A Birthday Wish
by alternativelyspliced
Summary: OotP Spoilers: After 5th year Harry makes his first ever birthday wish, and surprise, it seems to have come true! But is everything as good as it should be? RR please Complete
1. Default Chapter

A Birthday Wish 

by: alternativelyspliced

Disclaimer: All you recognize does not belong to me, but to JKR and those relevant associates of hers.  I also mean no disrespect to her characters or the Harry Potter universe.  I have been bewitched by this world and just want to play for a while. J

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**_The Phantom of the Opera is also not mine… just thought I'd let you know in case you were confused._**

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**_Warning: Spoilers_**_ for OotP (Book 5) and all others previous.  This is my denial taking shape as a story._

The Phantom of the Opera 

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again  
  
You were once   
my one companion ...   
you were all   
that mattered ...   
You were once   
a friend and father -   
then my world   
was shattered ...   
  
Wishing you were   
somehow here again ...   
wishing you were   
somehow near ...   
Sometimes it seemed   
if I just dreamed,   
somehow you would   
be here ...   
  
Wishing I could   
hear your voice again ...   
knowing that I   
never would ...   
Dreaming of you   
won't help me to do   
all that you dreamed   
I could ...   
  
Passing bells   
and sculpted angels,   
cold and monumental,   
seem, for you,   
the wrong companions -   
you were warm and gentle ...   
  
Too many years   
fighting back tears ...   
Why can't the past   
just die ...?   
  
Wishing you were   
somehow here again ...   
knowing we must   
say goodbye ...   
Try to forgive ...   
teach me to live ...   
give me the strength   
to try ...   
  
No more memories,   
no more silent tears ...   
No more gazing across   
the wasted years ...   
Help me say   
goodbye.

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Chapter 1:

The black haired boy looked over the four owls that had just flown thought the window and landed on his bed.  He knew they carried birthday gifts for him, but Harry Potter was unusual in the fact that he never looked forward to his birthday, and that was never as true as this year.  His recently gained, and lost, godfather was occupying his mind this night like so many others.  With a sigh he decided to open his gifts.  His friends did care for him, after all; he just had to keep reminding himself of that fact.

            The snowy owl, his own, was carrying a package from Hermione, one of his two best friends.  Pig, Ron's owl, managed with a surprisingly large package for the minute owl; his enthusiasm seemed to make up for the lack of size.  A tawny, clearly Hogwart's owl, was from Hagrid.  The last was a scruffy looking owl Harry recognized as Remus Lupin's.  He'd gotten used to that one over the summer.  

He opened Ron's first, knowing there would be food included.  Despite the Order of the Phoenix's warning at the end of last term, the Dursleys treatment had been horrible at best.  Harry hadn't reported it thus far, because he honestly just didn't care anymore.  Inside Harry found meat pies and other edible treats from Mrs. Weasley.  Ron gave him an excellent model quidditch set 'With realistic movement!' if he could use his want.  He supposed it would be fun during the school year.  The letter included read:

_Dear Harry,_

_Happy Birthday, mate!  I know you can't fully enjoy my gift right now, but it'll be great for practices.  I know you'll be back on the team, and maybe even the captain!  Mum sent you some food in case the muggles didn't listen to the warning.  I told her she was daft to think they wouldn't listen.  I've got gnome duty for two weeks… Hope to hear from you soon!  We'll get you out when we can._

_-Ron_

Next he opened Hagrid's.  It was a pair of new, reinforced, dragonhide gloves with a matching dragonhide safety apron.  There was also a package of owl treats for Hedwig.  He read the very short note:

_Happy Birthday, Harry!_

_Just wait'll you see what I've got planned for class this year! –Hagrid_

That didn't sound very good.  The more exciting Hagrid thought something was, usually translated into more dangerous the creature.

Next he opened Hermione's gift.  It was a small cake with sixteen muggle candles and a matchbox.

_Dear Harry,_

_Happy Birthday, and I do hope that you're doing well.  I've included candles and matches so you can make a birthday wish.  Be careful and see you soon, hopefully!_

_~Love from, Hermione_

Harry was slightly surprised at the lack of books involved in her gift and laughed at the thought of her shocked face if he told her so.

The last was just a rather large envelope from Remus Lupin.  Inside was a letter, a picture, and a key.  The picture was of Harry and Sirius during Christmas the previous year.  Harry's eyes were stinging badly, but he choked back the threatening tears so he could read the letter.

_Dear Harry,_

_I hope your birthday is going well, although I'm sure it's no more than an hour into it by now.  You should go to bed earlier!  Just kidding, stay up, it's summer!  Anyway, I've sent you the picture because Sirius wanted to give it to you.  I don't want to get you down, but I'm positive you've already been thinking about him tonight, so I thought the picture may actually help a bit.  I know it's been terrible for you this past month or so, and I just want to say again that I'm here for you.  I won't pretend to understand your loss; I know it's different from mine, but I want you to know I'll listen or talk or just sit with you if you need.  Right, now the key is for Sirius's Gringotts vault.  Whenever you're ready, I'll take you.  There's no hurry for this to happen, just tell me when you want to go.  As for your gift from me, I welcome you to come stay with me for the remainder of the summer (except some time at the Burros, of course).  If you do not wish to accept this gift, I won't be offended, but I'll find something else to give you instead.  Write back with your decision tomorrow or when you're ready._

_~Love, Remus_

Harry stared at the picture for a long while.  When two o'clock in the morning rolled around Harry decided to set up his cake and candles.  He made them in the shape of an 'S' and lit them. He closed his eyes tightly and concentrated with everything he had left and thought, "I wish Sirius was alive and free."  He repeated this over and over in his head as he opened his eyes and blew out tall the candles in one breath.  He ate a very small piece of cake and went to bed.  In the morning the Dursleys wouldn't care if it's his birthday or not, he still had chores to do.

After a rough night of terrible nightmares and little sleep, Harry woke up and headed for the kitchen to make breakfast.  Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were already there and grumbled orders for eggs and bacon.  Dudley would be down soon, judging from the rolls of thunder overhead.  Harry put two frying pans on the stove and began preparing the fried eggs and bacon while his uncle read the paper and his aunt complained about several world issues that all managed to be Harry's fault in some way or another.

All of a sudden, there was a sheik and a cry of "Vermin!" from aunt Petunia.  She stood on her chair and looked wildly about the room.

Vernon, who took a minute to catch on, shouted, "Boy!  Kill that thing and clean the house!  We aren't going to stand for your second rate cleaning when it leads to an infestation!"

Harry, in the meanwhile, grabbed the nearest pan and banged it over the head of a rat.  A very familiar looking rat.  _Impossible.  Death eaters can't get near me here.  Dumbledore said…  wait, Dumbledore!  I have to do something.  _Harry left, with his aunt and uncle still yelling and screaming hysterically at him and made his way to his bedroom with the unconscious ran dangling from his hand by the tail.  Once inside he threw the rat into Hedwig's cage and closed it.  Hedwig eyed him disapprovingly from the window sill.  Harry knew that almost all owl cages had unbreakable charms on them already, so he wouldn't have to use magic, yet, to contain the rat.  He'd found this bit of information out in his second year after and eventful trip in a flying car, when Hedwig's cage should have been broken many times.  Harry locked the cage with a metal coat hanger (sure the rat couldn't chew through it) and tried to figure out what he could write to Dumbledore without giving much away.

Before he got the cover off the ink well, there was another scream downstairs.  Prepared for the wost, Harry grabbed his wand and headed out the door.  His oversized cousin was standing, petrified, at the top of the stairs.  Harry was about to ask if Dudley knew what was going on when a large, shaggy, black dog ran up the stairs and bowled him over.  The dog ran straight into Harry's room.  In shock Harry followed.  There, next to the caged rat, was a most familiar looking dog.  After convincing himself for a few moments that it was just a stray, the dog changed form and was replace by a man.  All thoughts vanished from his head as Harry fainted and the world went black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **in chapter one__

**Chapter 2:**

            As Harry opened his eyes, he slowly realized his right arm hurt badly, like it was burnt.  He remember spilling a rather large amount of boiling bacon grease on it at breakfast.  Suddenly, the whole morning's events flew through his head.  He noticed a weight on the side of his bed and looked over into his dead godfather's concerned eyes.

            "Hey kiddo.  How you feeling?"

            Harry just stared at the man for a few minutes.  "How?  Is this a dream?"

            "You were only out a few minutes, not long enough to dream.  I came to catch that _rat! _ But it seems you've got that under control.  Erm… Harry…?  I'm not entirely sure how I got here, though.  The last thing I remember is fighting Bellatrix at the Ministry, then I was a few blocks away from here and caught Wormtail's scent.  Harry?  Harry, are you alright?  You don't look very good.'

            Harry swallowed hard to try and move the lump in his throat.  He was trying to rationalize this as some dream come out of wishful thinking.  _He's dead.  Nothing can bring him back.  It's just a dream.  If you tell him you know he's dead and not real, he'll go away.  He does every time.  But this seems so real.  I have to do it.  I'm going to go insane if this keeps happening, if I keep imagining him here._

            Harry cleared his throat and whispered, "You're dead.  Please, stop doing this.  I know you're not real.  I saw you die.  You're not real."

            Sirius looked hurt and confused, "What are you talking about, Harry?  I'm right here, holding your hand.  Did you hit your head when you fainted?  Why would you say I'm d-dead?  Look at me, Harry, I'm real. I'm here.  I'm not dead."

            Harry closed his eyes to block the image, but he could feel the hand holding his and someone brushing his fringe away from his eyes.

            "I saw you fall.  Bellatrix hit you with some curse and you fell through the veil.  Everyone saw.  You died.  They all said that you can't pull someone back once they've fallen through.  I want to believe it's you, but I can't lose you again.  If I believe, then you're not you, I couldn't take it.  You don't know how hard this past month has been without you…"

            Sirius leaned down and hugged Harry, like a father would his troubled son.  Harry could feel a dampness on his shoulder and realized the man was crying.  Non of his dreams of Sirius had ever been so real.  He could never actually _feel_ him there.  Could it be true?

            Sirius looked up at the calendar Harry kept to mark off days until school and gasped.  "It's July 31st?  It's your birthday?  But it was the end of June when we went to the Ministry!  What…?  Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry.  I don't know what happened or what's going on now, but I promise I'm not dead.  Merlin, you've been through enough.  I'm so sorry, Harry."

            "It's not your fault.  If I hadn't been so stupid I never would have gone there and gotten you killed in the first place.  But now you're not dead.  I don't understand.  I don't really care.  Even if this is a dream or hallucination, it's the best birthday present I could ever ask for."

            Before Sirius could interject on whose fault it was, there was a rather loud and obvious cough at the door.  All three Dursleys were waiting impatiently for an explanation.  Harry knew it must be true, now, because the Dursleys were never in one of his good dreams before.

            "Erm… Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, this is Sirius, my godfather."  Dudley ran into his room and the two adults paled.  Then Vernon started going from white to red.

            "Listen here, we won't stand for any of you freaks here!  It's enough we have to have the boy, we don't need any more of you!"

            Harry started speaking again before Sirius had a chance to hex his relatives into next week.  "Listen, this is my godfather.  He's here to porotect me.  You'll be fine if you're nice to me and him.  See that rat?  It's actually a wizard here to kill me.  I know you wouldn't mind that so much, but he'd kill the rest of you before leaving the house, so it really wouldn't do you any good to be rid of me for three seconds before dying yourself.  Now, go to your bedroom and leave this to us.  Don't call the police, they wouldn't stand a chance here, and would only mess things up more.  We'll all be out of here by noon I'm sure.  Now go and don't do anything stupid."

            His aunt and uncle left, completely shocked at the situation and Harry's commanding attitude.  They had enough sense to do what he said and stayed quiet the rest of the morning, although grumbling about "Their kind" could be heard outside the door.

            Harry decided to write to Dumbledore immediately.  With help from Sirius they finished the letter quickly.

            _Dear Professor Dumbledore,_

_            I seek advice on pest control.  It seems we have a vermin problem and my aunt is very displeased.  Snuffles came by to help, but I'd really like your opinion, as you seem to have answers to most questions.  Thanks, Harry_

            He tied the letter to Hedwig's leg and said, "Take this to Dumbledore as fast as you can, but be careful.  If he doesn't read it right away, bug him until he does.  Then go wherever he tells you.  Got all that, girl?"

            She hooted in acquiescence, nibbled his fingers lovingly and left.

            Harry looked at Sirius and sighed,  "I just cant believe you're here.  I thought I'd lost you like mum and dad.  I – it's been hard, you know, without you…"  Harry trailed off, not really knowing what to say.  A thought occurred to him, "Damn, I'm sorry, you must be exhausted if you've come from that night at the Ministry.  Go lie down on my bed and rest.  I'm just going to sit here and wait to hear from Professor Dumbledore."  Harry didn't know what was making him speak, he didn't seem to be in control of his mouth.  He felt physically ill after mentioning 'that night' and had to sit on his desk, where he planned on waiting for whatever would come.

            The rat was waking up and seemed to be looking for an escape route.  Harry leaned over the cage, "Don't even try, _Peter._  The cage is unbreakable and I can keep you there as long as I want.  You don't necessarily have to be alive to prove Sirius's innocence.  Dead or alive, I'll make sure the world knows the truth about him and you.  Now stop moving around or I'll get the frying pan again."  The rat stopped moving, but was shaking like mad.

            Sirius had just been sitting speechless for many minutes, then finally spoke as he sat on Harry's bed.  "Harry, I can't imagine what it's been like for you this past month.  I wish I could have been there for you… I guess that's sort of obvious.  And today I just show up… I'm so sorry.  I must be upsetting you a great deal.  Do you want me to leave?"

            "NO!  No, please.  Just stay here.  I don't want you to ever leave.  Not again.  Not if you're really you.  It's been… well, bad.  I'm so happy to see you, but I'm not sure of anything right now, ok?  I just – just need some time to think about this.  I don't want you to leave me though.  I just need to sit and think.  Go ahead and get some rest while you can.  You know Dumbledore will be here soon after my letter.  He'll probably be ready to ship me off to St. Mungo's."

            Harry laughed a little at this and got a small smile out of Sirius.  Although, Sirius was really much to worried and tired to find anything really funny.  The truth was, Harry was too, but nothing in his mind was really thinking clearly, so laughing didn't seem all that strange at the moment.

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**A/N: **Should I continue with this?  I don't know if it's good at all. It just popped into my head this morning so I decided to type it up.  Tell me what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **chapter one

**Caution: **There are some disturbing scenes in this chapter, and later in the story.  Harry's mental state isn't the best right now, and there is mention of self-harm.  Please don't take offense at this.  It's not meant as anything disrespectful towards anyone.  I have also upped the rating to PG-13 for this.  If anyone feels it should be R, just tell me and I'll raise it again.  Thank you!

Thanks to all who reviewed.  I have a few responses to specific questions/comments. 

**siri-padfoot:** I didn't have him wish for his parents, because he really never knew them.  I think the death of Sirius would affect him extremely badly, and since his thoughts seem to dwell on him of late, that would be the first wish to come to mind.  Make sense?  My reasoning anyway. :)

**MorganD:** what would we do without our Padfoot resurrection fics?  You'll learn more about what happened to Sirius later on, sorry not this chapter!

**Vasquez1987: **sorry about typoes and the like!  I try to read over it, but usually it's around 2am and I just want to get stuff posted!  :)

**Mrs. Fawkes: **don't worry about me rushing the "everything's fine and dandy now" stuff.  What would I have to write if everyone's happy after chapter 2? Hahaha…

**Hermionegreen: **you'll see in later chapters what happened to Sirius

**Danalas the Lady Chaos: **thank you!  About the shirtless Sirius… not sure if I can work that in, but it's a definite possibility! 

**Moonlight Snitch: **ok, I'll keep going!  I don't want an angry reviewer!!!  :)

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**Chapter 3:**

            They sat in silence for a quarter of an hour until Sirius broke, asking, "How is your arm?  I cleaned it off after you passed out, but I couldn't do much else."

            Harry had started to panic at the mention of his arm.  In the past weeks he'd started a habit he knew others would think to be unhealthy, but felt so good.  The small cuts were the only thing that could decrease the pain of being alone and his guilt, no matter how short-lived the relief was.  He didn't really think anything was wrong with doing this, because he wasn't really hurting himself much.  Just enough to feel.  He realized that Sirius was asking about his burn from that morning, so he didn't need to worry about him finding out.

            "I think it's fine.  It doesn't hurt much," in truth it stung badly, but nicely hid the healing cuts if one didn't know what to look for.  Besides, his cuts were nothing compared to what Remus did to himself as the wolf.

            "Remus!" Harry blurted out.  "How am I going to tell him about you?  He'll never believe me…  How many days till the full moon?  It's marked on my calendar."

            "Three days," replied Sirius.  "Why wouldn't he believe you?"

            "Well, I've sort of had visions or hallucinations of you coming back… I know one was caused by Voldemort, because you were like a zombie or something else just as horrible.  The other time was because I saw a dog down the street.  I went to talk to it and it tried to bite me.  It had some strange markings that I knew weren't yours, so I figured it out.  But I dream about you being alive every night, usually followed by nightmares of you dying again…

            "Remus," Harry continued, "had a bad change last full moon.  It was right after you d-died…  The wolf was, well, a wolf.  It was days until he was able to be up and moving around again.  Of course, I didn't know any of this until a week later, because they weren't sure if I could _handle_ more on top of you.  I've handle more than," Harry was nearly shouting now and forced himself to stay calm.  "I can handle it just fine.  We need to make sure Remus finds out before the full moon.  Wolfsbane potion or not, I don't think he's safe from himself."  _You're not either when you cut yourself, _Harry told himself.  _But I won't kill myself like Remus could.  I don't' cut very deep.  I'm safe, _he argued in his mind.

            "Harry?"  Sirius was trying to get his attention.

            Harry looked up and had the sudden urge to run out of the house and never look back, or else to embrace the man in front of him and cling to him forever.  He was used to having these arguments in his head by now, but he was always the only one in the room.  He settled on just leaving the room for a minute to gather his thoughts.

            "I'm going to check on the Dursleys, then go to the loo.  I'll be back in a bit."  Sirius nodded in understanding as Harry left the room.

            Harry looked in on his cousin and ant and uncle.  They were all too terrified to do anything for the moment.  He reassured them that they'd be gone soon enough.  He didn't know why he wanted to ease their minds, probably so they didn't do anything stupid like call the police.  

            He locked the bathroom door and sat down on the cold tiles.  He couldn't make any sense of what was going on in his head.  He was so happy that the joy overwhelmed him.  Or at least would have if he wasn't filled with a profound emptiness that belied any good feeling he could have had.

            It was as though dementors were right outside the bathroom door, with slight differences..  He felt cold and empty, but none of the despair or depression dementors brought out.  In fact, the longer he sat the more he felt a numbness take over.  He couldn't feel anything anymore.  No, not quite right, he felt anger at his lack of feelings.  _My godfather is back, damn it!  I should feel something clear about that!  _He needed to feel human again.  There was only one cure he knew for gaining feeling, and that was pain.

            As he dug for his blade, he thought of how odd pain was.  There were such different types: physical, emotional, perhaps others?  Extreme exposure to the Cruciatus Curse and its physical pain could cause insanity.  Although, the minor pain of what Harry was doing now could bring him back when he felt his tenuous hold on sanity slip.  Pain is what makes you feel human, like a person.  It is a master, a friend, a comfort, and an escape.  _Oops, that as a bit deeper than usual… not too deep though.  Good, it wouldn't due to pass out today like other days._

            Harry let himself bleed into the sink, washing away the red stain with clear refreshing water.  _If my blood was as clear as water, _he mused, _maybe I wouldn't need glasses, my vision would be clear.  Uh oh… I don't' think that thought was rational.  But if it wasn't, how would I know, since that would make me the irrational one?  I'm confused… and tired… and can't stand without the counter._

            He stopped the bleeding with a black cloth and bandaged his arm once it was dry.  He was smart enough to cut near the burn so he could use that as an excuse.  He loved the feeling after he'd bled a bit too much.  His head was so light and free.  Eventually, there was banging on the door.

            Harry struggled to stay standing and opened the door.  "Hi, Sirius."

            "Harry, are you ok?  You're really pale."  He noticed the bandage, which barely stuck out the bottom of his long sleeved shirt, "Is your arm bothering you?"

            "What?  Oh, yeah.  I decided to wrap it up, then I felt a bit woozy.  Still do," Harry smiled glassy-eyed, it was the truth.

            "Come here, let's go sit downstairs and wait for Dumbledore.  He'll take care of your arm when he gets here.  I've got the cage ready.  We can get your trunk later."  Sirius held Harry left elbow to stabilize his walking but Harry shrugged it off.

            At Sirius's hurt questioning look, Harry leaned on the wall and said, "Sorry, I just didn't want to be a bother."

            "You are never a bother to me, ok Harry?  My life is to help you."

            "Don't.  That's how I killed you.  You wanted to help and it got you killed by your horrible cousin!  I'm sorry.  You should have a better godson," Harry muttered quietly.

            "Harry, you're the best godson I could hope for.  I only wish I could do more for you.  I hope Dumbledore can explain what – Harry!?"

            Harry had slid to the floor at the top of the steps, and probably would have fallen down them had Sirius not caught him.

            "What's going on?  This shouldn't have happened from a burn.  Are you sick, Harry?"

            "No.  No, I'm fine.  Don't worry.  Just a little tired."  It was true, he hadn't slept much since the end of school.

            Harry was scooped up by Sirius in a wave of dizziness and carried downstairs where he was placed on the couch.  Being a sixteen year old boy he really should have objected to this sort of treatment, and fully intended on doing so right after the world stayed in one place.  While he was being situated by Sirius, the sleeve of his shirt raised up his arm and Harry heard Sirius gasp.

"Harry, you're bleeding!  I need to see it and see what I can do.  I'm not great at healing, but I can stop the bleeding for now."  So, ignoring Harry's feeble protests (_Merlin, I really _did _lose too much blood this time.  Not smart, Harry._), Sirius removed the bandage and muttered an incantation over the wound with his wand.  "Harry, what did you do?"

"Sorry," Harry slurred out, "was an accident."

"Do you have any idea how much blood you lost?  Hey, Harry, wake up kid.  I just want you to stay up until Dumbledore gets here.  I don't remember if blood loss is like a concussion or not, so you better stay awake just in case, alright?  I'm going to get you some water and food.  Can you stay awake until I get back?"

"Mmhmm…" Harry agreed.

Harry was aware of a cheese sandwich and several glasses of water going through his mouth.  After the sandwich Harry began to feel much better and less light-headed.  He also began to worry.  He was worried that Dumbledore wouldn't believe this was really Sirius, or that there was no one there at all.  Perhaps the most frightening thought was that Sirius figured out his secret and wouldn't want him for a godson anymore.  It was a truly frightening thought.  Something of his thoughts must have shown on his usually emotionless face, because Sirius put his hand on Harry's shoulder and cleared his throat.

"Harry, can you tell me what happened?"

"I was in the bathroom and I fell.  I must have hit something sharp, because I started to bleed.  I tried to clean it up myself, so I wouldn't bug you with it, but I guess I didn't do a very good job…"

Sirius didn't look like he completely believed the story, but didn't push on that vein of conversation any further.

"Albus should be here soon.  Hedwig is a fast owl, and I'm sure he'll come as soon as he reads your note."

"Yeah, maybe you should be Snuffles when he comes in.  Then he'd know it's you, and it might not be so unbelievable."

"Good idea."  At that moment there was a knock at the door.  Sirius changed and Harry walked confidently, if not completely steadily, to the door.

"Professor Dumbledore, come in please," greeted Harry.  He was momentarily reminded of the sickening greetings Dudley used on Vernon's business guests.

"Hello, Harry.  I understand you have some guests you'd like me to see."  The ever-present twinkle seemed to dim for barely a second.  In that second, Harry knew that his headmaster didn't believe him.  It was a horrible feeling, but he knew the old wizard would see soon enough.

"They're in the living room, through here."

When Dumbledore walked into the room, a large, black dog greeted him with a bowed head and a lick on the hand.  The dog turned into a man, and Harry and Sirius were among the select few people in history to see Albus Dumbledore truly surprised. 

"Would you care to explain, Sirius?" asked a quickly recovered Dumbledore.

"I would like to, but I can't.  I remember dueling with Bellatrix in the death chamber, then blackness, then I was a few blocks from here.  I caught that rat's, er, Pettigrew's scent and followed him here.  I had no idea it was the middle of the summer… Harry's birthday.  I was hoping maybe you had an idea as to what could have happened.  Harry said I fell through the veil, but how am I here if that's true?"

"I believe this will involve more investigation than I can achieve here.  I understand you also have Mr. Pettigrew here?"

"Yes, sir," Harry answered holding up Hedwig's cage.  "Will you take him to the Ministry now?  Do I need to come and make a statement?  What will happen to Sirius?"

Dumbledore held up his hand for Harry to stop.  "All in good time, Harry.  Yes, Mr. Pettigrew will have to go to the Ministry.  You may not have to make a statement with his testimony.  As to Sirius, I will have to think about that some more also.  Perhaps a trip to Mr. Lupin's house is in order.  Harry, would you care to join us?  I believe your relatives would give you permission on your birthday, would they not?"

Harry wanted to tell him exactly what his relatives thought about his birthday, but though better of it.  He was so excited to leave and not get left in this hell of a house for one more day.

"I'll just grab my trunk and be back down in a minute!"

"Do you need a hand, Harry?" asked Sirius pointedly.  Harry was glad for the help as he was still a bit weak from the morning's events.  

After they'd told the Dursleys that Harry was leaving, they headed for Mrs. Figg's house to use the Floo to get to Remus's.  Harry was very nervous about this.  He hadn't had much chance to talk to Remus in the past month, but he knew the death of his last best friend was extremely hard on him.  Harry knew things would be alright later on, but he had a sinking feeling about this meeting.  Remus had been trying so hard to move on, but Harry knew he couldn't have done more 'moving on' than Harry had.  Well, there was nothing to be done worrying about it.  Harry would just have to try and support both men until they got though this and could get back to normal.  _Right, when have things ever been 'normal'?_

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A/N:  Ok, strange place to stop, but I really want to post something tonight, and my mind has turned to mush in the last hour, so it's this or nothing for a while.  I have two huge exams next week, so I'm not sure when the next post will be.  Please review, and thanks to all those who have already!  I smile and blush and make an idiot of myself in public computer labs when I check my mail!  :) I love it!


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **chapter one

**Caution: **chapter three. (I hate repeating myself in case you didn't notice.)

**A/N: ** Please read! There has been some mention of not liking Harry's self-harm habits.  First, that's good.  No one should really _like _it.  Second, I really believe that with everything Harry's been through before he's even sixteen, he's bound to have some sort of problems.  One such problem is self-harm.  It is one that I know about and have experience with, so it is what I am writing about.  (Versus, say drug abuse for example.)  So, those are my reasons for including it in the story.  That's all!  

**Thank you to all reviewers!**

**hermionegreen: **I'm sorry you don't like Harry hurting himself, and I promise it will get better.  Read the explanation above for my reasons of putting it in the story.  

**noraseyes: **Thanks for the tip on the anonymous reviews thing!  I was wondering why I only got signed ones.  Didn't even think about looking in the settings.  : )

**Danalas the Lady Chaos: **I'm so sorry I missed the shirtless Sirius scene!  I'll try to keep it in mind later on… this is going to make me think… : )

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**Chapter 4:**

            Professor Dumbledore went first after a lengthy discussion with Mrs. Figg to explain the situation.  The plan was to give Dumbledore about fifteen minutes with Remus, then Harry and Sirius would go though.

            As they waited Sirius kept shooting worried looks at Harry, or more specifically, at Harry's arm where the cut was.  _How can he see through me when he barely knows me?_ Harry wondered. _Oh well, as long as he only suspects, but doesn't know, I'll be fine.  Just have to be more careful around him.  How was I so stupid today?  Of course he noticed after that!  If I just act happy that he's back, it'll be fine.  I am glad he's back.  I know I am.  I just can't feel it, yet._

            Harry was watching the cage holding Wormtail.  Dumbledore 'reinforced' it with powerful locking charms, not to mention the fact he put the rat into an enchanted sleep, from which only Dumbledore had the power to wake him.  And just in case, Mrs. Figg had a frying pan in her hand.  Moody was to come and get Wormtail shortly.  Harry and Sirius silently agreed to wait for him before leaving.  They weren't about to leave a squib to deal with the rat-turned-death eater.

            When Moody arrived less than ten  minutes later, he looked more than a little suspicious at Black.  Dumbledore had told him to just trust him on this one and that he'd never knowingly place Harry or Mrs. Figg in danger.  He'd said explanations could wait, but capturing a Death Eater couldn't. 

            "Potter, Mrs. Figg," Moody greeted, "You got some piece of vermin for me?"

            "Yes, sir.  Profes-er Mr. Moody, are you going to find out how and why he was in my uncle's house?" asked Harry timidly.

            "Of course.  What did you think we were gonna do?"

            "Well, I figure that, but I guess I'm really wondering if you'll tell me the details.  I'd really like to know what's going on with Voldemort and the Death Eaters, otherwise I can't be prepared for what they're planning, sir." 

            Moody gave what he considered a smile and said, "Glad you're keeping on your toes, Potter.  Be sure to keep and eye on that one until we know more," Moody said gruffly looking at Sirius with his magic eye.

            "You, Mr. Black," he said the name in disbelief, "You'd better be who you say you are, or I'd be wanting to be anyone else when Albus is done with you."  With that, he gathered the cage and flooed to the Ministry, which had taken a large number of Dumbledore's suggestions after admitting that Voldemort was indeed back.

            After Moody left, Harry went through the fire to Remus's with Sirius right behind him.  They came out in a small room, neat and cozy, but scarcely furnished.  Dumbledore conjured chairs for Sirius and Harry.  Harry clambered off the floor where he'd landed and into the comfortable chair.

            To say Remus didn't look well would be about as accurate as saying Voldemort wasn't a very  nice guy.  With the moon so close and the combination of still grieving for Sirius and finding out he's back, the werewolf was paler than Harry had ever seen anyone.  He looked up at Sirius and put his head back down in his hands. He looked like he might be sick.  The room was silent and still asss in the hours before dawn.

            Abruptly, Remus rose and sat next to Sirius, holding him and sobbing tears of joy.  Few words could be understood, but Harry picked out a sentence, "If you leave me a third time, I'm coming after you."

            When they finally release, both men were teary-eyed, but had huge, almost stupid-looking, grins on their faces.  Harry had a small smile on his face, but it was difficult to hold it there.  _Why can't I feel like that?  They're so happy.  I know I should be too.  Why can't I feel it?  I need to – No!  I can't do that around Sirius.  He's already suspicious.  I shouldn't want to do it around him.  I never thought I'd do anything around him again.  He died.  But he didn't.  What am I doing?  Why can't I feel that kind of joy? _ He was looking longingly at the two men.  Harry unconsciously grabbed his arm where the cut and burn were.  He squeezed slightly and sighed with relief when he was able to feel the pain.  He caught Sirius looking at him in concern and flashed him a fake smile to show that he was fine.  Sirius didn't look like he bought it, but Remus conjured a pot of tea and some cakes.  Harry was thankful for the distraction.

            Dumbledore only stayed for a few minutes, needing to get back to the Ministry and question Pettigrew.

            When they were finished, Sirius and Remus took the empty dishes back to the kitchen.  While they were in there, Harry had a battle raging in his mind.  _Why can't I just feel happy about this? _ 

Another voice answered, _Because if you feel happy he'll take it away again.  You know he will._

_            But I want to feel it anyway.  All I've wanted since Sirius died was for him to come back, and here he is!_

_            Ah, but you cause his death.  You don't deserve to be happy.  You are responsible for too many deaths to be allowed  happiness, Harry Potter.  You know I'm right.  If you  were never born, James and Lily would be alive, Cedric would be, and Sirius wouldn't have had fourteen years of hell before you killed him._

_            Shut up._

_            You can't quiet me, Potter;  you know I'm right._

_            Go away!_

"GO AWAY!" he shouted out loud.

            His thoughts were interrupted by the return of Sirius and Remus.  Harry lifted his head out of his hands when the conversation was directed at him.

            "Harry?  Harry!  Oh, Harry.  Are you alright? I'm so sorry.  This is all too much.  How are you doing with all of this?  Honestly?" asked Remus in soft, soothing tones.

            "Me?  I'm fine. I'm thrilled!  Sirius is alive.  Why?  What do you think I should feel?" Harry asked with genuine curiosity.

            "Well, happy, yess, but confused and overwhelmed as well.  Disbelieving maybe?  Anything you're feeling is ok.  Relly, and you cant tell us anything you want to.  You know that, right?"

            "Yeah, I guess…"  _What if I'm not feeling anything?  That doesn't happen to normal people.  They would be disgusted with me if they knew I didn't have feelings.  _"Erm… I need to go.  Remus, where's your bathroom?" Harry asked politely.

            "Through there, first door on the left.  Are you sure you're ok?  You were yelling when we came in."

            "Of course I'm ok.  I'm always ok.  I just had too much tea and need to use the bathroom," replied Harry as he got up and walked toward the hall.  He stopped and flinched when Sirius grabbed his upper arm.

            "Harry, wait.  I need to ask you something.  Will you promise not to hurt yourself again, today?  Please?"  Sirius's eyes were pleading along with his words.  Harry couldn't hold his gaze.  For the first time since he started his habitual release of blood that calmed him so and reminded him that he was human, Harry wondered if it was really the best way to deal with everything.  He didn't know what to do.  He tried to pull out of Sirius's grip, but Sirius wouldn't let him go.

            "Let go," Harry said quietly.

            "Harry, let Remus fix up your arm.  He's had more practice with healing charms in the last fifteen years than I have."  Harry's eyes darted around wildly, and he seemed to shrink into himself against the wall.  Sirius saw this and spoke at a normal volume.  "Remus knows.  I had to tell him, Harry.  I think he can help you.  We both can.  I know you don't think we can, but we've had experience with this kind of thing.  We may not understand your reasons, but we understand the need you feel to hurt yourself.  Harry, are you listening to me?"

            "Yeah… I gotta go."  Harry broke free from Sirius's grip, ran to the bathroom, and locked himself in.  Thoughts raced through Harry's mind, then all left at once, and Harry lay down on the tile floor.  It was cold.  That was all he knew at the moment.  Cold.  An indeterminable amount of time later, there was soft knocking on the door.  E ignored it.  It got  louder.  He still ignored it.  He heard the lock click as someone uttered a spell outside.  He curled up on his side with his back to the two men.

            "Harry!  Harry?  Oh, shit, Harry, are you ok?"  Sirius asked kneeling over Harry.

            "I'm fine.  I didn't hurt myself if that's what you mean.  Now, go away, please."

            "Thank you for not hurting yourself, but I'm not going to go away.  You need help.  I want to help you.  I'm here.  I know I left you and you thought I died, but I'm here now, and I care about you.  I don't want to see you hurt.  Please let me help.  If you don't want to talk to me right now, that's ok.  But please talk to someone soon, alright?  I don't want to lose you when we've just known each other for a short time.  I'm so close to being free and we can live together…"

            "You won't lose me.  I'm not that selfish, despite what certain people think.  I've got everything under control, ok?  You just don't understand."  The last sentence was spoken so softly the two men almost missed it.

            "Harry, it wasn't under control this morning.  You passed out and almost fell down the stairs, for Merlin's sake!"

            "It was fine.  It was just a little deeper than usual and I was a bit distracted by my dead godfather walking around the house.  I would have lived, even if you weren't there.  It really wasn't that bad.  Besides, didn't you  hear?  I'm the boy-who-can't-die-unless-Voldemort-murders-me."

            "Harry…"

            "Padfoot, come on.  You're pushing too much, again," said Remus quietly from the door.

            Sirius quickly backed up and looked at Remus, who nodded.  Sirius turned back tot eh lump-named-Harry and said, "I'm sorry, Harry.  I didn't mean to push.  I know this will take time.  I'll try to back off for a while, if you try not to hurt yourself.  I just want you to understand that I won't judge you or think less of you if you ever have anything to tell me.  Neither will Moony.  Ok?"

            "Sure."  Sirius and Remus left after clarifying they'd be back in a little while if Harry didn't come out before lunch.  They still hadn't healed his burn and cut from that morning, so Harry spent a few minutes studying the neat line running on his forearm to the elbow, almost touching the place where Wormtail stole his blood for Voldemort's resurrection.  There was a little scar there that Harry knew would never go away.  He washed everything carefully until he was just scrubbing the cut. He scrubbed hard enough for a tiny amount of blood to trickle out, then wiped everything clean again.

            He walked into the living room with almost a smile on his face.  He sat next to Remus and held out his arm and said, "Sirius says  you're great with healing charms, and eh hasn't practiced for about fifteen years."

            "Well, I don't know about 'great', but good enough for this, although, it may be tender for a day or so."  Harry just nodded in response.

            When Remus was finished Harry asked, "What did you mean by 'again'?"

            "When?  Can you clarify some?" Remus asked professor-like.

            "In the bathroom.  You said Sirius was pushing too much 'again'.  When was the first time?"

            "Oh, right, that…" Remus seemed to close up and sliip into his own world of thoughts.  

            Sirius came over and shook his shoulder gently, "Moony?  It's alright if you don't want to talk about it, but can I give Harry a general idea of what happened?"

            Remus shook his head, "No, I'll tell him."  Remus conjured some more tea and took a sip before continuing, "I can't tell you everything right now… it's just too close to the full moon.  I tend to lose control of my emotions around this time and I haven't thought about certain things for a very long time.  Alright?"  Harry simply nodded. 

            "I used to hurt myself too, Harry.  You've probably guess that much by now.  I did it for years, mostly cutting, as you did this morning.  When my friends found out they tried to help, of course.  Only, I didn't want their help.  I'd been doing it for longer than I had known them.  In a way it was the only thing I could count on before having friends, and I didn't want to stop.  Needless to say, it was quite difficult to stop.  It wasn't just an overnight change.  It took Sirius and James a few months to convince me that it wasn't a good thing to do, then another year before I could completely resist the urges.  The need never really went away until… well, I don't want to embarrass you, but until you were born.  I used to sit with you for hours and tell you everything I needed to get out, without really wanting people to know.  They found out though, because your room was charmed so they could hear if you cried.  Anyway, eventually, the need went away.  I never thought it would.  At first I didn't want it to.  I want to help you, Harry.  You might not think you need help, but you do.  And the thing about pushing too much was because Sirius can get… overzealous at times when he tries to help.  He means well, but you know him.  So, now you know some of my sordid past,"  he smirked.  "I'm done with the past for now.  I feel like a nap.  Feel free to help yourself to anything in the kitchen or to wake me up if you need anything."

            Remus left the room, Harry presumed for his bedroom.  Harry was thinking about what Remus had just told him and how difficult it must have been for him to tell even that much.  Harry wanted to know more.  He wanted to know why.  What could push a man as calm and collected as Remus to need to do something like that?   And when he was so young?  Harry decided to ask him more about it after the full moon, if he would be there.

            "Sirius, am I going back to the Dursleys now or staying here?  Professor Dumbledore didn't say anything about that."

            "I think you should stay here.  We can keep you safe, and I'd like to spend some time with you.  I just hope Albus doesn't say we have to go to headquarters.  I can't stand that place."  Sirius shuddered at the memory of his old home.

            "I don't want to go back there either.  Would they send someone to prison for murdering a house elf?  Because I don't think I could be responsible for my actions if Kreacher was around."  Thinking of the house elf who lied and helped Harry lead Sirius to his death made Harry slightly nauseas. 

            "You alright, Harry?  You look a little peaky."

            "Yeah, fine.  Just a little nauseas… happens whenever I think about what happened that night."

            Sirius didn't say anything but enveloped his godson in a hug and didn't let go before Harry had fallen asleep.

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**A/N:**  I'm not sure when the next chapter will be, but probably no earlier than a week.  Depending on my schedule, could be close to two weeks.  If it's more than two, email me and badger me to update!  : )


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:  **I don't own it… yet.  I'll share my secret plan with you.  I'm going to offer JKR $2.79 (the change on my desk) for a charm.  I'm thinking, maybe I can buy the HP world a little at a time.  For my first piece, I'd like _Wingardium Leviosa_.  Come on, it's a first year charm.  It can't be that valuable, although it would be very useful.  Well, if I ever figure out how to contact her with my offer, I'll let you know.  I'd throw a levitation party!  

**A/N:  **So, it's been a long time, almost a month I think.  Well, I've been having problems with typing.  Nevermind, long story.  Or, just short and stupid really.  Anyhoo, on with the tale and review please!

**Chapter 5:**

            Warm.  Comfortable.  Safe.  This was all Harry knew in that blissful state between sleep and awakening.  He heard a voice say something.  His name?  Did he have a name in this wonderful place of sanctuary?  He didn't want to, or couldn't think at the moment.  He simply rolled closer to the warmth and curled into it.  A deep sound and it's accompanying vibration followed.  As he drifted closer to consciousness, he realized the sound was soft chuckling of someone holding him.  _Wait.  Holding me?  No one's ever held me.  Odd.  It's nice though.  I think I like it.  I like it?  I'm happy?  Maybe.  I'm content.  How different.  Must I open my eyes and leave this?  _

            He opened his eyes to the face of his godfather looking down at him, smiling.

            "Did you have a good sleep?" he asked.  Harry was feeling uncomfortable now that he was aware of his surroundings.  Sirius reassured him, "You're fine, Harry.  I like holding you and keeping you safe.  I missed out on it for too long, and so did you.  I would love to let you sleep, but Moony thinks we need to eat."

            Surprisingly, Harry felt hungry.  "How long have I been asleep?"

            "Nearly a day.  It's eight in the morning.  You fell asleep yesterday afternoon."

            "Oh, I… thanks," Harry said looking down.

            "Thanks for what?  I told you, it was my pleasure to act like a mother hen.  I'm glad you let me."

            "No, it's not that.  I-I just haven't really slept much since you… er… Thanks for whatever you did to keep the dreams away," Harry finished quietly, still looking down.

            "No problem, Harry.  I'm glad I could help, although I didn't do much except hold you.  I haven't slept so well in a long time either.  It seems we keep each other's nightmares away.  Perhaps they battled in the night," Sirius smirked.

            Harry snorted, "I don't think your would stand a chance.  What do you dream about?" Harry asked curiously.  He saw Sirius's eyes darken and his face pale slightly.  "Oh crap, I'm sorry.  Your nightmares are of Azkaban, aren't they.  I didn't mean to bring it up.  But.. er… do you think you might talk to me about it someday?  When you're ready, or if you ever need to?  I'll listen.  I promise.  Sorry if it's a stupid idea.  I just want to help if you need any."  He looked down again, feeling very foolish for just about everything he'd said so far in the few minutes he'd been awake.

            Sirius gave him a squeeze, "Do you have any idea how good of a kid you are?  Really.  You've been through so much, and here you are offering to help you deranged godfather with his nightmares, of which adults shouldn't even be scared."

            Harry shook his head and whispered vehemently, "If anyone isn't scared of Azkaban or dementors they're lying or evil."  He paused.  "Like Voldemort.  He _likes_ those things.  It's horrible."  Harry stared off, remembering a very disturbing vision.  He began telling Sirius about it without really meaning to.  "I was in his body, his mind.  He was on the outskirts of some village.  At least a dozen dementors that I could see, but it was night.  No Death Eaters.  He thought them too weak to be useful around dementors.  He punished them later for it…  He had a family of muggles, but the little girl must have been a witch.  She was the only one who saw them as they approached her older brother."  Harry gulped and was shaking violently, but he needed to finish.  "They kissed the whole family, saving the little girl for last.  Voldemort was happy… almost giddy.  I was watching through Voldemorts' eyes.  It made me feel happy.  It was the only time this summer I've been happy, and it was from watching four innocent people receive the kiss.  When I woke up, I didn't stop retching for the rest of the night and couldn't eat for days.  While knowing I had the sensation of happiness when it happened, I kept seeing the images in my head as the scene replayed over and over.  It was scattered in between memories of you falling…"  Recalling this vision made Harry sick to the stomach all over again.  He got up quickly and ran to the bathroom where he proceeded to throw up until there was nothing but bile left.  He felt a hand on his shoulder and jumped.  Turning around he found an ashen faced Sirius and concerned Remus.  Harry mumbled "'M sorry," before rinsing his mouth in the sink.  

            He didn't realize he'd said so much until he became sick, and now he felt awful that he'd said so much to his godfather.  He shouldn't have said anything about dementors around him.  He felt the need to cut, and bleed out the blood of Voldemort's rebirth, stronger than it had been in some time.  Cutting had become an all encompassing form of therapy for Harry.  Lately, it had been mainly for the pain to remind him he was still alive, still human, still a part of reality.  However, sometimes (they way it started) it was to drain out the guilt and dirtiness he felt at being the reason Voldemort had risen.  Now was the latter; the overwhelming desire to rid himself of the substance that had given life to that monster.  He wanted Sirius and Remus to leave so he could let it out.

            "Can you go, now?  I'm ok, just want a shower if that's alright,"  Harry said seated on the edge of the tub, shaking somewhat.

            "Yeah, we can go if you're sure you're alright.  And, Harry, if there's anything else you want to talk about, I'm always here to listen, as well as Remus.  You shouldn't keep your visions to yourself.  Ok?  We'll be right out there."  Sirius turned and followed Remus back to the living room.

            Harry closed the door and quickly began digging through drawers, looking for a blade of some kind so he could get some relief.  He turned the water on in the shower after his search failed to discover anything sharper than a toothbrush.  He climbed in and allowed the water to rush over him for a long time.  He was trying to figure out how to release some of the disgust at what his own blood could do.  The easy solution was to just let it bleed out; that always made him feel clean afterwards.  He was desperate for a way to achieve this.  The guilt and shame from all that had happened was over loading his mind and he had no way of releasing it.  He sat on the floor of the tub with his arms locked around his knees, which were drawn up to his chest, and tried desperately to clear his mind.  This proved difficult as images of the deaths of countless people played through his mind, and he was certain that they were all his fault.  Because of _his _blood.  Because _he_ let him come back.

            He sat, unseeing and unhearing, until the water ran cold.  Then he merely let out an almost imperceptible sigh and continued sitting under the icy water.  He barely registered the water being turned off and being lifted out of the tub.  There was a sudden rush of heat around him, and he came out of his daze enough to notice Sirius drying him and setting him on the couch.  He curled up again and refused to meet his godfather's eyes.  A blanket was tucked around him, and Remus gave him a cup of tea.  He was instructed to drink, so he did.  Soon a warmth spread throughout his body and a calmness overcame the residuals of panic in his mind.

            "Thank you," he whispered.  Embarrassed, he looked up at the two men and gave a small laugh at Sirius, "you look like a wet dog come in from the rain."

            Sirius looked down at his very wet shirt and Remus laughed at his best friend.

            Remus spoke through his laughter, "Go ahead and take it off, Padfoot.  It could use a good washing anyway.  I'll find you something to wear in a bit."

            Sirius thanked him and took off his sopping shirt.  There were several thin white scars on Sirius's chest and back, though they didn't detract from his toned but thin body.  Harry wondered where he'd gotten them, but didn't want to intrude by asking.  After all, it may have happened in Azkaban, and Harry had definitely brought up enough memories of that place for one day.

            Remus continued speaking, "Harry?  Do you want to talk about what happened?  I understand you were remembering a particularly horrible vision.  Can I ask you something and you promise to answer truthfully?"

            "I-I guess.  I'll try… What is it?" even with whatever calming solution was in the tea, Harry was feeling nervous.

            "Do you understand that whatever you see happening in those vision is not your fault?  That you are in no way responsible for what an evil crazed wizard like Voldemort does?" Remus was holding Harry's eyes with his own.

            Harry looked down when he answered, "Sure… Yeah, of course I know that…"

            "That's good, Harry, because if he hadn't used your blood to regain his body, he would have used someone else's.  Would you blame someone else if they ad been kidnapped and had their blood stolen for the same purpose?"

            "No, it's not – oh…"  Could Harry believe what he was being told?  Was it possible that it really wasn't his fault?  No.  He'd let Peter go.  No one else had done that.  "Don't you see, Remus?  I let Peter go.  I let him bring Voldemort back.  Now, I see what I've done through my visions.  I know what he does isn't my fault, but he's back because of me."

            "He was gone for fourteen years because of you!" Sirius exclaimed.

            "No!  That was my mother.  I did nothing.  Now, my blood, my mothers blood, is flowing through his veins!"  Very quietly he said to himself, "If I could just get it out of me it would all be better."

            Remus grasped Harry's hands and looked him in the eye, "Don't let him win like this, Harry.  He may not be here, but he's beginning to win.  He's killing you from the inside out.  Do you see that?  Every time you hurt yourself, you're giving him a little more power.  I can't imagine how terrible the visions are, not to mention his false ones, but please, if they become too much, come to us.  You mean everything to us."  Harry had never heard his ex-professor speak with such emotion.  Harry put his head in his hands and sighed.  He didn't know what was happening.  His whole world was being flipped around and he had no control.  When he cut he was always in control of that situation.  The length, the depth, how long he let it bleed.  It was all under his control like so little else in his life.  He was broken out of his thoughts by Sirius.

            "What do you mean 'false' visions?" he asked Remus.

            "Harry?"  Remus looked to him for permission to tell, and Harry nodded.  "Well, you already know that was how Voldemort lured Harry to the Ministry.  The details don't matter so much, and I guess I don't know everything, but that's for Harry to tell if he ever wishes to.  After that night, Voldemort began feeding him other visions.  I only know that Albus began sending Harry letters twice a day saying that no one had been captured.  Harry, would you like to tell us anything about these visions?"

            "No," came the muffled reply.  He raised his head slightly, still looking at the floor.  "Yeah, I'll tell you a little."  He paused a long time, unsure of what to say.  Would they be upset that he wasn't very good at Occlumency yet?  Maybe he should explain that first.  "Well, after you, er, died, I couldn't really concentrate much.  So, I couldn't do Occlumency like I was supposed to.  Still can't for that matter.  Hey, maybe it'll get easier now that you're not dead," Harry mused.  What a weird thought.  He shook his head and continued, "Anyway, he created all kinds of different scenes for me to witness.  The first was Hermione.  He had her and was torturing her.  He made sure I knew where he was.  It was just at the end of the road in Hogsmeade.  It didn't really click with me that that would be a stupid place for him to torture someone, out in the open as it was.  He used the Cruciatus on her… then…"  

Harry gazed into the wood floorboards, seeming to get sucked into a particular knot.  He shook himself and spoke again, "I woke up, my scar burning terribly, and rushed out of bed to do something.  I didn't have the foggiest idea how I would get to Hogsmeade in time, but decided that my broom would be the best way.  The pain in my scar lessened somewhat and for some reason I finally realized that it was probably a trap, like you had been, Sirius.  So, I ran to the telephone; Hermione had given me her number back in second year.  I didn't care that I wasn't supposed to use the phone or that it was three in the morning.  I called her and probably scared the snot out of her, but she answered.  I was so glad she was there and not being tortured.  I owled Dumbledore right away and told him about it and requested owls every morning and evening saying who, if anyone, was captured.  Er… that's about it.  Not the only vision, but the reason for the letters.  Other visions were similar.  I was eventually able to block those out most of the time, but for some reason I still can't block out what really happens."

"Well, I'm glad you're able to get rid of some of it anyway," said Sirius.

"Harry, if it's not too painful, could I ask what you saw happening to me?" asked Remus.  He knew Harry had had a vision with him in it, because he'd received a hurried letter one day telling him to reply as soon as he could.  This was soon after Dumbledore's letters began and Harry didn't know if they were quite accurate.

Harry felt tears begin to well up in his eyes.  He hadn't cried much in the last month, or in his life for that matter, but the thought of losing Remus just after Sirius was too much for the young boy.

"Yeah.  It was Voldemort and you and Wormtail…  After some Crucio's from Voldemort, he set Wormtail to start –"  Harry stopped, choking on a lump in his throat.

"What could Wormtail do worse than Voldemort?" prompted Sirius.

Harry cleared his throat, "His hand.  The one Voldemort gave him is pure silver.  He – I've never seen him torture anyone else like that.  I-I had to go.  I left my house and got a block and a half away when one of the Order guards caught me.  They contacted Remus and told me he was ok, but I had to know.  I sent Hedwig off and told her to go as fast as possible there and back with a reply.  She was quick.  It only took her a couple hours.  She must have woken you up early, huh?"

Remus looked sickened and something else that Harry couldn't describe.  Heartbroken for the young boy for whom he so cared?  "Yeah, but I could tell it was urgent.  I didn't mind.  I never mind."

"Thanks, and I'm sorry I reacted so badly even after Kingsley told me you were ok.  I was just really shaken I think."

Sirius and Remus each leaned in for a hug and Harry was speechless at the feeling of family coming from the two men.  He savored the feeling and didn't want it to end.  Then his stomach growled and the three chuckled, still a little teary-eyed.

Remus fixed a delicious breakfast of eggs, bacon, ham, pumpkin juice, and muffins, and the three sat down to a quiet meal.

As the three were clearing the table and cleaning the kitchen, there was a knock at the door.  Sirius immediately changed into Padfoot and Remus went to the front door.  It occurred to Harry that he hadn't seen the outside of Remus's house, but he lost his train of thought as Dumbledore came in the room.

"Sirius, please achange back to your usual form and accompany me to the Ministry," he said with his eyes twinkling.  

The man returned where a dog had been and asked, "They will free me?  They've questioned Wormtail and believe I'm innocent?"  His voice was laced with disbelief.

"Yes, Sirius.  You will be free by lunch.  They done nothing but check and recheck Peter's story and identity for the past twenty-four hours.  _Minister_ Fudge," the word Minister was said with a  hint of sarcasm, as Dumbledore had been basically running things for the past month at the request of said minister, "has requested testimony in the form of a pensieve from Harry.  I have managed to dissuade him of this position, but Harry's presence is still required for custody matters."

Harry's knees seemed weak at the thought of living with his free godfather.  He sank into a chair and let out a long sigh.  He wondered if there would be reporters there.  It wouldn't matter if they didn't twist things, but Harry knew too well the press.  Oh well, better things to think about right now.  He realized, with a hint of embarrassment, that Sirius, Remus, and Dumbledore were all trying to get his attention.

"Harry, you feeling alright?  Are you up for this, today?" Sirius asked as Harry lifted his head out of his hands.  _When did I put my head there? _he asked himself.

"Sirius, you'll be free.  I'll live with you.  I'll have a family!" Harry grinned.  Somewhere in Harry's mind he realized that he was truly happy about this.  _Everything will be better, now.  It has to be.  It already is._  "Let's go."

**A/N:** again, yes.  There should be another update either tonight or tomorrow.  I have quite a bit more written, but some details are annoying me.  I'm almost to the point of saying screw it and post or screw it and never post again.  We'll see how things go.  Posting this chapter is a good sign though.  Man, I'm longwinded for such a short announcement.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **chapter one if you really need to know.  Hmm… would it be illegal if I was legally insane and thought I really did own the HP world?  Just a thought.

**A/N: **Right, not sure what to write here.  I have something to say, but it keeps coming out stupid, so I'll just say it and you can think what you want, or not think at all (my option most of the time).  As you may have noticed, the 'denial' fic kind of ended with chapter two.  As I continue to outline this story and come up with ideas, it's turning more into a 'Harry sanity' fic, for lack of a better description.  I'll tell you this off the bat though, I like to put my characters through a lot of crap (who doesn't?), but at the end of the day I'm a huge sap, no matter how tough I pretend to be.  So, the story will more than likely end up good for most at the end.  This isn't certain, as I haven't planned the end, but it's probable right now.  Speaking of the end (no, not the never-ending author's note), when would you people like this to end?  Now?  Late summer?  School year sometime?  Give me some feedback.  I've got some ideas for quite a few more chapters, but not much for an ending.  So, if it's really annoying like my chatter up here, tell me and I won't waste the cyberspace with it anymore.  Thank you all for reviewing!  Please review lots, I'm posting chapters five and six within a day of each other, so I don't want any slacking off in the review department.  : )  hehehe…  I'm just joking.  Ok, I think I'm done now.  I wonder if anyone read all of this?  Extra credit to those who did, just write the word 'moose' in your review.  (sorry again, I'm in a bit of a weird mood.  I blame the overcooked pasta.)

**Chapter 6:**

They made Sirius look as presentable as possible and Flooed into the Ministry.  Dumbledore went first, forestalling any over-eager auror lurking about.  Harry and Sirius went together at Harry's insistence, and Remus came last.

Sirius caught Harry's arm as he tumbled out of the fireplace and held him upright.  Harry straightened his glasses and suddenly felt sick as he looked around the room.  The Fountain of Magical Brethren was still in pieces in the middle of the hall.  All the pieces had been moved to the center, and the area was roped off.  Everything was reminding him of that night: the voice in the phone booth as it welcomed new visitors, the lifts as they clanged up and down, the doors creaking open of closed as people stepped on and off.  That place by the far wall.  The place Harry had been held by Dumbledore's statue guard as Voldemort entered his body in an all consuming pain.  The knowledge that somewhere below was the Death Chamber.  That night flashed through his mind at a hundred times the speed of events, from the flight there on thestrals, to ransacking Dumbledore's office afterwards.  Harry glanced again at the fountain.  He'd cast his first, and only, unforgivable there.

"Harry, you feeling alright?" Sirius asked again.  "You're pale and a little green."

"Don't like to Floo, sorry," answered Harry in a flat voice.  Sirius nodded and was led away by Dumbledore, leaving Harry with instructions to wait in Mr. Weasley's office.

A comforting hand on the shoulder led him to the lifts to go to the second floor.  Harry looked up at Remus, who gave him a reassuring smile.

"We'll be out of here in no time," Remus said softly.  _Does he know what I was thinking about?_

"Harry, Remus, so good to see you!" exclaimed Mr. Weasley as they entered.

"Hello, Mr. Weasley.  Is there somewhere I can get a glass of water?" Harry asked, suddenly thirsty and feeling like he was supposed to say something.

A glass was conjured and Mr. Weasley filled it from his wand, smiling.  It's a big day for you.  Don't worry, I'll understand if you're not up for idle chit-chat," he said while ruffling Harry's hair.  Harry smiled gratefully and sat down drinking his water.

He heard Remus and Mr. Weasley talking, but tuned out the actual words.  His mind was racing, the sick feeling upon entering was ebbing away and a happy exitedness was returning.  Harry didn't know what he was more excited about, the thought of living with _free_ Sirius, or the fact that he once again felt something as good and pure as this happiness.  He started giggling out of pure joy of everything.  He received some funny looks but didn't care in the slightest.  He had a godfather, a real father in almost every sense of the word – a family.  He idly wondered what he'd see in the Mirror of Erised after today and smiled.

There was a knock, an indeterminable time later, and a beaming Sirius rushed in to hug Harry.  Harry was beyond words.  The little part that had been nagging that they'd take him away again shut up and Harry let the tears of happiness come, not caring that Mr. Weasley, Dumbledore, and Remus were in the room.

"Hey kiddo, there's some legal stuff we have to take care of for me to have custody of you before we go home.  Come on," he said patting his godson on the back.

They entered an office entitled, _Department of Magical Homes and Families,_ and were greeted by a grinning witch, but she was looking suspiciously at Sirius, even though she'd been told he wasn't guilty.  Harry wanted to yell at her, but decided it would be quicker to just get this over with.

The witch spoke after shuffling some files around on her overflowing desk, "Harry Potter, since you are above the age of fifteen, you are allowed some choice in this custody issue.  To put it simply, you may go back with your relatives, the Dursleys, or with one, Sirius Black."  She spoke his name in a poorly concealed growl.  Harry was _not_ happy with her attitude.

"With all due respect, _Madam_, you will speak about my godfather in the same manner you would of any decent person.  In fact, you should treat him as a hero like he deserves.  I choose Sirius.  I'm never going back to the Dursleys.  Now, can we finish this up?  I'd like to go home with my _legal guardian_."

Despite his words and poisonous tone, the witch was unruffled.  Clearly, she dealt with unpleasant people on a daily basis.  "Yes, about that, where is this home you will be going? She asked Sirius.

"We will be staying with Remus Lupin until I select a house to buy," answered Sirius.

The witch flipped through parchments and pursed her lips, "Mr. Lupin is on the restricted list.  He is not allowed to house minors, due to his Lycanthropy." 

"Bloody hell," Harry muttered under his breath.  Remus looked down in shame and nodded.  "Wait, he's only a danger on the full moon, and not even much with the Wolfsbane potion.  What if I go to a friend's for the moon, then can we stay with him?"

She shook her head and said something about regulations.  Harry decided it was time to use some of his accursed fame for something good.

"Can I speak with her alone?" Harry asked, and the others in the room complied, leaving without a word.

"Listen, Remus has saved my life, he was a friend of my parents and of Sirius, and he's probably the most caring person I've ever met.  Do you have any idea what I've had to face?  What I've gone through?"  _This is it.  Throwing down the sympathy card, with a bit of strength added in.  Man, this feels dirty.  How do the Malfoys live with themselves always using their name for whatever they want? _ "I've gotten past a dragon, escaped acromatulas, fought off dementors, and defeated a basilisk.  I've lived through five attacks by Voldemort," the usual flinch.  "I think I can live with a docile werewolf.  Do you understand?  I need both of them.  They are my family.  Remus is a good man with a horrible curse.  I will stay with him and possibly live with him permanently, no matter what you say now.  I'm sure the Ministry is in a position of embarrassment both for not believing Professor Dumbledore and I for the past year, and for incarcerating an innocent man for twelve years.  So, you can agree with me and make it easy on yourself and the Ministry, or I can go about other routes."  Harry had no idea what other ways he could go about legally living with Remus, but he put a mask of indifference on his face as he waited for her answer.  Inside he was scared to pieces of what this woman could do.  The silence was deafening, and he was beginning to think his lapse of integrity wasn't worth it after all.

At last, after minutes of waiting, she spoke, "Very well.  If you are not in his presence on the full moon, I will authorize this request.  However, you must sign a waver for your right not to take action against the Ministry on this issue if something  goes wrong.  I will not be held responsible for what happens in the presence of that – _man_."  The word 'man' was spit out almost mockingly.

Harry held back his fury for this woman and asked where to sign.  He just wanted to get this done as soon as possible.  For a fleeting moment he considered forgetting about the war and joining the Ministry to rewrite a few laws concerning werewolf rights.  He signed several forms, then called back Sirius and Remus.  They had to sign as well, as did Dumbledore as a legal witness.  Harry didn't even ask if Remus could be the witness.  As it was, he was barely controlling his magic from repeating his incident with Aunt Marge on this woman.  Anymore remarks about his ex-professor or godfather and he didn't think he'd be able to keep from exploding.

At last, they were finished.  Harry walked to the door and gave the woman a curt nod and said, "Thank you for your time and understanding," before leaving with a silent Remus and Sirius.  Dumbledore was chuckling quietly, his eyes twinkling.

When they reached the main lobby, Sirius stopped everyone.  "Er, Harry, how'd you do that?" the confused expression on his face was enough to make Harry laugh and his irritable mood from that witch dissolved.

"Well, as it turns out, my name is Harry Potter.  I got a little annoyed, said some things, just little comments really, and she saw things my way.  But I'm never doing that again.  I feel like a Malfoy throwing my name around.  Maybe I should change it to Harry Evans," he said jokingly.

"Sure, Mr. Evans," Sirius smirked.  "How about lunch in Diagon Alley?"

"The press release has been issued, but I doubt many people will know of your innocence as of yet.  May I accompany you in case of any complications?" asked Dumbledore, although they all knew he didn't require permissions to come along.

"No," Sirius answered, "but you may come along as a friend if you wish.  Hey, can I call Tonks to meet us?"

"Perhaps Mr. Lupin should do that job.  She has been told that you are alive, but she may not have believed it yet.  Remus?  Meet us at the Leaky Cauldron in a half hour."

"Of course.  See you soon Sirius, Harry," Remus disapparated.

"So, Harry, would you like to take a portkey instead of Floo?  I'm sure I can arrange it, the Ministry seems to feel they owe me something," he smirked .

"No!  No, not a portkey.  The Floo network is fine.  Should we go?"

"I thought Floo travel makes you sick?  Is something wrong, Harry?  You look a little flustered," Sirius noticed.

"I'm fine, Sirius.  I just don't like portkeys much.  I don't really get sick from Floo travel either, but I don't want to talk about that stuff now.  I just want to enjoy today.  Now, let's go scare some people in Diagon Alley!"

"Alright, let's go, but I'm going to continue this conversation later.  If something bothers you, I want to know.  That's what I'm here for.  Ok, so should we hit _Gambol and Japes_*?"

"Nope, we should go to _Weasley's Wizard Wheezes_.  I can't wait to see Fred and George's faces when they see you.  Then, they can give word to Ron for me. I can't believe I didn't write to him about this yesterday!"

They set off after dragging Dumbledore away from an overly chatty portrait.  Their arrival at the Leaky Cauldron was shocking, to say the least.  The evil and surprised looks spread faster than the whispers.  Finally, Dumbledore made an announcement to the group of witches, wizards, hags, and who knows what else, explaining Sirius's innocence.  The looks and whispers remained, but died down to a non-threatening level.  As Harry, Sirius, and Dumbledore chatted, the room relaxed.

Remus and Tonks came in just as they were ordering their food.

"Nymphadora, how wonderful to see you!" Sirius exclaimed with a false pompousness.

"Call me that again, dog-star, and you'll wish you were still dead," she responded under her breath while hugging Sirius fiercely.

"Alright, Tonks.  Hey, will you do that thing for me?  Please?  It's been a busy couple of days," Sirius asked like a child.  Tonks rolled her eyes and sat back in the corner so those only at their table could see her.  She closed her eyes and her hair, which had been blonde, started changing length and color.  In moments, her hair was short and in many large red spikes; two locks of golden hair dropped down around her face.  When she closed her yes, Harry could see small Griffins on her eyelids.  Sirius clapped like an idiot and Harry laughed with the others at his reaction.  Tonks changed back to how she came in before the food arrived.

The five of them talked and laughed for at least an hour longer than necessary for eating.  Tonks had to leave soon after, so the rest made their way to WWW.  Harry knew the Order had been informed about Sirius, but he didn't know if the Weasley children had been told.

Harry's thoughts were interrupted as a sudden warmth exploded in his chest and spread throughout his body, lingering slightly in his scar.  As suddenly as it appeared, it was gone.  He stumbled a bit and Sirius gave him a concerned look, which he placated with a shake of the head and a smile to show that he was ok.  _What was that?  Did I just get hit by a spell?  _He looked around the street and only saw people out shopping, nothing indicating someone had just hit him with anything.  _Right… now I'm imagining phantom spells that don't do anything but make me warm for a split second.  Harry Potter, you're going nutters, _he told himself.

When they walked in the joke shop, Harry's answer to whether or not the Weasley children had been told of Sirius came in the form of a crash followed by a series of bangs.  Two voices cried out, "Bloody hell!" in unison, and Harry couldn't hold back his amusement.

Fred seemed to find his voice first, although sentence formation was lost on him.  "Harry?  Remus?  Professor Dumbledore?"  He looked at each of them, then at Sirius and whispered, "Sirius?  What - ?"

"Hi, Fred and George.  Yes, this is Sirius.  It's a long story, but he's not dead, as you can see, and he's been freed.  So, naturally, he wants to buy prank supplies," explained Remus in a calm, professor-like voice.

"Right.  Well, then, what kind of pranks are you in need of? Large scale?  Personal?  How long have you been not dead?" Everyone laughed at George's quick subject changes.

"Mr. Weasley, Sirius was never dead, simply misplaced, in a way.  We found out yesterday morning.  I believe Harry would like you to inform your siblings."  Harry nodded at Dumbledore and the twins.

"Merlin, Harry, this is great!  We're so happy for you!  And Sirius, of course!  Here, have a cupcake on us!" insisted Fred.

"Er, I think I should let Sirius have this one," said Harry warily.  The rest of them laughed and Sirius shrugged while taking the proffered cupcake.

After biting into it, his hair grew longer, thinner, and greasier, and his nose got longer and hooked slightly.  Harry and Remus lost it as Sirius began to resemble Snape more and more.  He looked in a mirror and couldn't help laughing after seeing the scowl on his/Snape's face.

"Now that's scary, Professor Snape laughing!" cried George, who handed Sirius another cake which changed him back to normal.

"Gross, my hair still feels greasy.  So, what are these?" asked Sirius, amused.

"Rival cakes, turns a person into their childhood rival.  Harry, I'd give you one, but I'd hate to see a Malfoy in our esteemed establishment," Fred added in an undertone, "or a Dursley for that matter."

Harry turned to look at the items on a shelf, and when he turned back, he saw a large gash across Fred's face and multiple bruises.  The boy's clothes were caked in dirt and blood.  "F-Fred?" Harry asked with quiet uncertainty.

Everyone turned to Harry and looked between the two boys, trying to find what made Harry so pale and frightened.  Sirius grabbed Harry by the shoulders and the Boy-Who-Lived jumped back in surprise.  Harry shook his head, as if to rid it of the image, and blinked multiple times.  When he looked back, Fred was just fine, as was everyone else.  Harry realized Fred had looked like that in a vision of torture by Voldemort.

"Harry?" Sirius approached him again cautiously.  "Hey, what's wrong?  What happened?"

Harry looked up, then down quickly.  Could he tell them what he saw?  Would they all think him crazy?  Even if he was, he didn't want them to know.  Unexpectedly, Sirius swept him into a tight hug and whispered in his ear, "Whatever you saw, it's ok to tell me.  I don't think you're nutters or anything, ok?" he smiled.  "Was it something to do with Voldemort?" Harry nodded.  "Can you tell me what it was?"

Harry nodded again and took a few deep, calming breaths.  "I think a vision I had of Fred kind of came back in my mind.  I mean, er, the image of him… he was hurt.  Erm, that's all, it's gone now."  Harry was suddenly aware of everyone staring at him with mixed expressions of shock and horror.

Dumbledore looked calm but solemn.  "Harry, I don't believe you told me of this vision," he said thoughtfully as though trying to remember.

"No, sir.  As long as I kept getting your owls that no one was captured, I didn't want to bother you more."  Harry was feeling very uncomfortable at this point.  He knew an explanation would be demanded and not just from Dumbledore.

"Harry, your visions, whether false or real, are not a bother.  I asked you to tell me of them all earlier this summer.  I'm sure Fred would like to know why you looked at him like he had a blast-ended skrewt coming out of his head."  Dumbledore smiled softly, making Harry a little less nervous.

"Yeah… er, I don't have to give details, do I?"

"Not unless you wish to."

"Ok, well, I don't know if Ron told you, but Voldemort can plant visions in my mind…"  They nodded.  "Well, there was one of you two… He put George under the _Imperius_ curse and made him do horrible things to you, Fred.  There was so much blood…There's always so much blood.  Er, I managed to wake myself up before anything happened to George.  The Order guards were used to me asking questions by this time.  They told me that no one had been captured to their knowledge and made me go back in the house.  Then I waited for your letter, sir.  I couldn't send one to Ron, Hedwig was out.  Can-can we go back to having fun now?"  Harry forced a smile, "You know, I think Sirius would really like a Canary Cream."

The others made light conversation for a while, taking Harry's lead on the conversation change, for which he was glad.  Fred was looking a little peaky, but George had lost all color in his face.  He must have been terrified of thinking he could hurt his twin, and he knew there was a chance it could happen.  He couldn't throw off the Imperius curse like Harry.  Harry couldn't help but wonder if he would frequently see his friends looking like the visions, or if it would go away.  He didn't think he could hold his rather tenuous grip on reality very long if his visions haunted him in his waking hours as well as in sleep.

After a half-dozen more jokes, everyone's spirits were lifted, and Harry put on an only partially forced smile.  He wasn't up to the excitement from before the brief image, but he was still having a great day.  Dumbledore left the rest of them to their own devices and returned to the Ministry.  Harry kept reminding himself, _Sirius is free.  I get to live with him_, as he, Sirius, and Remus walked down the street_._

They finished up their shopping by getting Sirius new robes and stopping for ice cream.  Harry noticed Remus stumble inconspicuously a few times and realized he must be very tired with the full moon only one day away.  Harry suggested they go home for a nap, and the look of relief on Remus made Harry smile to himself for doing something small, but good for him that day.  _That must be part of what family is – to want to do things to make other people's lives better or easier._

When they arrived at Remus's house, Sirius asked, "Harry did you want to have a lie down?  I can fix a spot of tea first, if you like."

"No, I'm not that tired right now.  I just thought Moony could use some rest," Harry smiled.

"Thank you, Harry, but I could have come back myself, or stayed out longer.  You didn't need to give up your day out with Sirius to come back with me, just because I'm a little tired."

"Yes, we did.  Rumor was spreading quickly, but not enough to know Sirius would be safe on the streets alone, or with me for that matter.  Besides, I was getting tired of the stares."

"Well, you can't blame them for staring can you?  How often do you see the Boy-Who-Lived, a known werewolf, and a mass-murderer (freed or not) walking down the street?  It sounds like the start of a bad joke," Sirius smirked.  "Not to mention my stunning good looks in my brand new robes!"

"Oh dear.  Well, I'll take this opportunity you've given me to rest.  If I'm not up, wake me around five so I can start supper."  Remus went to his bedroom and closed the door.

"So, does this place have an outside?  So far I've seen the fireplace, couch and bathroom.  Want to have a go on that broom you bought me?" Harry asked with a grin.  "Dumbledore must have brought the rest of my stuff," he pointed to the corner were his trunk lay.

They raced out the door into a grassy field, slightly smaller than a Quidditch pitch, surrounded by deep forest on three sides.  Small flowers dotted the grass, which swayed like waves in the wind.  Even though Harry had never imagined anything of the kind, this place was perfectly and essentially Remus.  He smiled to himself.

Harry insisted Sirius go first.  Once reaching a height of at least fifty feet, the former convict shouted, "I'm Sirius Black, and I'm free!"  He did a few loops and dives, a grin on his face the entire time.  Harry was smiling and laughing at the overgrown child flying above.  

He finally came down and Harry pointed out, 'You know, you probably could have yelled you were here anytime, free or not.    No one's close enough to notice.  So, do I get to fly, yet?" he asked cheekily.  Sirius handed him the broom with a mock huff of irritation, and Harry took off.

Soaring high above the field, Harry could feel the freedom throughout his body to the very tips of his hair.  This was definitely the first thing anyone should do after being wrongfully imprisoned for so long.  Harry ended his flight shortly, not wanting to make Sirius wait.

"Do you want to go again?" Harry asked holding up the broom and panting slightly from the exertion.

"Absolutely, but not right now.  I was wondering if we could continue our chat from the Ministry this morning?"

Harry looked at him with a confused expression, but thought he knew to what Sirius was referring. 

Sirius elaborated.  "I was just wondering why you said Floo travel makes you sick, when it doesn't, and why you dislike portkeys so much.  Although, I have an idea about the second one."

Harry sighed.  He really liked having Sirius here, but he wasn't used to an adult wanting to hear about his problems.  _Well, here it goes, _Harry thought, _this is what families do.  I have to get used to it.  Just tell him_.

"Ok, I don't like portkeys, because I've never taken one under good circumstances.  First, the World Cup, where the dark mark appeared.  Then, the Triwizard Tournament, and you know about that.  Then, the night Mr. Weasley was attacked.  And the last time was right after you died and my duel with Bellatrix and… er, what do you know about that night?  I mean, after you fell," Harry asked.

Sirius motioned for them to sit down in the grass before he started telling Harry what he knew.  "I just know what Remus saw or was told.  He saw you run out of the Death Chamber, but Dumbledore filled him in on some of what happened above.  You, apparently, were fighting Bellatrix and Voldemort showed up.  Nobody really knows about that part, because you were the only one there.  Anyway, Dumbledore came up and dueled Voldemort.  He said – he said Voldemort possessed you and asked Dumbledore if he'd kill him inside of you, or something like that.  Er, anyway, you somehow threw Voldemort out of your body, and that was it.  Merlin, was that why you felt sick when we got to the Ministry?  You were remembering it all?"  It was really more of a statement to himself than a question to Harry.  He put a supportive arm around Harry's shoulders.

"Yeah… Sirius, I-I feel awful for what I did.  Not just leading you all there to die, but also for what I did after you fell.  Rather, what I tried to do and failed."

Sirius looked confused but was trying to understand.  "What do you mean?  What did you try to do?"

Harry didn't want to tell him, but he knew he'd find out somehow anyway.  Harry was pretty sure Dumbledore knew more than he was letting on and may tell Sirius and Remus someday.  It seemed he was being given a chance to tell them himself.

He took a deep breath and looked into Sirius's eyes for the first time during this conversation.  He spoke softly and slowly, but with a steady voice, "I wanted to kill her, Sirius.  She killed you and I wanted to do the same to her.  I-I tried using the _Cruciatus_ on her, but it didn't do much.  She said I didn't want it enough, that I wouldn't enjoy it.  I'm just as bad as them.  I used an unforgivable on another person.  I should be in Azkaban."  Harry finally looked away as Sirius absently wiped two tears from his cheeks.

"Harry, listen to me.  If you never listen to anything else I say, just listen to this.  You are not as bad as them.  You don't deserve Azkaban anymore than I did.  It would seem we're both fools who try to get revenge when a loved one is hurt.  That doesn't make you a bad person.  It makes you human.  A hot-headed human like your godfather, but not evil.  Ok?  Do you understand?"

Human.  What it was to be human.  How many times this summer had Harry looked for a way to know he was still human and only finding the answer in a blade?  And here, Sirius was telling him he was human and not bad or evil.  He wasn't mad for what Harry had tried to do.  He seemed to understand.

"Yeah, I understand.  Thanks, Sirius," Harry said, a little too quickly for Sirius to believe, but he changed the subject to a more comfortable topic.  "So, tomorrow night should I go to the Leaky Cauldron?  I wish I could stay here, but I promised that – _woman_ that I'd leave on full moons."

"What about visiting Ron?  You could go for a couple of days and have some fun.  Besides, I'm sure the Weasleys will be thrilled to see you after all of this.  I could come join you in a few days if Remus is well and Molly allows it."  Sirius smiled at Harry and seemed to persuade him with his eyes.

"Alright, I'll go owl them and ask."  _I hope I'm not too much of a bother.  Sirius already seems eager to get rid of me.  But he did say he would come too.  Although, he probably just wants to make sure I don't cut myself there.  It's silly, I haven't even wanted to all day.  Well, maybe a bit at the Ministry after seeing everything again.  Oh yeah, and that whole fiasco in the shower this morning.  Geesh, was that just this morning?  It's been a long day.  Maybe I can show them I'm not too much of a burden… besides the whole thing about them being in danger around me that is.  Merlin, how do I ramble so much in my own head?_

"Er, Sirius, why don't you relax for a bit.   I'm going to get supper started, so Remus doesn't have to.  He seemed pretty worn out."  _And I need to earn my keep.  I couldn't do enough for the Dursleys to tolerate me, but I hope I have a better time of it here.  I'll do whatever it takes for them not to regret the living situation._

"I'll help.  I'm not really tired, so I might as well be useful," he smiled.

"Are you sure?  I can make supper by myself.  I always do, it's no problem."

"I insist.  What does dear Moony have?"  Sirius asked as he walked into the kitchen.  "Hmm… not much.  Ahh, beef.  He needs the protein before transforming.  What would you say to a hearty meal of steak and potatoes, ooh, and carrots?"

Harry laughed at his godfather's enthusiasm.  "Sounds great.  Remind me to go shopping for him when I get back from visiting Ron."

"We'll all go!  I haven't been in a market for… well, too long.  It'll be fun!"

"Easily amused, aren't you?" Harry joked.  Sirius stuck out his tongue at the boy and they both broke into gales of laughter.  A few minutes later, a sleepy looking Remus entered the kitchen to see the two having entirely too much fun peeling potatoes.

"I wasn't aware of my vegetables being so much fun," he said smiling through a yawn.  The other two laughed even harder at that.  Harry kept himself from pondering how quickly his mood had changed.  He was just having way too much fun at the moment.

"Supper should be ready in a half-hour or so," said Harry.

"Half-hour?" whined Sirius.  "Are you muggle cooking?"

Harry reddened in embarrassment.  Was he supposed to know how to cook magically?

Remus jumped in, "Of course he is.  It's summer, he's not allowed to do magic, remember?  We'll teach him wizard cooking later.  Besides, this tastes better, I'm sure."  Remus smiled reassuringly at Harry.

"I'm just glad you have muggle appliances, otherwise I'd be completely useless in here."

"You'd never be completely useless anywhere, kid.  You've got too much talent," Sirius mused over bread.

Harry didn't respond, but continued with the cooking.  They ate quietly in the comfortable dining room, laughing at the occasional joke.  Harry was glad that Sirius and Remus seemed to entirely enjoy the meal.  He really had made it himself.  It turned out Sirius wasn't too familiar in the kitchen.  As he was getting tea and cakes for dessert, Dumbeldore came in, scaring the fur off Padfoot (Sirius had been free less than a day; hiding wasn't a habit easily broken).  The three looked at him expectantly and waited for him to get settled in a chair with tea before Harry finally asked, "Sir, I'm happy to see you again so soon, but is something going on?"


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: **chapter one

**A/N: ** I decided to label my chapters with what day it is, because I was getting confused.  That's bad, considering I'm the one writing this thing.  I figured if I could lose track of the days fairly easily, the readers could too.  Although, I was re-reading some previous chapters and I didn't find it as confusing as when I'm actually writing future chapters.  Wow, that really didn't make sense, but that's ok.  I don't mind if my notes don't make sense, as long as the story does somewhat.  Thank you for the reviews!  Please review after you read this – good, bad, or indifferent.  I just want to know if anyone is still reading this.  The numbers have dropped off significantly, and I want to know if there are people out there still reading.  Otherwise, I'll not waste the time of typing and leave it as a hand-written story in my notebook.  Hope the chapter's ok…

**Chapter 7: August 1st and 2nd **

Dumbledore looked at Harry thoughtfully before speaking. 

"You are very perceptive, young Mr. Potter.  In fact, I have some more information on the miracle of Sirius Black," he smiled at said miracle-man.  "Mr. Pettigrew seemed to know some, but not much, about it.  It would appear that Bellatrix hit you, not with a stunning curse as was thought, but with some sort of relocation curse developed by Voldemort.  Apparently, you were to look dead, but then would be used by the Death Eaters for various dark plans.  Obviously, something interfered with those plans.  This is the real puzzle.  Only very powerful magic could stop you from going to a Death Eater base on that day, and make you show up on Privet Drive on July thirty-first.  I do have a theory, however.  Mr. Potter, have you heard the muggle saying about not telling wishes, lest they don't come true?"  Harry nodded, starting to understand where this was going, but not believing it.  "It is not true, especially if that wish has already been fulfilled.  Would you like to tell us anything about your recent birthday?"  The old man's eyes were twinkling like mad, and Harry knew that he had already guess his birthday wish.

Harry wondered for a moment if Dumbledore had always been omniscient or if it came with age, before he answered.  "Er, on my birthday, Hermione sent me birthday candles to make a wish, because I never had before.  I wished that Sirius was alive and free.  That was around two in the morning on my birthday.  I woke up and went to make breakfast – that's when Wormtail and Padfoot came in.  Sir, did I – did I wish Sirius away from where and when he was supposed to be?  How is that possible?"

"My dear, young Harry.  I think you must have put a great deal of power behind your wish.  I also think that some part of Sirius must have grazed the veil, which would not have killed him, but made it apparent that he had passed beyond.  Unfortunately, Mr. Pettigrew lacked much knowledge of the spell and plans for you, Sirius.  Although, he did say something about polyjuice potion and Mr. Potter's state of mind," Dumbledore had a sad look on his face from this information.  Harry knew they thought he'd had delusional episodes in the past month, and at least part of Voldemort's plan to drive him mad was already beginning to work.  If, indeed, that was his plan.  Harry never voiced his opinions about his sanity, but he knew that he probably didn't have far to go before he completely lost grip on reality.  The occurrence with Fred that day was further proof of this.  Harry also knew he had to fight for his mind so he could, one day, defeat Voldemort.  With Sirius back and Lupin's help, he began to think things might turn out alright, eventually.  He only hoped he wouldn't be a bother in the meantime.  He decided that he needed to keep to himself anything that might seem out of the ordinary.  There was no need to worry them anymore.  

A while after Dumbledore left, the three men decided to go to bed, as they were all quieter than usual anyway.  Harry had no intentions of sleeping, however, so he stayed up reading school texts from past years, instead of subjecting himself to whatever horrors awaited in his mind this night.  Unfortunately, sleep cannot be avoided indefinitely, even with the most interesting defense books.  

Harry dreamt of everything that had happened that day with Sirius.  He had a slight smile on his face as he slept.  Naturally, dreams of Harry Potter's are never good for long.  The setting changed slightly and only Harry and Remus were in Lupin's living room.  Remus was upset.  A few moments later Harry could make out the words.  

_"… have to stop doing this, Harry!  He's gone!"_

_"What are you talking about?  We went to the Ministry. He's free and alive!"_

_"STOP!  Look, Harry, I didn't mind taking you in for a while to grieve and get better, but I can't have you here if you continue to make up things like this.  Do you know how painful it is for you to say that he's alive?  Sirius is gone.  You need to accept that.  If you can't, then I'm sorry.  I don't have it in me to hear those things anymore."_

_"No.  No, Remus, please,' Harry pleaded._

_"I'm sorry, but it hurts too much, Harry.  You have to go back to the Dursleys, and please don't make up anything else about Sirius.  He's gone.  You have to accept it.  If you ever need to talk after you've accepted that fact, I'll be here.  But for now, you have to go."_

_"Remus!  No, please, Remus!  I'm sorry!"_

"Harry!"

_"I won't say anything about him.  I promise!"_

"Harry!"

_"Don't kick me out, please.  I'll be good."_

"Harry!"  The boy woke to someone shaking his shoulders and calling his name.  

Harry scrambled away from the voice and curled up even more into himself, muttering, "I'm sorry Uncle Vernon.  I didn't mean to wake you.  I'm sorry."

"Harry, it's Remus.  You were having a nightmare.  I'm here, and I'm not kicking you out," said Remus comfortingly, while stroking the black locks of Harry's head.  Harry uncurled and looked up at Remus.  Behind Remus, Harry saw Sirius looking concerned, but he didn't approach.  Harry avoided looking at him as much as possible.

He was now thoroughly confused as to which, if any, parts of the dream were real.  The  memories of the day seemed so clear, but the argument did also.  Sirius was trying to get his attention, but he ignored his godfather, not knowing what to think.  What was real?  Was Sirius real?  Would he be taken away again?  What was Harry supposed to do?  Remus would kick him out if Sirius wasn't real, but here the man was, standing in his room.  He suddenly found himself wanting a chance to cut, to bleed, to feel something he knew to be grounded in reality.  He decided he needed to ask some questions first, and assure them that he was ok, before they would go and he would be free to do what he needed to do.

"R-Remus, did Professor Dumbledore stop by today?  Did we go anywhere with him?"  He looked only at Remus, not even glancing at Sirius, in case he wasn't real, and Harry didn't want to make Remus angry.  Remus, however, shot a worried glance at Sirius before he spoke.

"Yes, Harry.  We went to the Ministry, and they cleared Sirius of everything.  Then we went to Diagon Alley, then came back here.  Professor Dumbledore came and told us his theory of why Sirius is alive.  Is there anything else?  Do you remember any of this?"

Harry exhaled in relief; Sirius was real.  "Yeah, I remember.  I just had a bad dream.  Sorry to disturb you,"  Harry looked down at his hands in shame for waking them.

"Why did you think I would kick you out?" Remus asked.

"We had an argument.  You said you couldn't listen to me say Sirius was alive anymore.  You were sending me back to the Dursleys," Harry reported meekly.

Harry was engulfed in a hug from both sides of his bed.  "I really am sorry I disturbed your sleep.  You need it tonight."

"Nonsense, we used to pull all-nighters all the time.  It's no trouble at all.  Do you want to try going back to sleep?  One or both of us could stay, if you like?" Remus offered.

Harry felt very silly about his nightmare now and didn't want to be any more nuisance that he was already.  "No, I'm alright.  Please go back to bed.  I feel like a child."  He gave them a smile to show he was alright.  It didn't work.

"Harry, it's ok to have a bad dream, and it's ok to want comfort afterwards," explained Remus gently.  Sirius, oddly quiet, nodded in agreement.

"Sorry, I'm just not used to it.  I'll be ok, though.  Really.  In fact, I'm pretty tired and want to go back to sleep now.  Thanks for waking me and everything… I'll see you in the morning."

Remus and Sirius glanced at each other and headed for the door saying goodnight.  They also assured Harry that he could wake them anytime if he needed anything.  Harry was grateful, but knew he wouldn't really wake them; he felt too bad disturbing them.

They came back a few minutes later, Remus carrying a book of some kind.  He handed it to Harry and sat on the edge of the bed to explain.

"I wanted to give this to you for your birthday when you were to come visit, but it slipped my mind with everything that's happened.  This is a journal.  It's magical, but you can use it during the summer, because it doesn't require you to use magic.  Does that make sense?" Remus asked.

"Yes… how does it work?"  Harry was reminded immediately of Tom Riddle's diary and everything that had ensued from using that.

"Well, first we need to key it to you, specifically.  You will give it a password, so that you are the only one who can read what you've written.  If anyone else opens it, they will see blank pages.  It's actually very simple, but the first use requires a spell, which is why I didn't just send it to you.  I'll say the incantation while you write your name and password on the first page.  That's all there is to it.  After that, you just write the password and all of your previous entries appear.  Are you ready?"  Harry nodded, and Remus spoke, "Signumus."

Harry wrote his name and the word 'someday' on the first page of the journal.  The ink disappeared into the page and other words appeared.

_Welcome, Harry Potter.  I am your journal and will serve only you as long as I exist._

Harry smiled and looked back up at Remus, "Thank you."

"Your welcome, Harry.  I thought you could use a place to let out some thoughts if you're not up for talking all the time.  But, I do want to emphasize that Sirius and I are always available and love to talk to you.  About anything."

"That's right, Harry.  Anytime and anything you want to say, you can come to us," Sirius added.  Harry was more reassured by the sound of his voice than the actual words he spoke.

They left, again, and Harry waited for a half hour to be sure they weren't coming back.  He'd started writing in the journal about his dream and what Remus and Sirius said.  He wrote in big letters 'THIS IS REAL!'  He decided to add a drop of blood, so he would know for sure this was real, now and in the future, so he could look back if he needed.  He took the journal and made his way, quietly to the bathroom.

He sat on the toilet and pulled out the knife he'd swiped from the kitchen earlier.  He wasn't really aware of taking the knife at the time, but now he was very glad he had.  He decided his wrists and forearms were too exposed to cut without anyone noticing.  He looked to his upper arms, but decided on the crook of his elbow; the place from which Wormtail had stolen his blood.  He carefully brought the tip of the small knife to his elbow and pressed just enough to puncture the skin.  Harry smiled to himself as a small amount of blood pooled on the inside of his elbow.  This was nice and controlled, not like the frenzied, erratic cutting after Sirius first showed up at the Dursleys.  This was the comforting control that grounded him.  He didn't need to be gushing to accomplish what he wanted from cutting.  He only need to feel the pain of puncturing his skin and see the blood well up.  That's when he knew it was all real.  His visions, which were always horridly bloody never featured his own blood.  Since he'd never seen his own blood spilled in visions, he'd come to rely on that as the only truth available when the visions and dreams had gotten to the point of confusing with reality.  He carefully gathered a drop onto the tip of the knife and dabbed it on the parchment next to his declaration of reality.  He let the small trickle of blood sooth him for a few minutes, then washed it off and held his hand over it until the bleeding stopped.  The small puncture wound was barely visible, not noticeable unless looked for.  With that, Harry returned to bed and had no more nightmares that night, managing to get a good five hours sleep.

A ray of sun woke him the next morning, and Harry lazily opened his eyes to see dried blood on the inside of his elbow.  _Damn, I shouldn't have done that.  I thought I told myself to work on this? Ok, from now on you need to think before you do that.  Use the journal.   Maybe if you write it out you won't have to cut and make people mad if they find out.  But it always works… it always solves whatever problems are there…  No, it'll only hurt Sirius and Remus if they find out.  Oh yeah, they already found out.  But maybe they think you stopped.  You'll disappoint them.  They won't want to deal with you.  You're supposed to be this great wizard who can destroy Voldemort.  What will they say if they find out you can't handle a little jumbling in your head?  Alright, I'll have to try not to so they don't get rid of me.  Although, they would be safer if I went back to the Dursleys, but they said that they want me here.  Aaaarrrrgggghhh… I'm so confused.  I should write this down, so I don't slip up and do it again.  Hmm… I wonder if it's normal to talk to yourself as 'you' and 'me'._

Harry opened his new journal and wrote another short entry below the one from last night.  Then he got up and showered before going down for breakfast.

Harry was surprised to see Remus was already up and cooking breakfast when he entered the kitchen.  Sirius had set the table and was watching the food cook, as if willing it to cook faster.  As it was a wizard cooking, it only took a few seconds anyway, but Remus seemed to be adding a personal touch to everything in a very slow, methodical way.  He was driving Sirius mad and enjoying it.

When Remus finally dished the food out, Harry felt his stomach revolt at the thought of one bite.  He knew he wasn't sick, he just couldn't eat much in the morning some days, especially after staying with the Dursleys for any amount of time.  This was one of those days.

Remus looked at him apologetically and asked, "You don't like waffles?"

"No, waffles are fine.  I just don't feel much like eating right now.  If I wait a half hour or so I will.  Sometimes I need to be up and active before I can eat.  I've always been that way."  He didn't mention that he usually had to do a couple hours of chores, including _making_ breakfast, before he was allowed to eat anything at the Dursleys.  Even after five years at school, the short summers were enough to hone that engrained behavior each summer, and he'd been at the Dursleys a month already with the same chore/food routine.

"Why don't you go fly a bit, then?  We'll keep your food warm, alright?" Sirius suggested.

Harry was more than willing to go along with this suggestion.  He ran out with his broom before saying anything else.

The morning air hit him like a jet of fresh mountain water.  He sailed through the crisp air, relishing in the freedom one could only find in the sky.  He flew straight up until the clearing with Remus's house looked like a mere patch of grass, then dove at such a speed that tears streamed out of his squinted eyes.  Harry decided this is the way everyone should start their morning.  He was convinced the world would have fewer problems if everyone would go out and experience the joy of flying.  Maybe Voldemort would be content if Harry sent him a broom.  Harry snorted at the random and completely daft thought.  In all of his swoops and dives, Harry didn't realize he had an audience.  They made themselves known, however, after an especially fast, low dive, from which Harry pulled up barely in the nick of time.

"Harry!" Sirius shouted.   "You're going to give us old men heart attacks!" The smiles on their faced betrayed Sirius's worrying words.  Harry swooped over to them and dismounted.

"Sorry, was I out long?  I think I'm ready for your magnificent waffles, Remus."

"You haven't even tried them yet.  You may want to hold off on the 'magnificent'."

"Hey, I didn't cook it, but I get to eat it, it has to be good!"  Harry smiled.

"Does Petunia cook that well that you think everyone else does?" Remus joked.

"I don't know, but the house elves at Hogwarts do an amazing job.  So does Mrs. Weasley!"  Harry was licking his lips at the thought.

"You sound like you've never tried your aunt's cooking.  Does your uncle do most of the cooking, or is hers just that awful?"  Sirius smirked.

"Oh, no people seem to like her food.  I just haven't really had it since I was four or five.  But anyway – " Harry really didn't want the conversation to go in the Dursley direction.  He was in much too good a mood for that.  However, Sirius seemed to want more of an explanation, and Harry knew he'd said too much already not to explain further.

"What do you mean you haven't had it since then?  What did you eat?" Sirius asked, obviously trying to keep his dislike of Harry's muggle relatives quiet.

_Fine, I'll explain to him if that's what he wants.  _"I started cooking for myself when I was little, then for the Dursleys when I was around seven.  I'm going to go have breakfast now.  You can have a ride on my broom if you like.  It's a great way to start the morning."  Harry didn't want to sound irritated, but he also didn't want to have his good mood killed by more Dursley conversation.

"Ok, I think I will," said Sirius with a smile.  He had finally picked up on Harry's mood.

Remus's waffles were magnificent, indeed.  He even had fresh raspberries from the garden for topping.  By the time he was finished, Sirius came back in with windblown hair.

"You're right.  That is definitely a good way to start the day.  Oh, we had an owl before you got up.  The Weasleys are at headquarters.  It's safer than the Burrow.  I'll probably come by tomorrow late afternoon.  Moony says he doesn't need me anymore because of the potion," Sirius said in a mock pout.

"Of course Moony needs you, Padfoot.  He just doesn't try to kill me with the potion, so recuperation is shorter.  I'll be coming the day after tomorrow for a meeting," said Remus.

"Ok.  Better than the Dursleys.  Merline, I'm glad I never have to go back there," Harry commented with a shiver.

"Well, I wouldn't say never, Harry.  You will have to go back again," said Sirius.

Harry's heart began to pound in his ears and his vision was unfocussed.  _They're sending me back.  I blew it.  Was it because I woke up late and they had to make breakfast?  Was I supposed to clean the house?  Merlin, was I supposed to do something in the yard?  They didn't tell me.  Should I have just known?  Maybe it's the nightmares.  They don't want to be woken up every night.  One night was enough for them.  I put them in danger.  That's it.  I'm not worth keeping, because of the threat.  Damn.  Why did I let myself think they wanted me?  No one would want me around.  All I am is a dangerous obligation they feel the need to protect.  Until now that is…_

There was a hand waving in front of his face and someone calling his name.

"Harry?  Hey, kid, you alright?  You spaced out for a minute.  Did you hear what I said?"

"Yeah, I have to go back to the Dursley's," Harry answered in a small, hollow voice.

"You have to go back for a while next summer, for protection.  You didn't hear it all, huh?  I'm going to stay with Figg when you're there.  We're not sending you back now.  Sorry if I scared you.  I didn't think about how I said that.  I don't think about a lot of things I say," Sirius smiled comfortingly.

"Oh, ok.  I guess I understand," said Harry, trying to get a hold of himself.  He was still rather confused.

Seeing Harry's confusion, Sirius continued, "In case of any emergencies, we need to make sure we can get you there so you're safe.  If not for those protections, I'd never make you go back if you didn't want to.  I thought if I go to Figg's while you're there, we can still see each other, so you won't be alone."

"Thanks, but you'll just be bored on Privet Drive.  You don't have to come too," Harry told him, but he really did want Sirius to be there.

"I'm going with you, kiddo, and that's the end of it.  This won't happen for a year, so let's forget about it for now.  Why don't you go get ready?  I'm afraid you're going to have to take a portkey.  The Floo network could still be monitored, and it's too far to fly from here.  Will you be alright with that?"

Harry paled slightly, but nodded and said it was fine.

Throughout the day, Remus seemed to be acting quite peculiar, for him.  Harry guessed if you didn't know him, he'd seem like any other normal person, but there were small changes noticeable by those who spent a little more time with the quiet man.  He seemed exhausted and high-strung at the same time.  He would sit in silence, then chatter aimlessly with Sirius, who seemed to take all of the mood changes in stride, and would adapt quickly to each change.  Harry spent his time trying to stay out of the way, not wanting to irritate the man on the worst day of the month for him.  He didn't, however, just ignore Remus.  He was glad to talk or play wizard's chess when the werewolf desired, and brought him tea when he just wanted to sit in peace.  Sirius had told Harry that Remus always made a large breakfast on the day of the full moon, if he could, to give him something to do before others awoke, as the sunrise was especially opposing to sleep on those days.

Around four in the afternoon, Fawkes flashed in, dropped a parcel, and vanished again in a flame.  Harry picked it up and read the note on the outside of the package, telling him it was his portkey from Dumbledore.  He said goodbye to Sirius and Remus before opening the package to find a completely still replica of a snitch.  Harry smiled despite his nervousness.  

As he grasped the snitch, he felt the tug behind his navel, and his heart rate sped up.  He forced himself to calm down as he fell to the floor of the kitchen in number twelve Grimmauld Place.  There were no dead people, no Death Eaters, no Dark Mark, and no Voldemort – all in all a good trip so far.

He was helped up by a smiling Mrs. Weasley and immediately pulled into a tight hug.  Harry was still a little uncomfortable with the gesture, but he was no longer surprised when it happened, even if he didn't expect it.  In no time he was bombarded by red-heads and led to a chair for tea.  Harry smiled to himself as the others sat around him, all eagerly awaiting news about Sirius.  Even the twins were there, who already knew some of the story and had no doubt filled in the rest of the Weasleys.  Harry took a sip of tea and prepared for a long afternoon of questions.

**A/N: **I'm not sure if this was a good stopping point or not, but it's where I decided to end for today.   I don't know if that made any sense at all.

Does anyone want me to make a mailing list for this story since my updates are very sporadic? 


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: **Fortunately not mine or the real stuff never would have been published.

**A/N:**  So… excuses for the long delay?  Er… too many other fics to read? Does that count?  Accidentally writing another fic (it's possible, believe me).  School (of course).  And tiredness/laziness.  Oh yeah, and friends who think I spend an unhealthy amount of time with our dear Potter (jerks, I'm not addicted, I can quit whenever I want… I just don't want to!)  

Excuses for this chapter… why do I need excuses?  You'll see when you read it.  I blame it on undercooked turkey and too much chocolate.  Honestly, I don't know where half of this came from.  It wasn't in the original plan, but it wouldn't go away when I tried to avoid it… if you still want to read, thank you brave souls!  :) please review too.  I love getting notes from strangers as long as their not stalkers.

**Chapter 8: August 2nd and 3rd**

By the time Harry was finished telling his tale, leaving out certain things about himself, supper was ready and placed on the table.  Harry felt bad for not having helped, but Mrs. Weasley insisted it was his birthday dinner, just a few days late.  It was delicious, every bit as good as he remembered and then some.  He conveyed his thoughts to Mrs. Weasley who smiled.

"Why thank you dear.  I'm sorry I couldn't send you more food parcels this summer.  We've been awfully busy."  She did look sorry about this, and Harry didn't really know what to say.

Harry blushed from her concern and said without looking up, "It was alright.  I had plenty of food at the Dursleys. You don't have to worry about me," he smiled up at her, but didn't look her in the eye.

"Well, that's good to hear.  Would you like some dessert?"

Harry had the distinct impression that she knew that he didn't get much more food this summer, but he was eternally grateful for her not bringing it up in front of everyone.  He smiled and accepted the dessert of fruit and cakes.  After all, it was a moot point now that he wasn't living there anymore.  Concerns for next year's stay could be ignored for now.

They enjoyed a relatively relaxing evening, or as much of one as a person could have with the Weasley twins around.  Harry was happy to let his normally undesirable thoughts be overridden with laughter at their jokes and new inventions.  Harry was a little disappointed that Hermione couldn't be here to join in the fun, but understood that her parents wanted to spend more time with her.  After all, she barely spent any time home last summer and was seriously injured at the end of term.  Dumbledore had put up some powerful wards around her parents house and given them an emergency portkey, should anything happen.  Happily, nothing had happened, aside from Harry's false vision, to cause any more worry this summer. 

"You guys need to come to Remus's.  His back yard is huge, great for flying!"

"Yeah!  We can play a real Quidditch game, because it's in the middle of nowhere, right?" asked Ron excitedly.

"Yep!  Although, I don't have any real Quidditch balls."

"No problem, mate.  We've got a set," said George.

"It's a little old," said Fred.

"And the snitch occasionally tries to be a bludger," continued George.

"But it works pretty well anyway," finished Fred.

Harry smiled, "Sounds perfect."  He was thoughtful for a minute, then said, "I have to make sure it's ok with Remus, of course.  I'm sure he'll say yes, though.  I hope he's doing alright tonight," he added as an afterthought.

"I'm sure he is.  He has Padfoot with him, right?" said Ron with a huge smile.

Harry smiled back at him with one of the few genuine smiles he'd had in quite a while, "Yes, he does.  It's good he's back.  So good."  Harry just stared into apace for a few minutes, thinking about how great it was to have Sirius in his life again, even if Harry was a little confused by it all sometimes.  _It's worth it, _thought Harry, _to go a little nuts if it means Sirius is alive._

A wrapping at the door startled Harry out of his thoughts.  For a split second Harry thought he was having a vision, _the Death Eaters are polite enough to knock before torturing and killing their victims_.  The thought was banished when Mrs. Weasley's voice accompanied the knocks.  Harry visibly relaxed, although he wasn't aware of tensing in the first place.  Thankfully, none of the Weasley children noticed these changes.

"Time for bed, kids!  We want an early start in the morning," Mrs. Weasley said as she opened the door.  No one bothered to argue with her that they weren't 'kids'.  It was a losing battle.

Everyone looked at her confused.  Finally, Ginny spoke up and asked what they all wanted to know.

"Mum, what are we doing tomorrow?"

"We're going to have a day out.  Now, go to bed.  I don't want to be calling you for an hour in the morning to get up.  Fred, George, you have someone minding the store for tomorrow, correct?"

"Yes, Mum."

"Lee Jordan."

"Goodnight, dears," she said after ushering Ginny, Fred, and George out and hugging Ron and Harry.

Harry and Ron got ready for bed, wondering what was going on the next day.

Harry had a single candle for light as he wrote in his journal.  He'd waited until Ron's breathing evened out and was asleep before taking the journal out and writing his password on the first page.  Everything he had written previously appeared, and he flipped to the first blank page and began writing.

[_Hey_ _Journal, they keep me locked up and away from everyone for a summer and a half.  Now, they're taking us out for the day?  That doesn't make any sense.  There must be something happening here tomorrow that they don't want us around for.  I'll ask someone in the morning.  I wonder who's going with us.  I know there will be guards, I just hope they're some that like to have a little fun.  I hope Tonks comes.  I wonder where they will take us.  I guess I'll find out all that tomorrow._

_New topic: I had a little scare when Mrs. Weasley knocked on the door.  I thought for a minute it was Death Eaters (I know, completely irrational).  It's just, they always knock.  My panic didn't last long though, and no one noticed.  Maybe it's a good thing Hermione's not here, even though I miss her, she always sees things like that.  Other than that, I had a good day without any problems with reality...  Wow, that sounds so stupid and loony.  If I knew myself, I'd through me in St. Mungo's and throw away the key.  I should say, if I was someone else who knew me.  Good thing the others don't notice.  I really don't want to be locked up.  Maybe I'm not really that crazy, if no one else can see it?  I think I'm getting better.  I haven't had any false visions for a while.  I still can't block all of the real stuff, but I must be doing better, because I haven't seen anything the past couple nights.  Perhaps Voldemort's on vacation?  There's an interesting thought.  Snake-man on the beach.  Hope he gets a bad sunburn with skin that pale.  Ok, I'm not making much sense now, I'm so tired.  I can't hold off sleep much longer, so I'm going to stop writing now.  ~Harry (Aug. 2nd, 2:30 a.m.)_]

Harry put his things away and blew out the single candle.  He drifted to sleep very quickly out of exhaustion and didn't have anything more than fleeting images flying through his mind all night.  The images were like muggle photos from each vision, false and true, that he had ever had.  Despite the disturbing nature of these images, Harry slept soundly until he was shaken awake in the morning.  He woke with no memory of the images that plagued his dreams.  He immediately recalled that he needed to find out what was going on today.

As they sat down for breakfast, Harry looked around at all the Order members present.  It seemed the whole Order was here except Lupin, Sirius, and Dumbledore.  Even Snape was here, brooding in a corner.  Harry felt a familiar sense of guilt, thinking about the Penseive incident and thought about apologizing, but he didn't want to do it with so many people around.  He knew Snape would be very receptive to him in the first place, and with so many people around it would be a hopeless cause.  

Kingsley walked over and told Harry that Sirius had fire-called them earlier to say everything went fine the night before and he'd be there later that afternoon.  Remus was still planning on coming the next day, but possibly this afternoon with Sirius if he got enough sleep.  Harry smiled and sighed in relief.  He didn't realize how much he had been worried about his two… he didn't know what to call them.  They were both like father figures in some ways and like brothers or older friends in other ways.

Harry brought his dirty dishes into the kitchen where Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were talking and cleaning up.  He cleared his throat and they turned to him.

"Oh, thank you, dear.  You didn't have to bring your dishes in here," said Mrs. Weasley kindly.

Harry blushed, "Er, I had some, er, questions."  Harry could have kicked himself for the uncertainty in his voice.

"What questions, Harry?" asked Mr. Weasley.

"Why do we have to leave for the day?  What's going on?"

Mr. Weasley smiled, "Nothing gets by you, does it, Harry?  We are testing some of the enchantments on this old place.  We may add a few, but it's mostly just going to be a boring meeting discussing the protections around headquarters.  If anything should go wrong, there is a slight chance, however unlikely, that someone would be able to find us.  So, we figured it would be safer and more fun for you kids to go out for the day.  I know you haven't been able to go have a good day out in a long time, Harry.  Enjoy it."

Harry smiled and said, "Thanks, I will.  Thank you for telling me some of what's going on.  I don't like being left in the dark, especially when it affects me.  Wait, that sounded conceited, but do you know what I mean?" Mr. Weasley nodded and pushed Harry back to his friends.

Dumbledore had arrived and most of the Order were sitting around the large table.

"Would everyone going out today please step into the Drawing room? That includes Mr. Potter, three Misters Weasley, Miss Weasley, and their guard.  Once they are off, we will proceed with the meeting."

The called stepped into the Drawing room and waited somewhat patiently.  None of them knew what they were waiting for, except the adults, and they wouldn't say.  The twins had much to say about that, since they were also adults and out of school.  They didn't have much time to voice their complaints, however, because Dumbledore came in to the room and called everyone's attention.

"Well, today you get to be muggles.  You will be going to the zoo and a muggle shopping center.  As such, you will need to look and act as much like muggles as you can.  The Granger family will meet you at the Underground station near the Leaky Cauldron after you are done in Diagon Alley.  Since the only guards we can spare at the moment are Molly and Tonks, you will all be disguised.  The Grangers will not.  It would probably be a good idea not to call each other's names loudly, as there could be anyone listening.  It is unlikely in the middle of muggle London, but it could happen.  Now, I will be putting a charm on all of you.  It is similar to the Disillusionment charm, but has a slightly different effect.  Instead of blending in, your appearance will be different from usual – not completely different, but enough that you aren't readily recognizable.  This charm uses what you already have and tweaks here and there," Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling like mad, and Harry wondered if he just made this charm up on the spot or if it really existed and wondered what he meant by 'tweaks'.  Well, he'd find out soon enough.

The headmaster tapped Harry on the head with his wand and muttered words that Harry couldn't understand.  Similar to the Disillusionment charm, he felt a chill travel down from his head, but the chill tingled like when a single hair on your head is pulled lightly.  When it was finished, he looked in the mirror and gasped.

His hair was a medium brown and lying somewhat flatter than usual.  His face was different, but he couldn't tell how.  He just knew that more of his mother's features were visible than the usual 'duplicate of James' look.  His eyes were more of a golden-hazel color, but still held tones of green depending on the light.  It seemed that this charm took what was already there in subtle tones and made these more pronounced, thereby quieting the more distinctive features.  All in all, he didn't look much different, but knew he wouldn't be recognized as Harry Potter.

The Weasleys all looked slightly different also.  Harry could tell who they each were, but guessed he wouldn't have known had he just seen them on the street one day without knowing about the charm.  Ron's hair was more brownish now, though it held a tint of red throughout.  Ginny's hair was a cascade of colors from a very light blonde to deep auburn, like a sunset weaved into hair.  Her freckles evened out and gave her a tanned look.  She seemed to have acquired an older, more mature feminine look as well.  In a word, she was beautiful, but Harry would never admit that to any of the Weasley men.  That could prove more terrifying than Voldemort.  Harry laughed quietly to himself at the image of seven red-headed men and one woman all charging after him.  He really did love that family.  Amazingly, Fred and George didn't look the same anymore. Fred's hair had turned lighter, almost to a strawberry blond and his freckles all but disappeared, leaving him with a pale complexion.  George, on the other hand, had dark brown, almost black, hair.  Red highlights could be picked out in direct sunlight, but otherwise, his hair seemed to match Harry's more than the other Weasleys.  Mrs. Weasley looked much the same as usual, but with chocolate brown hair and some slight differences Harry couldn't name.  She still looked motherly, but not necessarily like a Weasley.  Dumbledore waved his wand again and they were all in the latest muggle-style clothing.  Needless to say, they would not be mistaken for a group of Weasleys and Harry Potter.  Tonks, of course, merely concentrated to turn herself into a middle-aged muggle woman.  The term 'soccer mom' flashed through Harry's head from an American movie Dudley had watched once. 

Harry was very pleased.  He'd glanced at himself again and noticed that his famous scar was hardly visible on his tan-looking skin.  If one looked close enough to see it, Harry was sure he could explain it as a simple cat scratch or some such minor cut.  He grinned at his companions as they walked back into the kitchen, to gaping viewers, before leaving.

Mrs. Sanders (Mrs. Weasley had come up with this to keep their name quiet for the day) looked to the group of witches and wizards and smiled, "We will be back around four this afternoon.  If anyone wishes to stay for supper, you are more than welcome.  Just tell me when I get back, so I know how much to make."

Tonks exchanged words with a few people and the group left number twelve Grimmauld Place in high spirits.  Tonks handed Harry a small pin, which he pinned onto his jacket.  She informed him that it was an emergency portkey to the headmaster's office at Hogwarts.  All he needed to do was touch it and say "safe haven," and he would be transported there.  There were two more emergency portkeys for the group that Tonks and Mrs. Weasley held on to, should they need them.  These precautions dampened Harry's spirits a bit, but he perked up when he heard Fred and George congratulating their mother on a way to finally tell them apart, now that they looked so different.  He laughed quietly at their antics and walked down the sidewalk with a slight smile on his face.  

They walked to the nearest Underground station, as it wasn't a great distance, and rode to the part of London containing the Leaky Cauldron.  Harry and the Weasleys needed to exchange some Galleons for muggle money.

Harry was very relieved when they walked into the old bar and there were no second glances; no whispers about the Boy-Who-Lived; generally, no reaction at all.  He rather like his new look and wondered if Dumbledore would consent to him using it every time he went out in public.  The Gringott's goblins didn't seem to care that he looked nothing like Harry Potter, as long as he had the key to his vault, so everything went well at the wizarding bank.  Harry hadn't really done much muggle shopping, aside from going to the market with a detailed list from his aunt, so he grabbed fifty Galleons to exchange.  He hurriedly put the pounds into an old muggle money clip, which Moody had charmed so the bills needed were on the outside for easy, quick access.  Apparently, Mad-eye's paranoia was not restricted to magic or Death Eaters, but regular pick-pockets also.  _'They can't steal what they don't know is there!'_ he had told Harry.  Harry just shook his head and laughed at the ex-auror, while thanking him for his thoughtfulness.

The trip to Gringotts and back out of the Leaky Cauldron took less than an hour, and the group was on their way to the Underground again.  Harry decided to buy gifts for Sirius and Remus while he was out, but he didn't know what to get them.  He was brought out of his thoughts by Ron tapping him on the shoulder and speaking to him.

"Chad?  Hey, Chad, you gotta remember that that's your name for the day and respond," Ron said, laughing a bit.

"Alright, Matt.  I got it.  How about we just don't say any names.  We don't say each other's names in normal conversation very often anyway, you know?"

"Yeah, I know.  It's just fun, though, isn't it?  Being someone else for a day.  Wait till Hermione sees us!  She'll freak!" Ron exclaimed.

_'Filthy little freak!'_

"Yeah, she will.  It'll be fun to spend some time with her and her parents.  We don't really know them at all.  I wonder what sort of things they like to do," Harry pondered. 

Mrs. Weasley heard him, "Well, it was their idea to go to the zoo and shopping.  They said we could do something else if we liked, but I didn't know what to suggest, so we decided to go with their suggestions.  Is that alright with you, Ha – Chad?"  Mrs. Weasley smiled.

"Yes, Mrs. Sanders, it's great.  I remember I went to the zoo once with the Dursleys, before I knew about Hog – our school.  I talked to a boa constrictor from Brazil," he added absently, then cringed, remembering how angry that whole incident made his uncle.

Ron, Fred, and George looked at him with wide eyes.  Fred said, "Wicked.  Are you going to do it again this time?"

"Hopefully that one got away.  He was really unhappy in there.  Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you.  I accidentally made the glass disappear… That shouldn't happen this time.  For one, I know about magic and can somewhat control it.  Two, I'm with you guys, not the Dursleys, so I shouldn't get mad enough to lose control.  Maybe I can talk to some other snakes though.  Don't you mind?  Everyone was pretty creeped out by it when I did it by accident second year."

"Well, it is kind of strange sounding," said George.

"I don't think you should.  It would be pretty noticeable to anyone who knows what it is, you know?" said Ron.

Harry considered this and realized he was right.  Plus, he didn't really want everyone else staring at him while he did it.  He like the idea of talking to something that no one else could understand, because he could tell it anything, but a public place wouldn't be the best venue for chatting with a snake.

"Yeah, you're right, Matt," Harry said to Ron.  

They just came up on Hermione and her parents and ran over.

"Hermione!" Harry and Ron cried at the same time.

She looked at them and smiled.  She hugged Ron first, then Harry, "It's good to see you, Harry.  I heard the good news and I'm thrilled for you.  I can't wait to see Snuffles again."  

She had spoken softly into his ear so no one else could hear.  They quietly filled her in on who all was with them, though she had figured it out, and what their names were for the day.  Apparently, Dumbledore had told her they would be disguised so they would have to find her and tell her who they were, so she wasn't all that surprised, to Ron's chagrin.  He really had wanted to mess with her head it seemed.

"You guys look great!" she squealed.  "It's been too long," she smiled.

The adults started off and motioned for the kids to follow.  Tonks sort of hovered between all the conversations, as she was an adult, but was really closer in age to the kids.  

They made their way towards the zoo, taking various trains and a bus before reaching their destination.  Harry was excited.  This was like going out for his birthday.  Granted it was a few days after, and not really for that purpose, but he hushed up that little part of his brain and enjoyed the feeling.  He didn't care that he was sixteen now, and going to the zoo for birthdays is supposed to be childish.  He and the rest of his companions had a great time looking at all the different species of animals.  

When they approached the lion's cage, they found the big cats sleeping.  After reading the sign, they learned that these cats could sleep around twenty hours a day, so they decided that waiting around to get a roar out of the big male probably wasn't worth the wait – that is, unless one of the guards accompanying the group is just as excited about hearing it roar.  Tonks surreptitiously moved her arm in her oversized sleeves, where she hid her wand, and the next second the male was up on a high rock and roared out for all to hear.  Some of the keepers in the area looked puzzled – this was not normal behavior, but it must not have been too rare, because they went back to their work and the lion settled down to sleep again after several minutes.

"That was great!  What did you do?" asked Ron excitedly.

"Oh, I just made him think there was another male around.  He had to call out to claim his territory.  Nothing much. It's just fun to hear that roar," Tonks said with glittering eyes.  Mrs. Weasley didn't look too happy that she had used magic here, but no one else had noticed, so she merely told them to move on.

They had a great time looking at the rest of the big cats.  Ginny mentioned that the jaguars were her favorite, and it turned out to be quite a challenge to get her away from that enclosure.  

They walked by a bird exhibit on the back side of a building.  Harry was looking at some large flightless birds, emus, when he heard someone behind him.

_"Those are the most unintelligent animals in the zoo," _the voice said.

"What?" Harry asked.

The others were a few meters ahead of him and didn't hear his quiet question.

_"The emus are so stupid that they do not know how to get inside when the weather turns cold.  The humans have to come and usher them into their homes."_

Harry turned around at the word 'humans' to try and see who or what was talking to him.  He saw a glass window behind him containing a medium sized snake.  _So that's who's talking to me._  Harry had no idea how he could hear through the glass, but it was the same with that snake from Brazil all those years ago.  He looked around to see if anyone was close.  There was no one but his group, which was now two exhibits down the trail.  

_"What is your name?" _he asked the snake.

_"One of the humans calls me 'Cueball.'  The rest don't call me anything.  My sign says Ball Python.  What are you called, human?"_

_"I'm Harry.  I think Cueball is a nice name for you.  You seem to like to curl up into a ball quite a bit.  Is that human nice to you?"_

_"Yesss, he is the only one that puts me on his neck.  It is a very warm place to sleep, a human neck.  Although, my rock in the warm light is nice too.  Where do you like to sleep, Harry human?"_

Harry suppressed a laugh and answered, _"I sleep in a bed.  It's like a soft rock with layers of… leaves over me.  It keeps me nice and warm like your rock."_

_"Soundsss nice."_

_"It was nice talking to you, Cueball, but I need to go.  The other humans I am with will be wondering where I am.  I have to stay close to them so they don't worry."_

_"Alright, Harry human.  It was nice talking to you.  I wish I could talk to the nice human who holds me, but he doesn't seem to understand what I say.  Good day to you, and may you find plenty of sunshine on your soft rock."_

_"Thank you, Cueball.  Goodbye."_

Harry walked away from the window and had to jog to catch up to the rest of the group.  They were all goggling at a couple of parrots that had learned to imitate people and were spewing out random words and phrases.  Harry suddenly had a new appreciation of snakes and his ability to talk with them.

"Hi, Samantha.  What do you think of them?" Harry asked Ginny, indicating the birds.

She smiled, "I think they're beautiful.  Do you like them?"

"I guess so.  They are very nice looking, not half as beautiful as someone else I know." Harry winked at Ginny, then continued.  "I think Hedwig would be jealous if I thought they were more beautiful than her.  She just knows sometimes," Harry smiled.  Ginny laughed and blushed, knowing exactly who Harry was referring to before talking about Hedwig.

"Oh, Chad, you are simply too much sometimes. I think this little costume of yours has given you more confidence.  It's very bold to talk of a girl's beauty, be she a bird or not."

"Where on Earth did you get that line, Samantha?  You've grown up."

"Yes, well, maybe I shouldn't have looked at that trashy romance novel I found at headquarters," she blushed again.  "I just wanted to say something a little more grown up, but it really doesn't suit me, does it?  It was a little cheesy."

Harry just smiled at her again before they walked on with the rest of the group.  After a few minutes, Harry said, "I've also said things that don't suit me, so I guess it's just the day for it, eh?"

"Yes I suppose it is, and in multiple languages.  I heard you back there, er, talking to the snake…"

"Oh…"

"None of the others noticed.  I think I can pick it up easier because of everything that happened my first year…  Would it offend you if I said it gives me the chills?  I don't think it would if I didn't have those memories, you know?"

Harry nodded, "I know what you mean.  I kind of have this thing with portkeys because of what I associate with them.  I'm sorry, I didn't even think about what you would remember from the Chamber and all that.  Are you ok?" he asked concerned.

She smiled at him, "Yes, I'm alright.  It's been a long time, and it doesn't really bother me much anymore.  Just certain things, like someone speaking Parseltongue, will jog my memory," she said with a smirk.  

"I'm sure the Parseltongue example happens all the time, not just when some prat of a friend does it without thinking," Harry said sarcastically.

"Every day," she replied and they both chuckled a bit and caught up to the group.  "And you're not a prat."

They continued on to the gift shop after looking at all the animals once (some twice).  Harry found a jaguar stuffed animal and bought it, along with a statue of two wolves, one gray and white, the other pure black.  He thought it might be nice for Remus's house and hoped he wouldn't be offended by the gesture.  

Once they got on the bus again, Harry handed Ginny the stuffed animal he'd bought her.

"You didn't have to get me this, Chad," Ginny said amazed.

"Yes I did.  Some zoo keeper told me to give it to you, because they wouldn't let you take the real ones home," he joked.

Ginny smiled.  "Well, I'll have to thank him next time I'm there."

Everyone seemed to go into a sort of stupor on the way to the shopping center.  They had gotten up early that day and had already done a lot of walking, and everyone was fairly tired by this point.  Harry began dozing when his scar started to itch.  _No, not here, _he thought frantically.  After a few minutes the pain, which had increased to a slight burning, disappeared.  Harry wasn't sure if he'd imagined it or what.  Those pains never disappeared that quickly anymore, and no foreign emotions came with it.  He thought maybe it was because he had been practicing occlumency more rigorously of late.  He didn't have much time to ponder these thoughts before they reached their destination.  

Once inside the shopping center, all hell broke lose.  More specifically, teenage girl-ness took over the group.  Hermione and Ginny wanted to shop for clothes, shoes, and more clothes, while the boys wanted to go to the arcade and game shops and other 'fun' stores.  The discussion was settle by splitting into two groups.  Mrs. Weasley, Mrs. Granger and the two girls went in one group.  Tonks, Mr. Granger, and the boys went in the other.  Harry thought he heard Tonks mumble something about thanking the deities above for getting out of girl shopping, but he wasn't sure he heard everything correctly over the noise of the crowd so avoided commenting.

The boys had a leisurely walk around the mall, checking out stores if they looked interesting, but mostly avoiding clothing shops.  Harry mentioned that he did need to buy some clothes, so they went in one shop that didn't look too bad.  After ten minutes of constant badgering by a salesman, Harry walked out with two new pair of jeans and a few shirts.  He didn't like any of the flashy things the clerk was trying to get him to try on and went as fast as he could to buy the somewhat plain t-shirts and sweaters he liked.  

This incident led to a new game for Fred and George, which they aptly named 'Can I help you?'  The whole point is to walk in a store, touch the back wall, and walk out without getting badgered by any salespeople.  It turned out to be more difficult than it sounded, but did make for some great laughs.  Harry couldn't remember every having so much care-free fun.  This was honestly one of the best days he could remember.  

All too soon, they were back on the Underground, having said goodbye to Hermione and her parents, and on their way back to Number Twelve Grimmauld Place.  

When they entered the old manor, they found most of the Order still in the house.  Apparently they had just finished everything a few minutes before and those not staying for supper were just leaving.  Harry rushed to greet Sirius and Remus when he saw them in the kitchen.  

"Remus!  I thought you weren't coming till tomorrow!" Harry exclaimed.

"Well, I had a pretty restful day today and thought I'd come a day early.  You seemed to have had a fun day, _Chad_."  Remus winked at him.

"Oh, right.  Where is Professor Dumbledore?  He needs to take the charms off."

"Right here, Mr. Potter.  Would you care to join the rest of us in the Drawing Room again?" Dumbledore said.

"Of course, sir."  Harry rushed in to where the others were already waiting.  He was a little embarrassed that he hadn't noticed he was supposed to go there right away.  He was too distracted by his excitement at seeing his godfather and Remus again.

When the charm was removed, Harry was a bit disappointed to see the famous scar standing out like a beacon to the world on top of his pale skin again.  However, he reminded himself that it was a symbol of his mother's love, and he knew he'd never rid himself of it given the choice.  So, once again looking like his father with hints of his mother thrown in, Harry made his way back to the two men in the kitchen.

"Padfoot, Moony, I heard everything went well last night?" it was a question of confirmation that they weren't hurt.

Remus held up his left arm, where a partially healed scratch was, and smiled, "This is all that happened before the wolf was subdued by both potion and Padfoot."

"If you don't mind me asking – how does the potion work?  I mean, I know you keep your mind with it, but obviously some of the wolf comes through," Harry indicated the scratch.

"I don't mind you asking.  The potion seems to kick in just after I transform, but for a few seconds after the transformation it's still a slight battle for control.  After last month when Padfoot wasn't there, the wolf was very angry… you know what happened then.  The wolf didn't realize that Padfoot was there again right away last night, he was still angry from before.  Padfoot took care of him quickly though, and we had a thankfully uneventful night."

"I'm glad.  I was a little worried.  Oh, I got you something when we were out today!  I'll be right back."

Harry ran upstairs where his packages lay in his room and found the small statue of two wolves in a gift bag and rushed back downstairs.

"I wanted to thank you for letting me stay at your house.  I saw this and it just fit.  I really hope it doesn't offend you, I don't mean it to… if you don't like it, I'm sure I can take it back, or you can throw it out and I can get you something different or –" he was cut off by Sirius.

"Can he see it before you take it away and exchange it for something else?" he asked with a smirk.

"Oh, sorry.  Here," Harry sat down and looked at his hands shyly.  He still wasn't really comfortable with giving gifts, especially to people of which he thought highly.  He was so afraid that Remus would get the wrong idea and think he was mocking him that he didn't notice said werewolf trying to get his attention.

Finally coming out of his thoughts as two men knelt before him, he looked into each of their eyes and smiled, seeing the smiles the two marauding friends wore.

"Is – is it ok?" he asked like a small child needing reassurance.

"It's perfect, Harry.  Thank you very much.  I think I'll put it on the mantel, next to my Harry Potter doll," commented Remus before pulling him into a light hug, followed by Sirius.

Harry nodded, then re-ran what he just heard through his head again and said in a low defeated moan, "I'm a doll now?"

Sirius and Remus looked at each other and laughed.  Sirius choked out through gasps for breath, "Even has… removable… glasses.  Your face… so red… Weasley!"  He was laughing so hard he couldn't even form complete sentences, but Harry, and everyone else who had entered at the outburst of laughter, caught onto his meaning fairly easily.  Harry just buried his head in his hands and grumbled something about a future life as a cartoon.

Everyone was still relating their adventures of the day when supper was set out on the table.  They had an enjoyable meal, once everyone learned to avoid the mashed potatoes after three people's ears had turned green.  Mrs. Weasley glared at the twins, but surprisingly Ginny spoke up.

"Sorry, mum.  I hate mashed potatoes.  How many times do I have to ask for just _one _baked potato for me?  I even offered to make it!  Something had to be done about the injustice of it all."  She managed to say all of this very seriously, but broke out in laughter after Sirius, Remus, and the twins cracked.  Soon everyone was holding their sides in laughter, even Mrs. Weasley couldn't keep a grin off her face.  No one knew who started it (Harry suspected Mr. Weasley), but in the middle of all their laughing mashed potatoes started flying through the air and splattering on the dinner party.  Mrs. Weasley quickly put a stop to the food fight before too much mess was made and cleared everything away with a flick of her wand.

The twins were complaining about the abrupt end to the battle and Ron grumbled, "Yeah, well you guys were cheating anyway.  We're not allowed to use magic."  This only served to make everyone break out in laughter again.

It is a mortal sin to wrongfully touch Mrs. Weasley's oatmeal chocolate brownies, so the desserts were unaffected and safe to eat.  And boy did they eat!  Harry swore he must have had half a pan himself, even though his appetite still wasn't even close to rivaling Ron's.

After the food festivities, Harry and Ron spent the evening chatting with Sirius and Remus.  Harry was mostly quiet, just watching the others and laughing along at their jokes.  He couldn't believe how much Sirius, Remus, and the Weasleys meant to him.  He really didn't have any idea how much he was capable of caring for people until he'd started having his false visions of them tortured and dying.  Seeing each person he cared about die in front of him gave him a new appreciation for them, and also a new determination to fulfill the prophecy for the light.  He didn't know how in the world he would be able to do it, but he would someday.  He could never let these people suffer, not when he could prevent it.  He knew the others noticed how quiet he was, but he was glad they let him be for now.  This is what he needed, just to relax with friends and push all the worries away for a day.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: **if it was mine, I'd have a nice office chair to sit in while I type instead of this wooden kitchen chair.  Anyone know a good masseuse?  

**A/N:** This chapter is dedicated to HermioneGreen for being the only brave soul to review the last chapter.  I'm going to pretend that people just didn't notice I updated and haven't had a chance to read it, rather than think people read and didn't have the heart to update.  I know it was… well, crap, to put it mildly.  I hope this one is better, but I'm not sure it is… It's at least back on track with the story (yay angst!).  Oh, and Snape decided to come for a visit.  Wasn't that nice of him?  Er… ok, you can go read now.

One last thing, It's about 1am, much earlier than my normal bed time, but I'm unusually tired tonight and just finished typing.  I really want to post this, so I'm going to do the unthinkable and forego the editing… if there are huge glaring mistakes, please tell me.  I have been a little out of my mind while writing this.

**Chapter 9:  Aug. 4th**

Harry was too exhausted to write in his journal that night and fell asleep as his head hit the pillow.  Again, he dreamed flashes of photographs from each of his visions.  First, they went by slowly like some gory slide show for Death Eater training.  Gradually, they sped up and continued to go by again and again until Harry woke with a start.  His heart was pounding and he was breathing like he'd just run ten kilometers at a full sprint.

Sunlight filtered through the windows, so Harry decided to get up, even though Ron was still fast asleep in his bed, and Harry was sure it was early from the pink tinge to the light.  

Harry walked downstairs in his pajamas and robe, not expecting to meet anyone up this early in the morning.  When he walked into the kitchen, he had no idea why he had thought something so silly as a completely sleeping house existed, when that house just happened to be the headquarters for a group of people fighting for humanity.  Sitting at the kitchen table were Sirius and Remus having tea.  Harry briefly thought of leaving again, but they had already seen him and waved him over.  He sat down and accepted the cup offered.

"So, what's a sixteen year old boy doing up at six in the morning during summer holidays?" Remus asked while Sirius yawned.

"Too much in my head to think about.  Er, I mean, I just couldn't sleep."

"Yeah?  Well, care to share the thinking?   It tends to go easier with more heads to split the thoughts," said Sirius.  Harry and Remus snorted into their tea.

"Padfoot, old friend, I love your insight early in the morning," commented Remus.

"Quiet, Moony.  You know what I mean.  Harry, feel like talking about it?"

Harry thought about it and decided it couldn't hurt, since they already knew about the visions.  Besides, he couldn't help thinking he needed to figure something out about those images.  There was something there, some pattern he couldn't quite see.  He realized he hadn't answered the question yet and Sirius was looking a little apprehensive, probably thinking he'd said something wrong.

"Yeah, maybe you can help, but I don't know how.  I just saw images all night, like muggle photos from all my visions.  I think there's a pattern, or something I'm missing, but I don't know what it is.  I wish I could just open my head and you could look in.  Hey, is there a Penseive around here?"  Sirius shook his head 'no'.  Harry tiredly scrubbed his hands over his face and closed his eyes.  He saw the old muggle, Frank Bryce, killed by the creature that was Voldemort before his fourth year.  Harry's eyes shot open.  Curious and determined to figure this out, he closed his eyes again, and he was attacking Mr. Weasley as a snake outside the Department of Mysteries.  Then, he saw Sirius being tortured with the Cruciatus curse by Voldemort.  Next, he was watching with delight as the dementors kissed that family.  Harry opened his eyes before he would be sick again, and found the room spinning.  He was cold and clammy, and his limbs felt like they were made of jelly.  He was stopped from sliding onto the floor in a puddle by arms holding him up in the chair.

"Moony, what's happening to him?  He's not answering me, and he can't even hold himself up!" Sirius said in a harsh whisper.

"I don't know, Sirius.  Maybe you should lay him down," answered Remus.

Harry shook his head weakly as he regained control of his body.  "I'm ok.  Do we have any chocolate?  I – I had a little flashback to that one vision again, but when I opened my eyes it was like I was around the dementors or something.  I don't know, it was weird.  I think I was concentrating too hard… I saw flashes again of other visions too, like my dream last night, and…"  Harry thought about what he'd just seen and it started making sense.  "He doesn't know," he stated.

"Who doesn't know what, Harry?" asked Sirius, clearly getting frustrated, but trying to stay calm for his godson's sake.

"What?  Oh, Voldemort.  He doesn't know how I see him in the real visions.  I see everything through his eyes.  Ever since he got his body back, I went from outside observer to his mind and eyes.  Don't you see what this means?  I can tell the difference between real and false visions!  He always feeds me scenes where I watch him doing things, but when it's real and he's not controlling it, I see from his perspective.  I knew there was some patter to the pictures.  Why didn't I see this before?  What do you think caused the change in perspective?" Harry asked quietly.  "Do you think it's because he has my blood now?"

"I'm not sure about that," said Remus.  "But this is great, Harry.  This discovery should put your mind at ease if you have anymore of those visions.  You've been doing better with those, though, am I right?"

"Yeah, I've been trying really hard with Occlumency.  I think I'm getting better.  Maybe I should try to like to Professor Dumbledore or Snape about something," Harry joked.  "No, I'm not that good at it yet.  I wouldn't be surprised if I had more of his little Vodli-visions, but now I know the trick."  Harry hadn't felt this good discussing his visions, ever.

Harry took a thoughtful sip of tea and smiled at Sirius and Remus.  "Thanks, you guys.  I'm really glad we figured this out." 

"We?" exclaimed Sirius.  "You did all the figuring, we just listened and got you tea and chocolate."

"Thank you for that, then.  I'm not sure what happened.  I just felt like I actually was surrounded by dementors, but I was affected, whereas Voldemort was not.  Well, I just have an overactive imagination I suppose.  It's seven o'clock, the others should be getting up soon.  Ok, the other adults will, not Ron, Ginny, or the twins."  Harry smiled when they chuckled at his comment.  "So, breakfast?"

"Sure.  Then you can go back to bed and sleep till noon like a normal teen," Sirius smirked.

"I'm not normal, remember?  Now, let's get some food, I'm hungry."

"Padfoot, maybe you should make the juice," said Remus gently.

"Is that supposed to imply something about my cooking skills?" he retorted indignantly.

"Of course not.  I am merely commenting on your excellent juice skills."

Remus walked into the kitchen, while Sirius huffed and Harry tried not to laugh. _ How does he do that with a straight face? _Harry wondered.

The three had whipped up a rather large breakfast by the time Mr. and Mrs. Weasley came down and heard the noise of the three men cooking.

It must have been a strange scene to walk in on – Harry and Sirius on the floor laughing as Remus struggled to drink down a glass of juice without sputtering it up all over the kitchen.  When he saw the two red heads, he gave up and spit into the sink and washed his mouth out with water.  The calm and reserved werewolf then burst into laughter, joining the other two on the floor.

The parental Weasleys just shook their heads with smiles tugging on their lips.  Mrs. Weasley made the mistake of asking if breakfast was safe to eat, which sent the three on the floor into a new lever of hysterics.

Remus managed to control himself long enough to say, "All, but the juice."  They calmed down after about five minutes, but were still snickering into their eggs as they ate.

Apparently, Sirius had wanted to show Remus exactly how much skill he had with juice after making Remus promise to drink it.  He only promised when Sirius agreed to stay away from the rest of the food if he did so.

Harry politely greeted the Weasleys, "Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley," he said with a smile.

"Harry dear, how long have we known each other?" asked Mrs. Weasley.

"About five years…" Harry responded, a little puzzled at the question.

"And you are practically one of the family, correct?" said Mr. Weasley with a smile, obviously catching on to whatever Mrs. Weasley was getting at.

Harry looked at them a little afraid.  How was he supposed to answer that?  He'd never been part of a family, so how was he to know?  

Mrs. Weasley answered for him, "Of course you are.  You're like one of our children."

Harry blushed and looked down at his plate and muttered, "Thank you."

Mr. Weasley gently lifted his chin to look up at them both and continued.  "We were just wondering why you still address us so formally?   Don't you think it's appropriate for friends and family to be on a first name basis?"

"Um, sure, Mr… Arthur."  The man nodded with a smile, so Harry looked at Mrs. Weasley and said, "Thank you, Molly."  Harry felt a little awkward with the new labels, but knew he'd get used to it like he did calling Professor Lupin, Remus.

"So, what happened to the juice?" asked Arthur with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Imagine a dung bomb bottled in liquid form…" said Harry before he burst out laughing again, joined by Sirius and Remus.

Molly looked disgusted, "Remus, how can you laugh at that when you drank it?"

"Ah, it wasn't that bad compared to some of the stuff we came up with in school."

The morning seemed to set the tone for the rest of the day, in which Harry relaxed and had fun with his friends and godfather.  He was greatly enjoying his second fun, carefree day in a row as everyone chatted around a fire place later that evening.

It started as a prickling, itching sensation to accompany the ever present dull pain.  All of a sudden hot knives were gouging through his head as he crumpled to the floor holding his scar, hardly noticing the shouts of his name.

_The room was surprisingly bright, given the fact that it was only lit by the fire in the hearth.  He stood up from his high-backed chair and glared down at the man kneeling before him.  Normally, he would have made him kneel for a good twenty minutes before speaking, but he was anxious tonight._

_"Severus," he hissed, "I've had some rather disappointing news today.  Would you like to know what I found out?"_

_Snape hesitated for a moment, considering his answer and said, 'If it is your desire that I know, I am here to listen and serve, my Lord."_

_"Yes, of course.  I've learned that Potter is not at his relative's and hasn't been since the animagus was released.  Why, Severus, did you tell me he was back there when he clearly is not?" Without giving Snape a chance to respond, he yelled, "Crucio!"_

_A burning sensation shot throughout Harry's body, exploding in his scar.  After a few moments of shock and confusion, Harry realized he was also under the curse, but not nearly to the degree of the real thing.  Amazingly, Snape didn't yell out during the minutes of pain, but when he knelt again after it was lifted, there was blood running down his chin.  His entire frame was shaking slightly._

_"My Lord, I learned of this information, myself, just hours ago.  I tried to get more information about where he is currently staying before coming to you with an incomplete report.  That muggle-loving fool doesn't completely trust me.  He told me he had sent Potter back to his relatives after that mutt's release.  I will find out where the brat is staying, my Lord."_

_"It is obvious that he is staying with Black, who is likely with the werewolf.  That half-breed keeps his place almost as well hidden as Potter's muggle relative's.  You will find it and lead a team."_

_"Yes, my Lord."_

_"Good.  I have another quandary, Severus," he flicked his wand and a gash appeared in Snape's upper right arm.  Harry gasped in pain.  "I am beginning to suspect that Potter is learning Occlumency.  Yesterday, I felt the connection blocked, and this is not the first time I have felt such a thing.  What is your opinion, Severus?"  More pain in his chest, where Snape had received another large gash._

_"It appears that Dumbledore may have some logic behind that beard after all.  It makes sense that he would train the boy to try and block your connection, my Lord."_

_Voldemort considered his words briefly and whispered, "Crucio."  The effects of the curse were not lessened by the softness of his voice.  Again, Harry felt the curse, this time a little stronger, but still not the full strength that Snape was feeling.  After it ended, Voldemort spoke in a conversational tone.  "Thank you for your input, Severus," another cut on his thigh.  "You will find the werewolf's den and lead a team.  Do not fail," he repeated Snape's task.  "Now, take this portkey.  It will deliver you to the forbidden forest; you are in no condition to apparate, my loyal potions master."_

_"Thank you, my Lord," replied Snape as he took the portkey and vanished._

_Harry thought the vision would end, because most visions weren't any longer than this one had been, but he was wrong.  Voldemort called in Lucius Malfoy after Snape was gone, and spoke to him in a quiet but deadly voice._

_"Lucius, I would like as many different samples of truth serums as possible in one week.  Have some made by Severus, and some made by others.  I will have questions for our potions master if he cannot locate that half-breed's house."_

_"Yes, my Lord.  Would you like me to help him in his search?" asked Malfoy tentatively._

_"No, Lucius.  This will also serve as a test.  Avery came to me with concerns for which side our little spy is truly playing."_

_"My Lord, if I may ask, why did not you kill him if there is any doubt to his loyalties?"_

_"Crucio!" Voldemort said quietly with force.  He only held it for a few seconds, however.  Again Harry felt it, but it was nothing compared to his heart hammering in his chest – they suspected Snape!  "Your questioning was out of line, my loyal servant.  However, I will answer as it also concerns you.  I did not kill him out right, because Avery has an uncanny sense of discovering everyone to be a traitor.  You are no exception.  In other words, he has pointed fingers one too many times in the past for me to fully rely on his suspicions.  I solved this problem by ridding him of his fingers already.  If Severus is the competent follower he was those many years ago, he will find the wolf's den within a week's time.  It is so difficult to find competent help these days, I will not waste a potions master on a baseless charge from a useless oaf like Avery.  You will be a part of the team to the wolf's den.  Look around to make sure it is really his home and not a decoy.  Now, Lucius, how are things out of Azkaban?"_

Harry was drifting in a blackness, then abruptly opened his eyes and vomited on the floor beside him.  His scar still burned, but the pain had dulled, and Harry could make out concerned faces all around him.

"Are you alright, Harry?" asked Sirius while propping him up.

"Snape," Harry choked out.

"What about him?  What did he do?" someone asked behind him.

Remus handed Harry a glass of water, and after a drink Harry continued.  "Someone has to help him.  He's in the Forbidden Forest.  Voldemort sent him there with a portkey.  He's hurt really bad.  I think he lost a lot of blood, but I'm not sure.  I-I don't think he'll make it to the castle, he could barely stand or kneel.  Please, someone get him!  And I need to talk to him…"

Remus and Sirius volunteered to go, while Mrs. Weasley made sure Harry stayed on the couch and didn't move.  He had too much on his mind to protest.  

About an hour later Sirius, Remus, Dumbledore, and a somewhat shaky and very pale Snap entered.  Harry immediately stood and offered Snape his seat.  Harry forced his limbs not to falter.  Grudgingly, Snape took the offered seat, with a little encouragement from Dumbledore.   Snape's gashes had been healed and he looked a bit better than he did leaving Voldemort's room.

"Well, Potter?  You needed to speak with me?" Snape growled.

Harry swallowed hard, "Yes, sir.  Professor Dumbledore, this is, er, important.  I think Sirius and Remus need to stay and listen."  Harry was hoping the Headmaster would realize that Harry really meant that he didn't want the other's in the room to hear everything right now.

"I understand, Harry.  I will have to ask the rest of you to leave the room."

They left after a few minutes of protests and the remainder of the room's occupants looked expectantly at Harry.

"Er, I don't know where to begin.  Professor Snape, did you tell them what your meeting was about?"

"Yes, they know I'm to find Lupin's house.  We've already come up with a lie for why I couldn't for the next time I'm called."

"No!  Wait… Ok, after you left, Vol – er, You-Know-Who," Harry remembered Snape's aversion to naming the Dark Lord.  "Had a meeting with Lucius Malfoy," the others had drawn faces at this.  "Oh, right, he's out of prison now, I guess.  Anyway, he suspects you."  Snape paled even more, something Harry thought impossible.  "He told Malfoy to find all kinds of truth serums if you don't have the location within a week.  Apparently, Avery has been naming lots of traitors, which is why you're alive."  Everyone but Snape looked confused now.  "You-Know-Who doesn't really trust Avery, because of all his finger-pointing."  Harry shivered.  "He said he cut of his fingers to solve the problem…  Er, he also said that Professor Snape is too valuable to throw away on Avery's word alone.  So, this little project is more of a loyalty test than anything.  If you don't deliver, they'll give you truth serums until you do."  Harry was speaking very quietly by the end, and the room was absolutely silent.

"Well," Remus said," I guess you'll have to give him my house."

"Don't be ridiculous, Lupin.  I'll point him to a shack somewhere," said Snape.

"Sir, I don't think that will work.  They are going to search the house to make sure it's Remus's.  We have to… I don't know.  Damn it!  This is all my fault," Harry said quietly into his hands.

"No, Harry, it's not your fault.  It's Voldemort's and his followers," said Sirius.

"You should just turn me over to him, Professor," Harry sighed.  "Oh be quiet, Sirius.  I know that wouldn't stop him.  If it would, I'd have done it a long time ago… Anyway, could I talk to Professor Snape alone for a minute, please?"  Harry was asking Snape's permission as much as asking the others to leave the room.

Sirius started to protest this request until Remus and Dumbledore led him out with reassurances that everything would be fine for ten minutes without him.

When they left the room, Harry started pacing and Snape looked bored, but Harry could see curiosity in his eyes.  Harry berated himself for pacing and sat on a chair opposite the couch.  Snape merely raised an eyebrow at him.

"Sir, I need to tell you something, and I just want you to listen until I'm done.  I'm not asking you to accept it, just to listen.  I don't want one of us to die before I could say it."  Harry paused, and Snape nodded without comment.  Harry wasn't sure if he was relieved about that or not and decided just to continue, since he'd already started.  "Ok, here it goes.  Professor, I want to apologize for going into your memories in the Penseive.  I thought you knew something about what was in the Department of Mysteries.  I didn't even think about it, obviously.  I was so curious about that stupid room at the Ministry that I didn't even consider the fact that it could be a painful memory for you.  Anyway, that's not meant to be an excuse, just the reason for why I did it.  There is no excuse for my behavior.  I-I couldn't believe what I saw.  I never knew my father was a jerk.  All anyone told me were good things, except you, and I thought you were just biased against him or something.  Then I saw what he did… before Hogwarts I was always on the other end, getting chased by my cousin's gang and, well, you saw.  Anyway, I just wanted to apologize for my behavior, and if I could, his before.  Also, I never told anyone about it, not even Ron and Hermione.  I did yell at Sirius for his part, and Remus for not stopping them, but that's all.  I can't believe they were so awful… but I have to, because the only other memory of my father I have is when he died and…"  Harry shook himself slightly, "Er, I'll stop bothering you now  you can rest in here as long as you need, I'll make sure no one bothers you, sir."  Harry was talked very quickly, and when he stopped, he wasn't sure if he should wait for a reply or not.  As soon as he got up, Snape spoke.

"Potter, neither your father, nor Black would have apologized for any of their actions.  That you did shows your character."  As Harry tried to figure out if that meant he accepted his apology or not, he noticed his hands were trembling.  "Does it make you that nervous to be alone with me, Potter?" Snape asked indicating the shaking hands.

"No, sir."  Harry tried to force his hands to stop shaking by crossing his arms.

"Potter, look over here," Snape demanded.  He loomed in closer to Harry's face, looking into Harry's eyes.  "If I didn't know better, I would guess that you've suffered the Cruciatus curse recently."

Harry paled, "Oh, I-I forgot to mention part of my vision… I, er, sort of felt the curse when you did and Malfoy did… It wasn't full strength or anything, but it definitely wasn't pleasant.  Did I imagine it, or what's going on?"  

"Potter, how did you manage to forget about feeling the Cruciatus curse?" Snape asked, clearly annoyed at the boy.

"Well, I was a little more worried about you dying in the Forbidden Forest or being discovered a spy at the time than a little pain!"  Harry nearly shouted.

Snape appeared shocked at Harry's pronouncement, then shook himself.  "Potter, we should discuss this with the Headmaster."  Snape started to stand, but Harry indicated for him to sit back down.

"Yes, sir, I'll go find him."  Harry left the room, consciously trying to keep his hands from shaking, along with the rest of his limbs.  Now that he was moving around and thinking about it, Harry couldn't believe he'd forgotten the curse; his muscles ached terribly.

Harry found Professor Dumbledore in the kitchen with everyone else.  They were having snacks before going to bed.  Harry didn't realize how late it was until he saw the tired faces around him and looked at the clock.  It was past midnight already.

"Professor Dumbledore, we need to talk to you again," Harry said nervously.  He mentally kicked himself for being nervous in front of people he knew and cared about. 

"Of course, Harry.  Would you like anyone to join us?" the Headmaster asked.

"Er, I don't' know.  I didn't ask if others could come…" Harry said, avoiding the eyes of his friends.

Sirius and Remus stood up to come along and Dumbledore nodded.  

The four made their way back to the room where Snape waited.  Harry found the stairs surprisingly challenging for his exhausted muscles.  He didn't understand why it ached so much now, when the curse wasn't' even full strength.  Granted it was painful, but he thought that should have passed when it was lifted.  He stayed behind the others so they wouldn't notice his pained movements.

Upon entering the room, Harry was directed to sit across from Snape again, who was looking intently at his eyes once more.

"Drink this," Snape commanded, holding out a vial.

"What is it?" Harry asked suspiciously.

"A slow acting poison resulting in a massively painful death.  What do you think it is, Potter?  It's a muscle relaxant and general restorative.  Am I correct in assuming your trip to retrieve the Headmaster was more difficult that it should have been?" Harry only nodded and drank the potion.  After a few minutes Harry sighed in relief as he felt all the newly formed knots relax and any lingering pain drift away, except for the pain in his scar; that dull ache never completely left.

"Why did Harry need that potion?" asked Sirius.

Snape sneered at him and spoke to Dumbledore.  "I have heard rumors among the Death Eaters that the Dark Lord planned on strengthening the connection between himself and Potter."  Snape paused and Dumbledore nodded, obviously having heard his before.  It made Harry angry that they'd known this and not told him.  "Apparently, he has been successful.  Care to explain, Potter?" Snape sounded angry, but somehow Harry didn't think it was directed at him.

"In the vision just now with Professor Snape, I could feel some of the Cruciatus Curse he suffered.  It wasn't as bad as the real thing, but I still felt it."

Shocked expressions seemed to be popular around Harry that day.  The best hidden, of course, was Dumbledore's.

"Are you alright?" asked Sirius quietly.

"Ugh, it seems like that's all I hear from people anymore.  Yeah, like I said, it wasn't as bad as the real thing," said Harry, hoping to reassure his worried godfather.   It didn't work.

"Harry, no one should know what the real thing, as you put it, feels like.  Least of all someone as young as you.  How can I protect you from visions?"  The last part was so quiet Harry almost missed it, but he didn't and it made him angry.

"I don't need protecting, Sirius!  I'm not a child, and protection only gets people killed."  _Damn, didn't meant to say that out loud, _Harry mused.

"Harry –" Sirius began, but was cut off by Harry.

"Stop.  I didn't mean to say that, and I know what you're going to say.  I just – I'm used to taking care of myself, ok?  And you all talk like I don't know what being in danger is like.  Well, you can't protect me from it.  I've already seen it, lived it, I know exactly how it feels to have someone try and kill me and those around me.  The second part is much worse than the first," Harry hoped they would understand.

"Then you should know how we feel when we see you in danger, Harry.  We care about you, a lot.  You're the one close to us, whose life is in danger.  Do you understand where we're coming from?  I know you haven't had much in the way of supportive adults in your life, but please try to accept us now."  Remus had held eye contact with Harry all through his little speech, and Harry couldn't help but listen to him and try to understand what he said.  Then a thought occurred to him.

"It's not the same for me.  I was born to kill or die, none of you were.  I'm a weapon, nothing more.  Now, if that's all for tonight, I'd like to go to bed.  Excuse me."  Harry left the four men in silence before they could say anything and went straight to his room.  Ron, Ginny, and the twins were there waiting up for him.

"Hey, mate, what was all that about?" asked Ron.

"Nothing.  I don't want to talk about it," the last thing he needed was more people worrying about him for, yet, another reason.  Before Ron had time to argue, there was a knock at the door, and Sirius poked his head in.

"Harry, we have to ask you one more question.  You don't have to come back with me if you just want to answer here."  He was quite obviously trying not to upset Harry again.

Harry noticed and felt bad for making Sirius feel unwelcome around him, as indicated by his posture behind the door.

"Come in, Sirius.  What do you need to know?" Harry asked calmly.

"We just wanted to know if anything unusual has happened recently, besides the return of your supposedly dead godfather?"  The last part was rushed out before Harry could make any sarcastic comments.  "Think about it, have you had any potions or been hit with spells or anything out of the ordinary?"

"Yes, I regularly accept potions off the street from strangers," Harry answered with sarcasm to impress Snape.  Harry thought about it and suddenly that day in Diagon Alley came back to him.  "Well," he began again more serious and quietly, "I remember wondering if I was hit with some sort of spell in Diagon alley the other day.  My chest got really warm, then my whole both, then it just went away." 

Everyone in the room was looking at him with wide eyes.  Finally Sirius asked, "And you didn't tell anyone?  Why didn't you say anything?"

"Well, I was a little out of it that day, if you didn't notice.  I thought I was imagining things.  I hadn't spent much time in the sun this summer before that either, and thought I might have just walked out of the shade or something.  It was right before we walked into Fred and George's shop.  After… after that I just forgot about it."  Harry had finished quietly, remembering the flashback with embarrassment.

Sirius looked at him with sympathy.  "I'm sorry kiddo, I know things have been rough.  We'll figure this out, ok?  Snape said he'd try to figure out a potion to block the pain.  When we found him, he had some huge gashes.  He said Voldemort enjoyed some sick game of using a severing charm to cut him when he said his name sometimes.  D-did you feel that too?" Sirius asked quietly.

Harry blinked and nodded.  He'd forgotten about those.  Instinctively, he pulled down the collar of his shirt some and looked at his right shoulder, half-expecting to see a wound like Snape's there.  He was surprised to see nothing, but it felt like a sharp bruise when he touched it, and he winced.

"There's nothing there, but it still feels like there is…"

"Will you come back with me so Snape can have a look at it.  It might help for the potion he needs to make."

"Alright.  I'll see you guys later.  You can go to bed.  I'll tell you everything in the morning.  When I come back, I'll be too tired to talk anymore tonight.  Ok?"  He knew he sounded like a prat, but he really didn't want to have this talk a second time in one night.  He also knew that they'd heard what he and Sirius had said, so their curiosity would be even greater than before.  He just hoped they would be willing to wait for the next day.

Back in the room with Snape, Remus, and Dumbledore, he sat down for the third time that night across from Snape.

"I may have been hit by a spell in Diagon Alley.  If you want to know anymore about that, ask Sirius.  I'm not up to repeating it tonight.  Professor Snape, Sirius said you're going to try making a potion and that I should tell you that it hurts in the places where you were cut with the severing charm.  There's nothing there, no cuts or bruises, but it hurts like there is.  Whatever it is, the potion didn't get rid of it."

Snape thought for a few minutes, then said, "Take off your shirt, Potter."

Panic seized Harry as he asked, "Why?"

"So I can apply a salve that should help with the pain," Snape sneered.

"Can't I do it?" asked Harry defiantly.

Snape sighed, "Fine, Potter.  But do it quickly, come back, and tell me if it reduces the pain or not."  He handed Harry a small jar of cream.

Harry went in the next room and applied the lotion to his _not _bruised skin.  His heart was still pounding from fear that Snape was going to make him take off his shirt in front of everyone.  He didn't want anymore people to know that he had cut himself… multiple times.  Sirius and Remus already knew, but as far as Harry knew, Snape and Dumbledore didn't, and he wanted to keep it that way.  Once Harry was finished rubbing the lotion into his thigh, he redressed and opened the door to the other room again.  

Tentatively, he pressed on his shoulder.  He didn't feel anything.

"It's numb," Harry reported.

"Good.  It numbs first, then slowly brings feeling back without the pain," explained Snape.

Harry turned to leave, when a hand on the shoulder stopped him.  _What now?!_

"Harry, would you like to talk about anything?" asked Dumbledore.

"No.  We've talked all night.  I'd like to go to bed, if that's ok.  I'm tired."  Harry thought he knew what this was about, but didn't want to have anymore talks.

"Harry, you're not a weapon."  Harry squeezed his eyes shut.  This wasn't the time for this.  "You are so much more to everyone around you.  Please, talk to us," Remus requested quietly.

Harry was so exhausted by this time that the floor looked rather inviting to curl up on.  He scrubbed his face tiredly with his hands and said softly, not turning to the silent men in the room, "I'm sorry I said that.  I really don't want to talk about this right now.  I'm either going to fall asleep here on the floor, or in my bed.  Thank you for coming professors.  I hope I was helpful.  Goodnight."

This time no one stopped him when he left.  He went to the bathroom and got ready for bed.  For some reason that last conversation, which really wasn't a conversation, had bothered him more than everything else that night.  He felt the familiar urge to pierce his skin; to feel the comforting pain that he alone controlled.  He had gotten as far as finding a blade from a razor before he realized what he was doing.  Holding back tears, he dropped it back into the drawer he'd found it and held his head in his hands.  _What am I doing?  _He calmed himself as best he could.  He knew if he went to sleep in this state of mind, he'd have worse nightmares than usual.  He concentrated on his breathing.  Deeply in, and slowly out.  He'd caught a glimpse of it on a television show once at the Dursley's.  The person said it was supposed to calm the person.  He didn't know if that was true, but it seemed to work for him, so he kept doing it until he was sufficiently back together to go to bed.

Thankfully, the other Weasley's had listened to him and gone to bed before he'd returned.  Ron was still awake, but he was the only one in the room.

"Hi, Harry," he said cautiously.  "If you ever want to talk about anything, you know I'm here, right?"

Harry smiled at him.  "Thanks, Ron.  I know you are.  I'm ok, just extremely tired.  I'll tell you what happened tomorrow, ok?"

"Sure.  Goodnight, Harry."

"'Night, Ron."

Harry had really wanted to write in his journal, but being as tired as he was, it was lucky he even changed his cloths before slipping into bed.

******************************************************************************

**A/N:** Hi again.  I just wanted to make a last pathetic plea for reviews… It's the last week of school this week, then a week of finals (ick!), so I don't know when the next update will be.  Possibly before Christmas, but maybe after.  I really can't say.  Do you think Death Eaters came up with finals?  Just curious. :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything related to Harry Potter, other than a set of battered books.  I just like to torture the poor characters… I really do feel sorry for them, but I don't think I'm as mean as some other authors I've read.  :) 

**A/N: **Ok, so this chapter took a while and got a little out of control… Not my fault.  More things kept wanting to pop in.  Actually, I had to cut this in half from what it was planned to be, because this part got a little too long, and I am slow at typing and editing.  I'm not sure if I really edited all of it either.  I kept doing chunks.  Not in order, mind you, just randomly.  So, some chunks got edited multiple times, while others may have been ignored.  Sorry if there's lots of badness.  :)  My fingers tend to type what they want, not necessarily what I want.  Such as, "that" instead of "than" or "don't" instead of "done."  Things like that are common, as you've probably noticed from previous chapters.  I'm rambling, sorry.

I wanted to respond to some reviewers, but I think I'm just going to post, since it's been about a month or so…

**Chapter 10: August 5th – 9th**

Harry may have fallen asleep instantly that night, but his sleep was restless.  He would sleep about an hour at a time, then wake up for a few minutes.  This cycle lasted until he could see the gray shades of the room lightening somewhat.  He was dead tired, but knew he really wasn't getting any sleep, so he decided to write in his journal.

_Hi again, Journal.  Guess what – I have a new fun way for Voldemort to hurt me.  He curses people while I have visions, and I get to feel it too!  Happy happy, joy joy.  In case you couldn't tell, I'm being slightly sarcastic.  Great, now I'm talking, no writing to a Journal like it's a person.  I'm getting off track.  So, I get to feel everything he does in my visions.  I wonder if this is because he's bad that I can block him out.  Does he know I can feel everything?  Or did he just want the connection stronger so I would see more? I'm not sure.  I know I can still block him, somewhat, because I did on the train two days ago, and that was after I was hit with a spell in Diagon Alley.  I'm fairly sure that's what has cause this change.  Of course, I was too oblivious to realize the spell for what it was.  Even when I'm not being a complete idiot about things, I'm still worthless.  Why didn't I stop and tell someone what I felt?  How did I just blow it off as nothing?  I don't know, Journal.  Maybe I should give you a name.  It feels odd addressing a Journal…  Oh well, I'll think about it later.  I just want to know how I'm supposed to stop Voldemort when I didn't even notice getting hit by whatever it was. _

_I feel horrible about Sirius and Remus.  I said some things earlier about being a weapon.  I think I really hurt them.  But it's true isn't it?  That's what I am.  It's better to be clear on that now and let them get over their attachment, than for them to suffer later.  And it's better for me to accept it and stop pretending to be like everyone else.  I should tell Ron and Hermione about the prophecy.  I hope they can just leave me be and not try to stay close.  I don't want them to get hurt.  Well, it's too late for that, they were already hurt _that night,_ but I don't want them killed.  I'm the only one who needs to die.  No, Journal, I didn't mean it like that; I was referring to the prophecy. _

_I don't' really want to die, I don't think.  I have Sirius back now.  But a few days ago my answer may have been different, I really can't say.  But none of that matters, now.  I can't change what's happened, and little of what's going to happen, so I just need to get over everything else in my life and concentrate on killing Voldemort.  Fairly easy on parchment, but how do I get the random thoughts and memories out of my head?  Perhaps a drill? I could get one from a competing company of Grunnings'.  Oh, come on, Journal, you need a better sense of humor.  Or maybe I need to realize that you're an inanimate object with no senses.  Ugh, I'm getting up now  I think it's around 5:30 by now.  Bye, Journal.  ~Harry Aug. 5th _

He put away the journal and left the room.  After a quick stop in the bathroom, where he diligently ignored the drawer containing razors, he proceeded down to the kitchen.  Snape was at the table reading what looked like a magazine.  Harry was about to leave, but like yesterday, he was noticed in the doorway.  Snape didn't say anything, just nodded his head so slightly Harry thought he was imagining it, and went back to his reading.  Harry retrieved himself a glass of water, gulped it down, then filled it again.  He was about to leave when Snape mortioned for him to sit.  He sat across from the potions master. 

"Did you have another vision?" Snape asked in a 'I-couldn't-care-less' tone.  It wasn't what Harry was expecting.  Well, he wasn't expecting any conversation at this time in the morning, really.  Harry shook his head 'no.'  Snape raised an eyebrow.

"Then to what do I owe the pleasure of your company at this hour?" he asked sarcastically.

Harry tried to ignore the sarcasm and answered, "I just couldn't sleep."

"Oh?  Why didn't you get a sleeping potion?"  There was curiosity hidden in his snarky voice.

"I didn't really think about it, but I wouldn't have bothered someone to get one.  I can deal with not sleeping.  It's not like it never happens."  _Did I just say that?_  "I-I didn't mean it like that… nevermind.  Why are you up?" Harry asked trying to change the subject.

If Snape noticed the blatant subject change, he didn't acknowledge it.  "Someone is always up at headquarters in case of emergencies.  Last night was Mrs. Weasley's turn, but I had much to think about so I volunteered."  Harry knew that excuse, 'too much to think about.'  He wondered if it meant the same thing for Snape.  Did he have nightmares too?  What a strange thought.  It was hard enough for Harry to think of the man as someone who actually slept, much less dreamt in any way.

"Oh.  That's good to know," Harry responded, his mind someplace else.

"Indeed.  Here, Potter, drink a cup of tea and go back to bed."  Snape set down a cup in front of Harry.  He hadn't even noticed his professor getting up.  _Must be more tired than I thought._

Harry sipped the tea and was surprised by the apple cinnamon flavor.  He thanked the professor and gulped down the tea once it was cool enough not to scorch his mouth.  He was getting very sleepy by this point and excused himself to stumble back to bed.  If Snape had said anything to him in the past few minutes, he didn't know.  All he cared about was getting under the warm covers of the soft bed.  His last though before completely passing out was, _So much better than the Dursleys'._

He woke sometime later to giggling in the room.  He turned his head and squinted blearily at two blobs next to his bed.  One of them handed him his glasses.

"Hermione?  Ginny?  What are you two up to?" Harry asked.

"We're here to get you out of bed so you can have some supper," said Hermione in her 'it's-not-an-option' voice.

"I thought you were with your parents?"

"I was, but there is a huge dentist convention going on, so they let me come here.  Now, get up, we'll see you downstairs."

Harry nodded and groggily rolled himself out of bed.  Not until he reached the bathroom did the word 'supper' register in his mind.  He looked out a window and saw the sun setting.  _Did I sleep all day?  Snape!  What was in that tea?!_

He showered and got dressed in his ragged clothes quickly, then made his way down for breakfast, no supper, he corrected himself.

Harry walked in the kitchen looking down with a small, shy smile.  "Good, er, evening everyone," he said when all eyes turned on him.  He quickly sat down and gulped down a glass of water.  He turned to Remus on his left and asked quietly, "What did Snape give me anyway?"

Remus smiled, "He said you were worn out, so he gave you a small dose of a mild sleeping potion.  The amount he gave you should have only relaxed you if you had any energy.  He told us not to wake you unless you slept until supper; you need to eat after all.  Do you feel more rested now?"

"I feel like a lazy prat!  I can't believe I accepted tea from Snape.  I must really have been out of it.  It's odd though…" Harry trailed off.

"What is?" Remus asked.  Harry noticed that Sirius was listening as well.

"Well, two days in a row I've had civil conversations with Professor Snape.  Do you think the world's coming to an end?" Harry joked.

"Hmm… that could be.  After all, a Potter apologizing to a Snape doesn't happen often either."  Harry raised his eyebrows in question.  "Yes, he told Sirius and I about that.  In fact, he seemed shocked that neither we nor Dumbledore had told you to do it.  He asked me to inform you that your lessons will begin again in the next week."

Harry paled, "But we're not even at school yet!" he exclaimed.  This got a few people's attentions, so he tried to quiet down a bit.  "Besides, I can block out he unreal stuff, and I know the difference in case I can't for some reason."

"I know that, Harry, but it's different now.  We need to see if there's a way to shut out the curses," said Sirius.

"Great, now Sirius is against me too," Harry mumbled.

"Hey, I'm not against you, neither is Moony, Dumbledore, or even Snape.  He's a git, but if anyone can help it'll be him.  Damn, there goes my life-long goal of never complimenting the man."

Harry sighed, completely ignoring his godfather's joke, "I know it's all for my own good and that stuff, but I just hate the thought of him seeing my memories, you know?"

"Yeah, I know.  I wish I had learned Legilimency and Occlumency better, then I could teach you.  But I never had much use for it.  I wasn't a spy and didn't have much to hide."

"No offense, Sirius, but I wouldn't want you seeing my memories either."  
            "Why?  What happened?" Sirius asked anxiously.

"Settle down, Padfoot.  All I meant was anyone browsing through your very personal, sometimes embarrassing thoughts is very disturbing."

"Oh, right," replied Sirius looking a little embarrassed for jumping to conclusions.  The rest of the meal was quieter for Harry.  He mostly just watched the others at the table interact and got lost in his thoughts.

Harry felt a little better knowing that Sirius wouldn't pry into his past at the moment.  He was sure Sirius knew about his school years, but not many knew about his life with the Dursleys.  Sure, everyone knew he didn't get along with them and that they didn't like him because of magic, but no one really knew to what extent they had affected him.  No one knew about the occasional slaps, stranglings, or being tossed out of rooms – not to mention the starvation rations he received on top of endless chores.  

Harry knew it was never very bad – no broken bones and the bruises healed quickly – so he didn't complain.  He'd heard of children who received much worse, and he was sure it would have been so for him at an orphanage if his aunt and uncle hadn't taken him in.  However, the main reason he didn't talk to anyone about it was because he wasn't sure he didn't deserve everything he received.  

After all, by the time he knew Ron and Hermione well enough to feel comfortable talking about it, he'd almost gotten them killed protecting the Philosopher's [Sorcerer's] Stone.  He felt terrible after that had happened.  He certainly didn't like how he was treated by his relatives after his first year, but he figured it was what he should get for putting his friends in danger.  

Now, it seemed that he wouldn't have to go back to the Dursleys, even though they weren't horrible anymore.  They hadn't done anything to him all summer.  Was that why he started hurting himself?  Merlin knows he felt like he should have received _some_ punishment for everything that happened at the end of fifth year.  He felt that he truly deserved the small hurts that he was usually given by his aunt and uncle.  Harry thought that these feelings may have also contributed to why he took Umbridge's detentions the previous year without comment.  

Now everything had changed.  No one was hurting him anymore, other than Voldemort, but that was different somehow.  He knew it wasn't normal to feel the need to be punished, but he did, and the only way he knew to deal with it, on top of everything else, was to punish himself.  But that was changing.  Slowly, but steadily, he was beginning to realize that it wasn't ok for his aunt to ignore him.  It wasn't ok for his uncle to lock him in a tiny, dark cupboard for weeks on end.  It just wasn't ok for him to be treated that way when he had done nothing wrong.  These realizations were just beginning to take hold in his mind, helped along by the kind words and actions of Sirius, Remus, and his friends.  

Everyone started leaving the table, and Harry noticed that the evening meal was already over.  He hope nobody wondered why he hadn't said anything while he stewed over his problems.  After that thought, Harry felt very self-centered and decided to make conversation with his friends until bedtime.

_Harry sat in an office.  It had a familiar quality, though Harry knew he'd never been there before.  There was a plaque on the desk which read, "Dr. Samuel Stevens."  The couch he sat on was comfortable and a bit out of date with its brown fake-leather covering.  He didn't know why he was there or how he'd arrived in this place.  He decided just to sit and wait for something to happen.  He noticed many certificates of various kinds on the walls, but he didn't pay too much attention to them.  There was a coffee cup with a smiley face on it sitting on the desk.  The face had red eyes and a blue mouth.  Harry thought that this seemed backward, but didn't think on it too long.  Other than these few things, the office was wholly unremarkable.  _

_The door opened and a man came in with Remus behind him.  Harry smiled up at them, wondering what was going on. _

_"Harry, this is Dr. Stevens.  He's going to ask you a few questions today like we talked about," Remus explained.  Harry didn't remember having any such discussion. _

_"Hello, Harry, how are you doing today?" asked the man._

_"Fine, sir.  What did you want to ask me about?" Harry asked._

_The doctor smiled like one would at an over-eager child.  "Ah, straight to the point, aren't you?  Well, I'd like to talk to you about your godfather.  Would you like to tell me about him?"_

_Harry was startled before he remembered that Sirius had been freed.  He didn't really know where to start, though.  "Well, Sirius is like family to me.  He's always there for me when I need him, and he cares what actually happens to me, not just my title."  The doctor took a drink of his coffee as he jotted down some notes.  "He was best friends with my parents when they were alive, and still is with Remus.  He likes to goof off a bit, but I think all the time he spent in prison made him lose a bit of his mischief.  Er, what else do you want to know?"_

_The doctor finished writing a few more notes and asked, "Harry, do you remember what happened in June?"_

_Harry looked down and spoke in a whisper.  "Yes.  I was tricked by Voldemort and almost got my friends killed.  We thought Sirius had died, but he didn't.  Somehow, he didn't really go through the veil.  It was… horrible and all my fault."_

_Taking another drink of his coffee, the doctor spoke again.  "Yes, Harry, it was your fault.  You endangered many people that night.  But you must understand that Sirius Black died that night.  He went through the veil.  You have to start accepting that he's gone.  That is what we will be working on from now on, alright Harry?  I know how difficult this must be for you, but you must realize that your godfather is gone.  Many more of your friends and family could suffer the same fate just by knowing you.  You have so much pressure on yourself, but you must learn to control your feelings.  I think that is enough for today.  I know it was a short meeting, but it was just to get started.  You will come back here three times a week until we've made some progress.  Will you try, Harry?"_

_Harry sat in shock at hearing all of this.  Sirius was alive.  Harry knew it.  What was happening?  Harry looked at the man's face, but just as the room had no remarkable features, the man's face was completely forgettable.  There were no distinguishing qualities about it whatsoever.  Harry began to shake.  Something didn't feel right here. _

_"This is wrong.  I don't know what's going on here, but this is wrong.  I know Sirius is alive.  Why are you doing this?  Remus? Why don't you believe me?  You've seen him.  You know he's back!"  Harry was hyperventilating and the office disappeared into blackness.  _

He sat up in bed, covered in sweat and breathing hard.  He looked around and realized he was in Grimmauld Place.  He reasoned that must mean that Sirius really was alive, but he wasn't sure.  He made his way up to Sirius's room and peaked in on the sleeping man.  

Sirius lay there in pajama pants and sheets tangled about his feet.  He had no shirt on and the blankets appeared to have slid off the bed.  One arm was flung over his face, blocking the light from the sunrise coming in the window.  Overall, he looked very real to Harry.  The young wizard decided to go downstairs and see if anyone was talking about his godfather, just to make sure.  Then, he remembered his journal and read the entry he'd made stating that Sirius was alive and free, complete with a drop of blood for authenticity.  Harry trusted his words and blood and went downstairs for an early breakfast.

The next two nights followed the same theme, but got progressively worse.  In one dream Harry was restrained in St. Mungo's in a small room all by himself.  He learned a little of what happened by listening to the people working around him.  Apparently, he had gotten violent when the sessions continued with Dr. Stevens trying to convince Harry that Sirius was dead.  

The only window in the room was a tiny one in the door, which he had to stand on tip-toes to see through.  His friends came once, talking amongst themselves about how sad it was that he had finally cracked under the pressure, but it wasn't really unexpected.  He also heard people saying how ashamed his parents would be.  The only person who ever talked directly to him was Dr. Stevens.  Harry still had no idea what the exceedingly average man looked like, but he always carried a cup of coffee.  

Two nights of these dreams was enough to make Harry almost look forward to Occlumency lessons.  He hoped there would be a way to control these dreams as well as the visions.  He found that he was doubting himself more and more when no one else was around and when he was alone with Sirius.  Only when at least one other person was also talking to his godfather did he feel confident in this reality.  He didn't tell anyone about the dreams or his distrust of his own mind, because he didn't know what they would do.  Would they put him in St. Mungo's like in his dreams?  He didn't want to know, so he said nothing about it.  He just wrote in his journal everything that happened, which seemed to help somewhat.

Even with these new disturbing dreams, Harry still had visions when Voldemort was feeling strongly about something, whether angry or amused.  Harry continued to feel the curses the Dark Lord cast while in these moods, and he was quickly noticing the drain on his body due to the extended exposure.  

Harry was waiting in the kitchen for Snape to begin his first Occlumency lesson since the whole Penseive fiasco.  Snape stepped out of the fireplace, with a grace Harry doubted he would ever possess, and nodded his head once in greeting. Harry stood, a little painfully from last night's vision, and waited for instructions.  He desperately wanted to know what happened the night before, which was the planned night for the raid on Remus's house.  He knew that would have to wait until later, though, and decided to concentrate on his lesson for now.

"Well, Mr. Potter, you are on time today.  I'm impressed."  _Was that sarcasm or a compliment,_ wondered Harry.  He didn't have long to ponder the thought before Snape walked out the door, motioning him to follow. "Come, Mr. Potter, we will be working in the study.  It is the most private room we can find in this overrun house."

Harry hadn't spent much time in the study and was pretty sure no one else did either.  It wasn't really any worse than the other rooms in the old Black house, but it was out of the way and fairly small.  There were no windows in the room, and the two small armchairs had a musty smell that seemed to match the layer of dust well.  _Maybe it is a bit more dank and dungeon-like than the other rooms,_ thought Harry.  _Is that why Professor Snape chose it?_  Harry couldn't stop the small smirk from forming on his face.  He wiped it off before Snape turned around.  When the potions master looked at him, he realized just how nervous he was for this lesson.  Harry really wanted to succeed in these lessons, not only for the protection of those he loved, but also because he wanted to impress Snape in some small way; he was sure it wouldn't happen in potions with an entire class present, but maybe one on one would make a difference.  He was jolted back to reality by a soft command from his professor.

"Sit, Mr. Potter."  Harry sat in one of the chairs, and Snape sat across from him. 

"I know you've managed some progress on your own by blocking the visions being sent to you by the Dark Lord, but I do not know how you did that without further instruction.  I'd like for you to tell me what you did to overcome your previous problem of clearing your mind.  It may prove useful in continuing your studies."  The inquiry was polite, but still definitely a command.

"Well, I wasn't getting any sleep.  I knew I couldn't keep going like that or I'd end up just passing out somewhere.  So, I concentrated harder.  Instead of trying to completely clear my mind, which was impossible at the time, I just concentrated on one thing."  Harry stopped here.  He didn't want Snape to know about the cutting, and how that was the only thing that could clear his mind at the beginning.  The man already thought of him as nothing, what would he think if he knew?

"What was this one thing, Mr. Potter?  It seems to have solved many problems."

"Er, I was imagining water flowing over a rock," he answered.  It was the closest he could come to the truth of watching his blood running over his skin.

Snape looked skeptical but said, "Very well.  Shall we begin?"  He didn't wait for an answer before calmly saying, "Legilimens!" 

Harry was caught off guard.  Even though he had gotten better, that protection only lasted a few seconds against this direct attack. 

He was back in the Department of Mysteries on that awful night.  He saw Sirius go through the veil again.  He was screaming, "No!" at the top of his lungs, but he didn't know if that was him yelling at Snape to get out, or his memory yelling for Sirius.  The sense of loss came back full force.  All of the aching sadness and overwhelming emptiness settled in his chest once again.  All of a sudden, the scene changed.  He was being possessed by Voldemort and asking for death.  The pain was unbearable, but only lasted a second before the scene changed to Remus's house.  The werewolf was kicking Harry out for talking about Sirius being alive.

The spell stopped and Harry was on the ground shaking and panting for breath.  He stared at a point in space and kept muttering, "Sirius.  No, not Sirius.  I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry, Sirius.  I failed you.  I miss you, Sirius."

His world started shaking and someone yelled his name.  Harry looked up dazedly to see Professor Snape in front of him. 

"Potter.  Potter!  Fine then, Harry, listen to me.  You're fine now, get up."

Harry shook his head, "No, go away.  Didn't you see?  I killed him, and I could kill you too.  I have to leave.  I have to get away from all of you.  Let me go!"  Harry was hysterically screaming at Snape who had grabbed his shoulders to try and calm him.

"Harry!  Calm down!  No one's in danger.  Black's alive, don't you remember?"  Harry was still panicking when he looked into Snape's face and saw confusion and a trace of concern in the older man's expression.  He forced himself to calm down, which was helped along by a calming potion being shoved down his throat.  After a few more moments of confusion and fear, Harry was calm enough to start breathing regularly.  He attempted to get up, but Snape gently restrained him and said, "Stay here for a minute and try to relax.  Do you know what happened?"

Harry nodded and whispered, almost inaudibly, "Sirius died because of me.  I-I don't deserve… I shouldn't be here."

"You never listen, do you Potter?  Black is alive, much as I hate to admit it."  The old condensation was back, until slight worry overcame it again.  "Do you know where you are and what day it is?"

"Of course!  I'm in your…"  Harry trailed off and looked around.  He wasn't in Snape's office.  He was in Grimmauld Place!  How could they have put him there after what happened to Sirius?  "Why am I locked in his home?" Harry asked accusingly. 

Snape held Harry's face in his hands as he spoke.   "Mr. Potter, I'll ask one more time for you to listen.  Black did _not_ die that night at the Ministry.  He's here with everyone else.  Perhaps you'd like to see him.  We'll talk about some other things at our next lesson.  We're done for today.  Come with me."  He helped the boy up and steered him out of the room.  Up the stairs they went into a bedroom.

From the doorway Harry saw his godfather sitting at a desk and choked out, "Sirius?" in a strangled voice that wouldn't be out of place on a distraught five year old.  He would have fallen to his knees if Snape hadn't caught him.  Sirius ran over immediately and took the small, shaking boy in his arms.

"What did you do to him, Snape?" hissed Sirius in a deadly voice.

"I did nothing more than instructed, Black.  He relived some memories in the lesson today.  He believed you were dead.  I tried to reason with him, but as you can see, he's not all that responsive at the moment.  He is in no condition to continue lessons, so I brought him to you.  Apparently, he has not gotten over your supposed 'death' or accepted your return as much as everyone thinks."

Sirius had calmed down somewhat and had a sad look in his eyes as he watched his trembling godson.  He knew Harry was extremely confused right now, but the boy was still trying to hold back from crying.  No matter the situation, Harry did not allow himself to show weakness in crying.  Sirius just held him and rubbed his back, saying, "Shh, Harry.  It'll be ok.  I'm fine, I didn't die, and it wouldn't have been your fault if I had.  In fact, it was probably your wish that brought me back to you.  Calm down.  I won't leave you."

Snape grabbed the other man's attention by clearing his throat and asked, "How did Lupin react to the news of your return?"

Sirius's mind was obviously elsewhere, so he answered the question without thinking about the motives behind it.  "He was happy, a bit overwhelmed, but very grateful that his last real friend wasn't gone.  Wait, why do you want to know?" asked Sirius accusingly as he realized who had just asked that question.

"I saw something interesting in Potter's memory.  Did Lupin try to kick him out for saying that you were alive?"

"What?  Remus do that?  No!  How can you even suggest – Oh Merlin," Sirius sighed.  "I remember.  Harry had a nightmare one of this first nights staying with us.  He – he thought I was still dead and Remus would kick him out."  Sirius tightened his arms around Harry, who was watching silently, like he wasn't even in the room.

"Before his Occlumency lessons continue, he will need to get past all of this.  I cannot help him if this happens each time.  I suggest you let him sleep now, and talk to him when he wakes."  With that Snape swept out of the room and left the house.

Sirius gathered Harry up in his arms and carried him to his bed.  After settling him into the covers, he changed into Padfoot and curled up protectively around the small boy.  Between the day's stress and the calming potion, Harry fell asleep very quickly.  He held one of the dog's paws in his hand as he drifted off.  Thankfully, he was visited by no dreams.

His mind was in such a confused and stunned state when he was brought to Sirius's room that it took him several minutes to realize where he was when he woke up.  He felt warmth behind him and rolled over slowly to see Padfoot sleeping lightly.  Harry coughed and the dog awoke.  For a few minutes the two just looked at each other, Harry absently pet the dog.

Sirius changed back and asked softly, "How are you feeling?"

"A little confused… and, er, embarrassed," Harry answered truthfully.  He didn't think to mention that his muscles ached terribly from the previous night's vision.  

Sirius smiled, "You've nothing to be embarrassed about.  Do you remember why you're here?"

Harry thought of where he last remembered being – in his Occlumency lesson.  What had happened?  Memories.  Memories of that night had come back.  He remembered some of what happened.  He had lost it…

Harry looked down in shame and muttered, "I'm sorry."

Sirius was surprised, "Sorry for what?"

Harry looked at him incredulously, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.  "For losing control like that.  For breaking down and generally going nutters!  And all in front of Professor Snape too!"

"Harry, it's ok to lose control once in a while.  If anyone deserves to, it's you.  So Snape saw you, oh well.  If he says anything, I'll hex him."  Harry smiled at this, his godfather was so kind in such unusual ways.  Sirius laughed and Harry looked at him questioningly.  

"What are you laughing at?"

"It's just – Snape actually seemed concerned about you.  He'll never admit it, but I bet he spent the whole afternoon thinking about that fact, completely confused!"  He burst out laughing again, this time Harry joined in, albeit a little quieter.  The thought of Snape over-analyzing his concern for the Boy-Who-Lived was a very humorous thought.

A while later when they'd calmed down, Sirius looked meaning fully at Harry again, and asked, "How are you doing, really?"

"Fi –" Harry started and was cut off.

"Don't say you're fine when you're not.  Harry, I'm not here to judge you; I'm here to help you.  If you're confused or scared or sad or anything, you can tell me.  I can't promise to have all the answers, but I'll listen to all the questions you have and do my best.  Now, do you want to talk about anything?"

Harry thought for a while, but couldn't think of anything to say.  Finally, he got frustrated and said, "I don't know how to do this . I've never really told anyone what goes on in my head before.  What am I supposed to talk about?"

"Well, shall we start with that night at the Ministry?" Harry flinched.  "You've got to talk about it, Harry.  It's not going to go away.  You told me what happened when we were at Remus's, but you didn't say much about how you feel about it now.  I'm alive and with you.  Please, tell me something of how you feel about all of this."  Sirius was rubbing Harry's back comfortingly.  Harry decided to risk a little and tell Sirius how he had been feeling.

"Have you ever felt like you were maybe going crazy?  Like really, truly insane?"  Sirius smirked wryly at him.  "Oh, right, sorry.  Anyway, sometimes I'm not too sure that I'm not, you know, a little nutters.  Sometimes I have these dreams where you died, but never came back, but I think you did.  It's like there are two separate worlds, but only one of me.  I know you're alive, but in there you aren't.  Then I'm never quite sure which is the real world anymore.  What if this is really the dream and the other is real?  What if you _are_ dead and everyone is right that I'm imagining talking to you?  What if it's all a big dream or illusion or something?"  Harry asked in desperation.

His godfather looked at him seriously and answered, "What if it is?  Would it matter?  If this whole life was just a dream, would it matter how you lived, or what you did?  No, it wouldn't.  But if this life is real, it means everything.  Anyone can give up if they don't' think what they do really matters.  Harry, I'm not sure how to convince you this is real.  I know I've said it before, but you can come talk tom e anytime about anything.  And if it's me you're confused about, you can talk to Remus or Ron and Hermoine."

Sirius paused for a while, and when he spoke again it was quiet, but meaningful.  "I know what it's like to be confused.  When I got out of Azkaban, I was constantly fighting waking and sleeping nightmares.  I couldn't keep things straight for a long time.  I had some good days, usually when I would see you, but otherwise, I was a mess physically and mentally.  After I met you and told you the truth things got better, but I still needed a lot of help.  I still do.  Without Remus and you I'd probably be as crazy as everyone thinks."  Sirius gave a half-hearted laugh.  Harry knew it was just as difficult for Sirius to share his problems as it was for Harry.

Harry smiled at his godfather.  "Thanks, Sirius."  The man tried to wave it off as nothing.  "No, really, I mean it.  I-I've been worried about telling anyone.  I thought you might, you know, ship me off to St. Mungo's or something."  Harry inspected his fingernails, nervous about Sirius's response. 

Sirius gave him a one-armed hug and smiled, "Kid, do you think I'm qualified to commit anyone?"  They both laughed.

"Thanks for talking with me and telling me all of that stuff.  You probably think I'm cracked now, but if you still get confused or anything, the same goes for you; come talk to me anytime."  There was a comfortable silence for a while, until Harry spoke again.  "Well, I'm sure you have something better to be doing than sitting with me all day."

"Never," Sirius smiled.  "But if you don't need me anymore, I should make an appearance at the meeting," he joked.

"You're missing a meeting?!  Does that mean everyone knows what happened?"

"I think Dumbledore just told them you had a rough day, and I was taking care of you. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone, except Remus if you want me to, so he can help if you need it."  Harry's embarrassment at feeling like a child must have shown on his face, because Sirius continued.  "Hey, don't you think on it for a second.  Everyone needs a little help sometimes.  Remus did when he came to school hiding his lycanthropy; your father did with keeping his head and Lily; Peter did for schoolwork and protection from bullies; and I did countless times and still do.  If you're sure you're ok, I'll go, but I don't have to.  It's up to you, kiddo."

While Sirius's words did comfort Harry, he was still embarrassed at the situation.  He told Sirius to go and said he wanted to spend some time alone.  He also told Sirius that he could talk to Remus about what happened, but no one else, at least for now.  He also hoped to hear details later about what happened during the attack on Remus's house.  He knew it was somewhat successful, since Snape came for his lesson and wasn't in too foul of a mood.  Harry felt so guilty for bringing that on his gentle werewolf friend, who didn't have much in the way of material possessions in the first place.  He only hoped that Remus would let him buy back some things he'd lost in the raid.

Harry made his way to the attic with his invisibility cloak on.  He'd left a note in his room saying he wanted some time alone, but he just wanted to make sure he wasn't found before he was ready.  He watched out the attic window his friends playing in the backyard.  He decided he would join them in a little while, when his head stopped going over everything in so much detail and his body stopped aching so much.  Maybe he would have to ask for a mild pain potion.  He really didn't want to keep bothering people about it, since it seemed like his fault that he didn't notice the spell in Diagon Alley.  He decided to deal with it later, as he just wanted to relax after the long climb to the attic.  

As he stared out at the horizon, he noticed a small black dot growing larger.  It got closer and he saw that it was an owl.  It was making it's way to the attic window, to him.  The sight of the large black owl was unsettling for some reason, and Harry nervously untied the package and note when the owl landed on the windowsill.

***********

**A/N: **Hi again.  I thought I'd put some lyrics to songs I listen to when I think of this story.  Some lyrics are just parts of songs, some are whole, but I'll put who they are and titles, etc.  You can find all of them online.

Evanescence:  Going Under 

blurring and stirring the truth and the lies   
so i don't know what's real and what's not   
always confusing the thoughts in my head   
so i can't trust myself anymore   
i'm dying again   
  
i'm going under   
drowning in you   
i'm falling forever   
i've got to break through   
  
so go on and scream   
scream at me i'm so far away   
i won't be broken again   
i've got to breathe i can't keep going under

****

**_Evanescence: Whisper_**

Catch me as I fall   
Say you're here and it's all over now   
Speaking to the atmosphere   
No one's here and I fall into myself   
This truth drive me   
Into madness   
I know I can stop the pain   
If I will it all away   
  
[CHORUS:]   
Don't turn away   
(Don't give in to the pain)   
Don't try to hide   
(Though they're screaming your name)   
Don't close your eyes   
(God knows what lies behind them)   
Don't turn out the light   
(Never sleep never die)   
  
I'm frightened by what I see   
But somehow I know   
That there's much more to come   
Immobilized by my fear   
And soon to be   
Blinded by tears   
I can stop the pain   
If I will it all away****

_Queensryche: Silent Lucidity  _

_Hush now, don't you cry  
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye  
You're lying safe in bed  
It was all a bad dream  
Spinning in your head  
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain  
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life  
So here it is, another chance  
Wide awake you face the day  
Your dream is over... or has it just begun?  
There's a place I like to hide  
A doorway that I run through in the night  
Relax child, you were there  
But only didn't realize it and you were scared  
It's a place where you will learn  
To face your fears, retrace the years  
And ride the whims of your mind  
Commanding in another world  
Suddenly you hear and see  
This magic new dimension  
I- will be watching over you  
I- am gonna help you see it through  
I- will protect you in the night  
I- am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity  
[Visualize your dream]  
[Record it in the present tense]  
[Put it into a permanent form]  
[If you persist in your efforts]  
[You can achieve dream control]  
[Dream control]  
[How's that then, better?]  
[Hug me]  
If you open your mind for me  
You won't rely on open eyes to see  
The walls you built within  
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin  
Living twice at once you learn  
You're safe from the pain in the dream domain  
A soul set free to fly  
A round trip journey in your head  
Master of illusion, can you realize  
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...  
I- will be watching over you  
I- am gonna help to see it through  
I- will protect you in the night  
I- am smiling next to you....___

***[I listen to this all the time… I'm sort of addicted, I suppose.  Listening to this song is when most of the story forms in my head.  Weird?  Probably.  If you haven't hear it, I suggest you go find it RIGHT NOW!]

**_  
  
_**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: **still not mine, in case you were confused.

**A/N: ** This part has been planned since the beginning 'pre-writing' stages, and I was really excited to get to it.  But, it didn't really come out quite right.  I can't tell what's wrong with it, but it seems rushed and draggy at the same time.  I don't know why I'm telling you this… just read.  : )

Thanks to everyone who reviewed any chapters!  I love you guys.  Every time I get a new one I have to battle with myself to open it in case it tells me to go stick my head in the oven or something.  : )

**MorganD** – the reality issues is my favorite part so far too.  Although, there isn't any in this chapter (sorry!) Harry is otherwise occupied… 

**HoshiHikari4ever** – thanks for reviewing three chapters in one day!  It made me smile : )

**Someone Reading** – you made me blush when I read your review : )  thanks for reviewing so much, it really makes me happy to post stuff I would normally leave in a notebook for no one but me to see. 

**c3electric** – thanks for the emails.  You made me stop obsessing over this chapter and post as soon as I had time. : )

**********************

**Chapter 11: Aug 9th**

Harry looked at the box and hesitantly removed the note attached.  Slowly, he opened the black envelope and read the small card.  There were balloons and a cake in the picture on the front.  Inside was a short note:

_Happy belated birthday, Harry Potter_

He made a mental list of people he had received gifts from already.  He didn't know who could have sent this, but thought it could be from some random fan of the Boy-Who-Lived.  If he knew where it came from, maybe he could send it back.  With that thought he decided to open it and send it back with a thank you to whomever sent it.  The owl was still there, watching.

Slowly lifting the lid, Harry looked inside.  The attic didn't have enough light by which to see, so he pulled the lid all the way off.

He stared in shock as he tried to scream for someone, but all that came out was a whisper.  He couldn't breathe, the walls of the small attic were closing in on him.  His whole world seemed to be crumbling beneath him.  As the box fell from his hands, a mass of flesh and hair rolled out.  While it was still in the box he couldn't be sure, but now he could clearly see it.  Harry Potter had been sent a human head.  With a second gasp of shock and horror, Harry recognized who it was.  

_It can't be.  No, this can't be real.  It's another dream._

No matter what he told himself, he knew that this was very much real.  The blank eyes of Dennis Creevey stared up at him from the floor in a mockery of how Dennis, and his brother Colin, had always looked up to him at school.

Harry was trembling head to toe.  He tried to move, but his feet seemed rooted to the floor. 

_Colin.  Where is Colin?  Did he suffer the same fate as his brother?_

Harry still hadn't found his voice, but his feet managed to move some.  Still covered by the invisibility cloak, he bolted for the door, down several steps, and out the front door of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place.  Faintly he heard the door bang behind him.

Run.

That was the only thing on Harry's thoughts.  Run.  He had no direction in mind.  His shock, grief, and guilt besieged him, and he ran as fast as his numb legs could carry him down the streets of the neighborhood.  He stumbled as pain shot through his scar.  __

_No.  No more.  Please._

Somewhere in the back of his mind he registered a sign on the side of the road that read, "Grimmauld Park."  Sirius had told him about the park and that his mother didn't let him play there for fear of 'contamination' from muggles or some other such nonsense.

Falling to his knees, Harry clutched his head in both hands and clenched his teeth in pain.  His vision swam in front of him for a minute before it was clear again, and he found himself in a room brightly lit with torches burning on the walls.

~~~

_As he was forced to watch through Voldemort's eyes, he saw that he was alone in the room.  He tried to clear his mind, to get himself out of this place, but before he could, a door opened revealing Bellatrix Lestrange with a perfectly healthy, but deathly afraid Colin Creevey._

No_, Harry thought desperately_.  I won't let you do this.  I won't let you kill another._  Harry's strained thoughts were cut short as the body he was inhabiting started to speak.  He didn't even register the fact that this was the first time he'd ever been aware that he was in a vision as it happened._

_"Ah, Bellatrix, how did it go?" Voldemort asked with amusement._

_"Very well, my Lord.  They actually put up a fight, which made things more interesting," replied the dark-eyed woman.  She idly touched her cheek where a large black and blue bruise was beginning to form.  "They have a lot of spirit, my Lord.  I do hope you have some fun with this one.  We did as instructed with the other."_

_"You've done well this time.  You may go."  The woman left the room after her dismissal with a deep bow to her master._

_"What is your name, little boy?" asked Voldemort in a mock-interested voice._

_Colin looked up with pride shining through his fear and answered strongly, "I am an enemy of yours, and there are plenty more like me.  We will fight you until you are gone forever!"  Harry couldn't help but be proud of this boy he had taught for a short while in the D.A.  If the circumstances had been different, he would have made ready a party for this small brave warrior to come home to.  Sadly, Harry knew better.  He'd been trying ever since Colin came in the room to try and stop Voldemort with his mind.  So far it didn't seem as thought the Dark Lord even noticed he was there._

_Voldemort simply sounded amused at the boy's reply.  "Very well, boy.  Crucio!"_

_As Colin screamed on the floor in agony, Harry was curled forward on his knees with his forehead touching the ground, feeling every bit of the curse being inflicted on the younger boy._

_The curse lifted and Voldemort spoke again.  "Well, young Mr. Creevey.  I was told your name, but I do like for people to properly introduced themselves when they first meet.  I am Lord Voldemort, the most powerful wizard there has been for ages."_

_"You are nothing but a coward," Colin spat.  "Professor Dumbledore could force you into a cage in a zoo where you belong, snake.  What kind of powerful wizard goes after unarmed children?  Afraid of a fair fight?"_

_"Crucio!"  Voldemort called out just as Colin was getting to his feet again._

_Through the pain Harry tried to look at how Colin was doing.  He seemed to be nearing unconsciousness.  Harry had seen enough torture in his visions by now to be able to tell early.  Just before he passed out, Voldemort lifted the curse._

_"Would you like to know why you are here, Mr. Creevey?"  Colin swayed, but forced himself to get up and stand as tall as he could.  "I have heard of your great admiration not only of Dumbledore, but also of Harry Potter.  I have heard that you and your brother seemingly worship him above most anyone.  It is for this reason alone that I called upon my faithful servants to invite you here.  Two mudblood children with no talent would not have been any concern of mine, until I heard of your hero-worship of Potter.  I believe I have shown what a fool you, and everyone else, are in seeing anything of worth in that meddlesome maggot."_

_"You've shown me nothing but cowardice.  You hide behind your wand because no one would listen to you otherwise.  You are jealous –" Colin was cut off by yet another round of the Cruciatus curse._

_~~~_

Still feeling the curse, Harry felt another sensation.  A strong, blunt force hit the left side of his body, knocking him over and to the right.

Rolling down the hill into the park he barely noticed earlier jolted him out of the vision quickly.  He couldn't tell if the pain he was feeling was from the curse or the rolling or whatever had hit him.  Finally coming to a stop at the bottom, Harry saw his invisibility cloak a few feet away.  He thought of grabbing it and covering himself again, but decided it hurt too much to move that far.  

"Harry!"

He heard a voice in the distance call his name.  He tried to call out but only managed to cough.  When he tried again, he only coughed harder and longer until he saw flecks of red in the palm of his hand.

"Harry!" called Sirius, Remus, and Mad-eye Moody together.  Harry saw them make there way down the hill and closed his eyes.  _Colin…_

He vaguely felt being jostled painfully, then laid down in dim lighting and realized he must have been back at the house already.

As he tried to rouse himself enough to tell them what happened, a surge of pain stronger than he had previously been privileged to feel surged through him.  It felt like he was being crushed from all sides at the same time as being blown up from the inside out.  Then every particle inside him was being ripped apart at once, starting and ending at his scar.  After an eternity, which was really only a few seconds, it was gone, replaced by the regular pain after the Cruciatus curse.  He knew what had happened straight away.  Avada Kedavra.  It had to be.  He didn't know any other curse that could possibly feel like that.  Colin was dead.  He felt three distinct trails of wetness on his face.  Reaching up he wiped away the tears roughly.  Tentatively, he brought his fingers up to his forehead and felt a warm, sticky substance.  His scar was bleeding, not much, but a small, steady stream.

"Harry?" his godfather's voice called out anxiously.  Harry jumped, forgetting the other people were there with him. 

He opened his eyes and forced out three words, "Colin's dead too."  Then his body took over and forced him to pass out.  

There were no visions or dreams, simply blackness.  He didn't have long to enjoy it, or seemed not to according to him, before he awoke in a darkened room.  

He looked to his right and smiled softly as his godfather dozed in a chair next to the bed, holding his hand.  On the left Remus also slept.  There was a table at the end of the bed full of potion bottles.  He cringed as he realized he would likely have to take them when someone knew he was awake.  He pondered just letting the men sleep while he got himself a glass of water, but shot that thought down as he could hardly move, much less get out of bed.

His pain filled movements stirred Sirius who popped his eyes open quickly, then softened as he saw Harry awake.

"How do you feel?" he asked quietly.

"Thirsty," Harry choked out.

Sirius helped prop Harry up a bit, then held up a glass with a straw so Harry could sip some water.  Harry was slightly ashamed, but grateful, because he didn't think he'd really be able to hold a glass steady enough to drink.  This little commotion roused Remus.

"Hi, Harry.  It's good to see you," he smiled.

"Good to see you too, but you guys shouldn't be sleeping on those chairs.  They don't look very comfortable," Harry tried to lecture in a weak voice.

"Well, we couldn't very well leave you in here all by yourself, could we?" stated Sirius.

"Yes, actually, I'm sure that was an option.  You also have larger rooms with larger beds or multiple beds, so that you and Remus could have been comfortable."

Sirius and Remus looked at each other a minute then grinned.

Remus said, "Harry, you are much to young and injured to be so wise, so we'll pretend we didn't hear that."  The two older men laughed softly, and Harry tried to join in, but broke out coughing, which effectively silenced them.

"Drink this," instructed Remus with a potion in hand.  Harry tried to grab the goblet, but found that he was right about not being able to hold onto it.  Remus's quick reflexes caught it before it left the shaking hands of the boy in the bed.  He held it up to Harry's mouth and Harry took it without protest.  He was too tired to act stronger than he was at the moment.  

"If you two tell anyone how pathetic I am right now, I'll tell them you drugged me into this state," Harry joked halfheartedly.

Sirius and Remus smiled and reassured him that no one would know.  He drank the rest of the potions as instructed, plus a little more water, then went back to sleep.

The next time he woke, he found Remus awake on his right and Sirius asleep as Snuffles at the foot of the bed.  He stretched as much as was tolerable, and worked to get himself into a sitting position.  Remus helped him, and by the time he was at ease again Sirius was awake.  Harry felt much more coherent this time around, and didn't remember much of the last time he was awake, only that he had been.

"Hey, kiddo, how are you feeling?" asked Sirius quietly.

"Alright, I guess," he quickly amended that statement after a glare from both men that said they knew he was lying.  "Ok, ok, geesh.  I'm a little sore, especially my left shoulder and back, and it hurts a little to breathe deep, but that's it.  I swear.  And nothing really hurts _too_ bad.  What happened anyway?" he asked curiously.

"You don't – don't you remember?" sputtered Sirius.

Harry thought back for a moment and his expression darkened as he remembered the owl in the attic… then the vision of Colin.  He spoke softly, almost to himself, "Colin and Dennis Creevey are dead.  I remember I ran… then pain.  It was the Cruciatus and I felt all of it, I think.  Then the killing curse; it hurt more than anything I've ever felt before."  Harry zoned out into his own little world for a few minutes then shook his head.  "Was there anything else?" 

Sirius and Remus shared a look, which seemed to decide that Remus would talk this time.  Harry didn't think he'd ever figure out those secret messages between them.

"We heard the front door slam, so we came to check it out.  We didn't see anyone outside, so we went up to the bedrooms.  We found your note to Ron in your room and went to check on you in the attic.  We – we found Dennis.  I alerted the rest of the Order, who were still in the meeting, and we broke up looking for you.  Sirius, Alastor, and I went down the same street you did, with a little help from Padfoot's tracking skills.  When we were about a half a block away from you, a car went by and Alastor shouted out to you, but you didn't hear him.  Sirius and I couldn't see you, because you had your cloak on, but Alastor saw you get hit by that muggle can on wheels and we ran after you.  We finally found you at the bottom of the hill and brought you back here.  You slept for about a day before you woke up last night.  It's now the morning of the eleventh of August.  You were lucky the car only nicked you.  You're on bed rest for the next couple days – Poppy's orders – then you should be free to wander about this old house again.  "  Remus gave him an encouraging smile.

"I don't feel that bad, can't I get up now?" Harry asked.

"If you're feeling that much better, perhaps you would like to begin your Occlumency lessons again, Mr. Potter?" said a gentle voice from the door.  Harry looked up to see his smiling headmaster in bright yellow robes with blue confetti falling in a continuous stream from shoulders to hemline.  Harry couldn't help but smile at the strange man.

"Er, in that case, I don't think I'll be feeling well for quite some time, sir," Harry said with a little grin.

Sirius added, "Your really do need to start again, though.  If you're feeling the full effects of those curses, we need to find a way to stop them."

"I know, Sirius.  I was only kidding.  I know how important it is.  It just seems pointless when I don't get any better at all.  In fact I think I got worse last time!"

"If you are speaking of the incident just a few days ago, I'm sure you will be able to get past that.  You did splendidly earlier in the summer, I'm sure you can again."  Harry didn't really listen to him.  He was wondering how Sirius could have betrayed him by telling Dumbledore about what happened when Harry had told him he could only tell Remus.  "Professor Snape thought it would be beneficial for me to know about your last lesson, Harry.  I must go now.  I certainly am happy to see you up again.  Goodbye, gentlemen."  He left the room and closed the door behind him.

Harry was glad to hear that Sirius hadn't betrayed his confidence to the Headmaster.  He had never asked anything of Snape, so didn't really care that he had told the aged wizard about the lesson, although he was still embarrassed for every new person who knew.  Sirius and Remus left to speak to Dumbledore before he had to go, leaving Harry alone in the room he'd been occupying for the last few days.

Harry settled back into the pillows once more and tried to relax.  He was slowly noticing the whole left side of his body was beginning to throb.  He remembered that he had been hit by a car and hadn't even noticed.  He must have taken the brunt of it on his left shoulder and side.  The longer he laid there, the more painful and difficult breathing became.  He thought sitting up might help, so he tried to push and pull his way into a sitting position and gasped in pain from the attempt.  Since normal shallow breaths were already causing him pain,  the gasp only caused more.  He decided the best thing to do would be just to lie as still as possible taking short, shallow breaths.

Sirius came back in with a smile and said, "Remus has gone to tell Ron and Hermione that they can come see you now.  They've been very… put out at not being allowed."

Harry would have laughed at his imagined reactions of the adults to a raging Ron and Hermione on a mission to see him.  He would have laughed, that is, if his chest didn't feel like it was being crushed, and he was slowly drowning at the same time.

Sirius sat down and noticed immediately the pained expression on his godson's face.  "What's the matter, Harry?" he asked apprehensively.

"Hurts," was all Harry could manage to push through his mouth in a quiet whisper.

"What hurts, Harry?"  Harry didn't answer, but kept on with his shallow breathing.  "Is it your chest?" Sirius asked.  Harry nodded weakly.  "Ok, just hold on a minute, it'll be alright.  Just keep breathing."

Sirius left the room and was back in no time with Remus in tow.  The werewolf walked over to Harry's side quickly and put a potion to the boy's lips.  Harry drank without question or hesitation, having complete trust in the two men in front of him.  

When he'd finished, Remus said, "That was a potion for the pain.  You cracked a few ribs and bruised some tissue when you were hit by the car.  Madam Pomfrey has set it to heal, but it will take another day to complete.  If you ever start to feel discomfort again, don't hesitate to ask someone for the potion, alright?  It should be starting to feel better soon."  Remus had been patting his hair back soothingly while he spoke in a gentle voice, and Harry was beginning to feel better.  He could tell the potion was working and started taking deeper breaths.

"Thank you," Harry whispered, "both of you."

"How do you feel now, Harry?" asked Sirius.

"A little dizzy," Harry answered truthfully.  He glanced up at him, then returned his gaze to the table at the end of his bed.  He felt weak.  Here he was with a couple cracked ribs and whining for a potion, when he'd seen people much worse off in his visions standing up against Voldemort even to their last breath.

"Hey, stop that," said Sirius suddenly.

"W-what?" Harry asked.  He'd been zoning out the last few minutes in thought and figured he must have missed something important.

"Stop thinking you're weak.  You were hit by a car, not to mention the various curses, for Merlin's sake!  You are in pain," he said slowly.  "Everyone – anyone would take a pain potion after what you went through.  Hell, I'd probably be crying like a baby if it had happened to me," Sirius said with a small smile.  "If you weren't in pain, I'd ask a specialist from St. Mungo's over to have a look at you."  That earned a shy smile from Harry.  "Now, will you promise me something?"

Harry looked at him with some trepidation.  Eventually he said, "Maybe."

Sirius sighed.  "Will you promise to ask for more potion when this wears off?  Madam Pomfrey tried to estimate the dosage time as best she could, but she's never really dealt with this kind of thing before."

Harry nodded and said quietly, "Alright, I promise."  After a short pause Harry asked timidly, "Sirius?".

Sirius smiled, "What's up, kiddo?"

"Will you… I mean – what are you doing today?" Harry asked feigning interest.

"I was thinking of staying with you if that's alright," Sirius answered, seemingly sensing what Harry wanted to ask, but couldn't for some reason.

Harry smiled, "I don't mind at all, as long as you don't have more important things to do."

Sirius grabbed Harry's good shoulder gently, but firmly, and said, "Nothing is more important to me than you, Harry.  And I guess I'm just going to have to keep telling you that until you believe me."  Sirius smiled, if a little sadly, and spoke once more.  "Would you like me in here when your friends come in, or do you want me to leave during that?"

Harry thought about it.  While Harry would like Sirius to stay, because he knew the man would block any questions pertaining to the Creeveys, Harry felt that he should let the man have a little time to himself.  He looked as though he hadn't left the room since Harry arrived, which was probably the truth.

"I think I can handle them alone.  Besides, you need a shower and a meal I'm sure.  Thanks for, you know, staying with me and all…" Harry trailed off, not really knowing what to say.

"You're what I'm here for," Sirius smiled.  "Do you think I can give you a hug, now, or are you too sore?"

Harry rolled his eyes at the affectionate man, but inside he was filled with a feeling of security and warmth that had never been there before.  He nodded, and when Sirius hugged him it was very mellow, not at all like the ex-convict's personality.  Harry hugged back weakly and closed his eyes.  He'd had a similar feeling before, when Mrs. Weasley had hugged him after the Tri-Wizard Tournament.  He had wondered at the time if that was how it felt to be hugged by a mother, a parent, someone who cared.  Now, he felt the same thing from hugging Sirius.  It was all so much to take in at once when he wasn't used to it for the vast majority of his life.  He forced that train of thought to derail and prepared for seeing his friends.

"Harry, if you get too tired with that lot, just tell them you need to rest, alright?  They'll understand.  I don't think they know the details of what happened, but they do know that you had a vision, in which you were cursed, then you were hit by a car.  You don't have to talk about any of that if you don't want to until you're ready.  I'll be back shortly.  Tell me, do you think you will be able to kick your friends out if you're not feeling up to having visitors?" Sirius asked seriously.

Harry shifted his gaze from his godfather, trying to think of what to tell him.  He knew that he could never kick anyone he cared about out of there, but that wasn't what Sirius wanted to hear.  Apparently, he waited too long to answer, because Sirius sighed.

"Ok, I'll be back in a half hour at most.  When I get back, I'll embarrass you by giving you a godfatherly hug," Sirius smirked, "and I'll ask you quietly if you want them to leave or not.  You can answer me then, and I'll kick them out if you want.  Ok, kiddo?"

"I guess… I just don't want them to think I'm mad at them or something…" Harry replied.

"I know, and they won't.  I'm really going this time.  See you soon."  He walked out and a tangle of red hair with a bushy, brown spot entered the room.

"Hi, Harry.  How are you feeling?" asked Hermione as she hugged him gently.

"I'm fine, guys.  Madam Pomfrey said a couple days, good as new," he smiled at them.

"Good to hear it, mate," said Ron, clapping his good shoulder lightly.

Harry was greeted by Ginny, Fred, and George.  Bill and Charlie were also there for less than a minute.  Apparently, there was to be a general Order meeting that everyone was expected to attend if not currently on a mission for said Order.  

After the older Weasleys left, the younger ones (with Hermione) proceeded to fill him in on what had been going on the past few days.  Apparently, the twins had developed a new product.  They were now banned from being anywhere near the kitchen.  No one was quite sure what happened, but when two matching purple kittens suddenly popped back into Professor Snape and Mad-eye Moody, the young jokesters found themselves stuck to the ceiling.  Literally.  With no help or wands.  For an entire day, breakfast to supper, with everyone pretending not to hear them, which became easier once Mrs. Weasley placed a silencing charm on them.  

Harry was soon laughing harder than he had in a long while, despite the slight discomfort that appeared in his chest even with the potion in effect.

A half hour later, true to his word, Sirius came back.  He walked up to Harry and gave him a huge, but gentle, hug and whispered in his ear, "Do you want me to ask them to leave?"  Harry just shook his head and smiled.

"Sirius, don't you have to be at the meeting?  I thought it was for everyone that could make it," Harry said puzzled.

"Well, I stopped in and got bored, so I came up here.  I did promise you I'd be back.  I'm not going to break a promise like that to you just for some silly meeting that Remus will repeat to me about four times anyway," Sirius smirked.  Looking at Harry  more seriously, he said, "How many times do I have to tell you that you're more important than anything to me?"

Harry looked down at his lap a little embarrassed, but happy.  "Not now, Padfoot."  No matter how much Sirius's words meant to him, Harry just wasn't ready to fully believe him yet.  But there was no way he was going to discuss anything like that in front of all his friends.  He looked up with a broad smile and asked, "Why didn't you tell me about Fred and Georges Kitten Krackers?"

Everyone gaped at him.

"You knew?" exclaimed Ron and Hermione together.

"Of course I knew.  Where do you thing they got the idea?  I may be a silent partner, but I'm not _that_ silent."  Harry just laughed at all their shocked faces.  "Too bad it was Professor Snape though.  I mean, I'm sure it was hilarious, but I think I'll be back on his most hated list.  Well, the few days below number one were nice while it lasted."

"Eh, Harry, are you saying Snape was actually nice to you?" asked Ron incredulously.

"Well, yeah… not really nice like you would think of other people being nice, but it was definitely a step up.  Nevermind, Ron.  I was probably delirious at the time.  So, what are you guys up to today?" Harry asked changing the subject.  He didn't really want to discuss Professor Snape with Ron.  He knew the redhead would never understand that he wanted something akin to respect or acceptance from the ex-Death Eater.  Harry didn't really know why he did, but he knew that somewhere in the back of his mind, his respect for his professor had somehow grown since finding out what he did for the Order.  Speaking of which, Harry recalled that he was never told what happened at Remus's house the other night.  He wasn't paying attention to the conversation, and he was pretty sure Hermione noticed, but she didn't say anything, just gave him a small smile when he met her eyes.

Soon, she spoke to the room, "Hey, guys, we've been here for over an hour.  I think Harry needs to get some rest."  Groaning could be heard from around the room, which was quite impressive considering it was only Ron and Harry making the sound.  "Honestly, he'll be up later, and Madam Pomfrey says he'll be good as new in a few days, **if he gets enough rest!**  Come on, everyone.  Harry, you get some rest and we'll see you later."  She gave him another hug and a quick peck on the cheek.  He hugged her back and smiled appreciatively.  He didn't want them to leave, really, but he was awfully tired.  

When everyone had filed out of the room, he settled back on the pillows with help from Sirius.  After asking about a dozen times, Harry managed to convince his godfather that he didn't need anything right now and would go to sleep for a while.

He was very tired, but not quite so tired that he fell asleep immediately upon hitting the pillows.  He had time to think before sleep.  He didn't want to think.  Thinking involved remembering.  Remembering involved reliving.

Every time Harry lowered his lids he saw Dennis's empty eyes looking up at him from the floor, or Colin's proud determination while standing up to Voldemort.  In the silence he heard Voldemort's words that the Creeveys were chosen simply because they knew Harry Potter and admired him.  Harry squeezed his eyes tightly, futilely fighting against the tears that threatened to fall.  Finally, one escaped out of each eye.  A gentle hand wiped them away, and Harry opened his eyes to the concerned ones of Sirius.  Without a word Harry accepted the comfort freely given and allowed himself to be held until he fell into an uneasy sleep.

******************

**A/N:  Important **– I am thinking of getting to a stopping point with this story for a while.  I'm not sure if it will be a real ending or not, but I won't leave much hanging.  I might just end it in the next few chapters, but I'm not sure.  I had a plan, but then I thought of like three different things I could do that are all completely different, so… I'm not sure why I said this was important.  Oh yeah!  If I decide to stop the story for a while, I'll tell you in an author's note.  I just thought I'd tell you ahead of time, and it's sort of a reminder for me.  : )   I have about four or five other stories floating in my head that want to be written so I can concentrate on classes again… right.  

Separate note – some people have asked about romantic relationships in this story… honestly, I have no idea.  I haven't really planned any, but you can use your imagination if you want.  : )  I think right now, Harry's having a few too many problems without adding a girl/boy-friend on top.  As for other characters, like Sirius/Remus or Ron/Hermione, you can go with what you want to think.  I won't tell you different, although I probably won't write anyone specifically with anyone else.  I just am not that great at romance I think… yeah.  So, bye now.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer:  **J.K. Rowling is the highest earning author ever.  Take a minute to let that soak in.  Last year she earned over $211 million (125m pounds). That works out to $658 for _each word_ in Order of the Phoenix.  Can anyone even comprehend that much money?  I can't.  This story, according to MS Word, is 49,135 words without disclaimers or author's notes.  That amounts to  $32,330,830 if I got $658 per word.  Now, I'm pretty sure I don't have that much money.  I'd like to think I'd notice something like that.  Hell, I'd be dumbfounded if I got a dollar per word, or even a penny!  But, the sad truth is, I get no money for this.  In fact, I have to pay the electricity bill that runs my computer, so I guess I get negative money to write.  Ok, I think I'm done with that.  Oh, I never actually said it: I don't own anything you read here.  It's all JKR's and her associates'.  (Source: www. hpana. com the news section)

**A/N: ** Hi everybody!  Long time, no post.  Thank the scientists for leap year or I wouldn't have posted in February.  Sad, I know.  Have you ever had one of those days where a tiny part of you thinks it wouldn't be so bad if that bus driver didn't see you in the road?  Well, that's kind of how this month has gone.  Yuck.  Hopefully, it's better from here on out, but I get the feeling I'll have even less time for writing.  Disgusting, isn't it?  Ok, well, I gotta get this posted or I never will.

Oh yeah, and being emailed by electric companies for more chapters is pretty neat… maybe I could get free power… wait, would that be considered paid for the writing?  Damn.  Someday I'll be original and write my own story, but until then, I love this world and can't seem to leave it!

**Chapter 12: August 12th (I think)**

Having fallen asleep without taking dreamless sleep potion, Harry had continuous nightmares of both Creevey brothers.  Pictures of their deaths flew through his mind, even though he hadn't actually seen either.  He'd only witnessed Colin being tortured, but not murdered, although he had felt it, and he didn't see anything of Dennis except the end result.  That didn't stop images from forming in his mind, though.  Over and over he saw these, until everything suddenly stopped.  

~~~

_Looking around, Harry found himself in the mental ward of the hospital again.  Was this better than watching the deaths of his friends?  He didn't know, because it was hard to remember anything of what had happened to them.  Finally all memory of recent events was gone as he looked around.  _

_The walls around him were flat and dull.  There didn't seem to be anyone outside his room, unlike other times when there had been nurses and orderlies scurrying around.  Futilely, he tried searching for a way out, like he had done every time he'd been stuck in this place._

_"Hello?" he called with his face against the window._

_He didn't see anyone, but he could hear footsteps coming closer.  Soon, a man came into view.  It was Dr. Stevens.  He looked the same as he always did when he came to see Harry.  White coat, small smile, and coffee cup characterized him in Harry's mind, since he could never fully focus on the man's face.  He stopped outside the door to speak._

_"Hello, Mr. Potter.  How are you feeling today?"_

_"Fine, I guess.  I have this feeling that something has happened – something bad, but I can't figure out what it was.  Do you know anything about it doctor?" Harry asked.  He hadn't made any progress in getting out by being rude to the man, so he decided to be polite and ask simple questions.  Maybe if he pretended to go along with his 'therapy' the doctor would let him out. _

_"Search your memories, Mr. Potter.  You will find what you seek."  Harry found this to be a rather cryptic answer, but he nodded and tried to remember anything odd or unusual happening._

_Fleeting images of a young man, a boy, being tortured appeared before his eyes.  Sadly, it was nothing out of the ordinary for Harry to see.  Then memories of Hogwarts, while playing Quidditch, and someone snapping photos were brought to mind.  He concentrated a little harder and saw two young brothers trying to charm buttons for him.  The Creevey brothers, then, but what about them?  The original view of torture resurfaced, then everything came rushing back.  Colin being cursed; Dennis being…  Harry actually stumbled and fell to the ground from the force of the memories.  _

_Dull green eyes looked up at the doctor.  "They're dead," he said simply._

_"Yes, Mr. Potter, they are.  Why do you think that is?  Whose fault is it?"_

_With a guilt-ridden expression and a tiny voice, Harry answered, "Mine.  It's my fault.  If they hadn't known me, they would be fine now."_

_The doctor nodded sadly, giving his patient some time.  _

_"Wait," said Harry as he realized something, "When I saw that, I was outside.  I remember falling down a hill… Sirius followed me and helped me!"_

_"Black is dead!" the doctor hissed, tightening his hold on the coffee cup.  Regaining control, he said, "Accept it.  You led him into danger, and he is dead because of it.  You caused that, and if not for you, those boys would still be alive with their loving family, or are you going to try and convince me that they are alive like your godfather?  Another family is ruined, just like those Diggorys and your muggle relatives who never wanted the burden of having you.  All you do when you deny Black's death is bring pain to those who knew him.  Now tell me, do you wish to stop causing those around you to hurt?"_

_Harry nodded slowly, falling further under the weight of his guilt.  He didn't think he could stand again if he tried.  He was choking on suppressed sobs and curled himself into a ball on the floor.  He couldn't do this anymore.  It was too much to live with the guilt and confusion.  He knew that Sirius was alive somehow, but the doubt was overpowering, especially since his godfather had not even come to see him in this place.  Everyone else important to him had, if only once, but Sirius hadn't come at all._

_Without opening his eye, Harry heard the doctor walk in and begin talking again.  "If you would like help out of this situation, this life, I am qualified to do so.  I can help you be with Sirius Black and your parents again."_

_Was he saying what it sounded like he was?  Harry looked up at him and asked weakly, "You mean you are going to kill me?"_

_The doctor gave him a sad smile, which was as cold and unfeeling as the blue smile on his coffee cup.  "It is legal in the Wizarding world to die if you wish in the case that you are suffering.  Normally, it is meant in the physical sense if your condition will not improve.  However, if you feel that your life is such that it is too terrible to bear and will never get better, then it is your choice whether to end it or not.  I'll be waiting when you make a decision."_

_Harry just stared in shock, then slumped down and buried his face in his hands and cried silently.  Of course he felt guilty for everything that had happened because he was _him.  _However, did he really want to die because of it?  He never chose to be Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived.  Is it really his fault, as the doctor confirmed?  He cried himself to sleep in a corner of his little hospital room after the doctor left._

_~~~_

Harry opened his eyes when he was shaken awake.  He looked up into Sirius's eyes and tried to look away.  He couldn't though.  He was looking through Sirius's eyes and out the window of the door of his hospital room.  He could see people milling around outside his room.  Even as he stared the images faded.

"What…?" Harry started.  He knew once he woke up what had happened, or he thought he did.  He was sure he had one of those dreams again.  But he was less confused when he saw Sirius this time.  Somehow, seeing bits of the dream in Sirius's eyes made him realize that it was just that – a dream.

"Harry?  Are you alright?  Do you want me to go get Remus?" Sirius asked quietly.

Harry nodded, and Sirius's expression turned sad.  Harry knew that Sirius must think he didn't know if he was alive again, so he rushed to explain.  "Sirius, I know you're here."  The older man smiled again and looked relieved.  "I just have some questions, and I thought Remus might be able to help as well… I don't want many people to know about this though, but I have a feeling you're going to tell Professor Dumbledore anyway.  I'll explain when you come back."

Sirius nodded, looking a little unsure, and left the room.

Harry tried to calm his breathing from the nightmare and relax.  He hoped he could get some answers soon.  He was still in quite a bit of pain from his injuries, but he focused on his breathing to ignore it.  He had his eyes closed and was breathing methodically when Sirius and Remus entered.

"Hi, Harry.  How are you feeling?" asked Remus.

Harry opened his eyes and said, "I'm okay, I guess.  Well, my chest hurts a little, but it's not a big deal."  In fact the pain in his chest had been growing since he awoke, along with pain in his muscles all over.  It seemed that the two older men were beginning to understand Harry a little better, because they both reached for a potion and Harry took it without question.  They knew that he wouldn't say anything unless the pain was fairly severe.

They waited a few moments for the potions to work, and Harry visibly relaxed.

"Wow, I didn't know it hurt that much…"  Harry muttered to himself, but the other two heard as well and shared a sad look.  "Oh, stop it you two.  I get hurt all the time, it's no big deal."  Harry held up a hand to stop Sirius's protests.  "Never mind that for now.  I have some questions about dreams if it's ok…"  Harry was suddenly very nervous about the questions he needed to ask and the reactions of his family, being Sirius and Remus.

"Of course it's ok.  If we know the answers we'll be sure to tell you, and if we don't we'll find out.  Go ahead," urged Remus.

"Ok, erm… I heard once that if you die in a dream you'll die in real life.  Is that true?"

Sirius looked alarmed, so Remus decided to answer.

"I've heard that too, but it has never been confirmed.  When someone dies during their sleep, it's impossible to know if it was due to a dream or some other cause.  Why do you need to know, Harry?" Remus asked curiously.  Harry was glad that Remus was there.  The way he answered and asked questions like a professor made things easier to deal with.  Sirius tended to do everything from an emotional standpoint, whereas Remus seemed to have a scholarly interest.  

"Well… you know about my dreams right?" Remus nodded affirmatively.  "Well, I didn't tell you everything about them, Sirius… Er, do you know where my journal is?"  Sirius nodded, looking confused at the change of subject.  "Could you go get it?  I'll open it and let you read about the dreams… I had been writing all of them down.  This will make more sense if you know about the others."

"Alright, Harry, if you're sure.  I think it's still in yours and Ron's room.  I'll be right back."  Sirius left, closing the door behind him.

"Do you need anything, Harry?  Some water, perhaps?" asked Remus.

"Yes, please.  I'm a little hungry too, I think.  So, maybe later we can get something to eat?"

"Sure thing, I'm glad you're feeling hungry.  We've been giving you nutrient potions, but they aren't as good as the real thing.  They don't taste all that great either," Remus said with a smile.

Sirius came in and handed Harry his journal and a quill, already inked.  Harry wrote his password in and turned to the start of his dreams.

"Er, just so you know, I write a lot of random things in there… some of it might seem a little mental," he said with a nervous grin.

"Perfectly normal.  You should read my journal, completely nutters," reassured Remus.  Sirius nodded in agreement.  "And how would you know what my journal is like, Mr. Padfoot?"

"I – I only guessed, Mr. Moony.  Never read it or anything if that's what you're implying," Sirius answered with a wink to Harry.  Harry laughed lightly.  He couldn't get enough of their childish antics, especially when he was feeling a little uneasy.

Everyone quieted down and Sirius and Remus started reading the journal together.  They looked more upset with each entry.  Harry was having second thoughts as to whether he should have had them read it or not.  _Well, it's too late now, _he thought to himself.  _They're really going to think I'm truly crazy this time.  _

Harry waited, not quite patiently, for the two to finish.  He was exceedingly nervous to tell them about the latest dream.  This was by far the most he had ever revealed to anyone about what went on inside of him.  He told himself that he just needed to trust them.  Consciously, he knew they would never hurt him in any way, but he still had trouble trusting people, especially adults.  Having never had reasonable adult role models, he couldn't help but think that they were a bit useless for the most part.  He had only ever relied on himself, and things tended to work out more or less ok.  However, the night at the Ministry had changed that thinking somewhat.  He knew that if he had counted on adults to handle things, he wouldn't have put everyone he loved in danger.  Of course, because of adults he didn't know what was going on or the severity of his visions until it was too late.

Movement out of the corner of his eye cut off his train of thought.  They were finished reading and didn't look too happy.

"Why didn't you tell anyone about these?" asked Sirius in an anguished voice.

"I did, I told you," Harry replied indignantly.

"You hardly told me anything about this!  You said you were confused.  You said that in your dreams people didn't know I was alive.  You never said that you had been committed and some psycho doctor was keeping you locked up!  You never said that everyone had just left you there.  Why?"

Harry fidgeted in the bed.  "I didn't want to bother you with it.  I had told you what was wrong… I was confused.  I didn't think I needed to say anymore than that."  Very quietly he added, "I was embarrassed or ashamed or something..." Harry had never been very good at revealing his negative feelings, other than anger.

Before anyone said anything else, Sirius leaned down and gave Harry a surprisingly gentle, but meaningful, hug.  They sat that way for some time.  Then Sirius sat back on the bed facing him where Remus joined the two.

"Why did you need us to read this now?" asked Remus.

"Well, it's gotten… a little worse.  Although, this time when I woke up I knew that it had been a dream.  I knew Sirius was real as soon as I saw him.  But I also saw part of the dream in his eyes.  It's gone now, but you know the window in my door in the dreams?"  They nodded.  He had described it in detail in his journal and how he tried to break it or shout through it, but the only person who ever acknowledged him was the doctor.  He forced himself to stop thinking about that and continued, "Well, when I looked in Sirius's eyes when I woke up, it was like I was looking through that window.  So, the dream and real world were the same or something.  Arg, I'm getting of the topic.  I wanted to know what would happen here if I died in the dream."

"Why do you need to know this?  What happened in your last dream?"

"The doctor… he said that he could help me if I wanted out of my situation, my life.  He said that I was allowed to chose whether I live or die.  I don't want to die, I know that here.  But in there, it's so hard.  He says things and they make sense.  Like about Dennis and Colin and Cedric… and you, Sirius.  I know it's my fault, but I don't want to die I don't think.  But if it stops anyone else from… I just don't know.  What do I do?" he asked in a small voice.

"Oh, Harry, it's not your fault.  None of that is.  It's the fault of a maniac who thinks he's above everyone just because he's willing to do despicable things.  You are not at fault at all.  Don't listen to that doctor, or whoever he is.  It's just a dream, Harry," Sirius said, trying to stay calm.

"I know that, Sirius.  I know, now, that it's just a dream.  I know he's not right, at least about the part that I should die.  I have to kill Voldemort first, but it doesn't help to point that out here when I'm awake.  I need to know that when I'm dreaming.  When I'm in that hospital with the doctor.  It's like I'm drowning and you're describing the water to me.*  Knowing here and in the dream are two different things.  Is there any way you can help in there?" Harry asked timidly.  He didn't ask for help often or easily, but he knew that he needed some here.  He felt himself starting to consider the doctors offer in that last dream.  He didn't want to take the chance that he would still be alive here if he died there.  It was too much to think about right now.  He scrubbed his face with his hands and sighed.

"I'll do whatever I can for you, kiddo.  I'm not sure what, but I'll do something," Sirius answered smiling.

  "I think I know something that might help," said Remus, who had remained quiet during the rest of the discussion.

Both Harry and Sirius motioned for him to continue.

"Well, there is a spell that allows two people to share a common dream.  Harry, you will have to cast it on Sirius and invite him.  I've never done it, so I'm not sure how it works, but we could ask Albus more about it."

Slowly, Harry nodded.  It sounded like a good idea.  They would need a plan of some sort, but Harry was sure that wouldn't be a problem with all of them thinking on it.  Although, he really didn't like the idea of telling Professor Dumbledore everything.

"When will Professor Dumbledore be here?" asked Harry.

"There is a meeting later tonight.  We will ask him to talk after it's over.  Is that alright with you?" asked Remus sensing Harry's nervousness.

"Yeah… So, what happened with your house the other night?  No one ever told me."  Harry was obviously changing the subject, but he did genuinely want to know about the raid.

Sirius and Remus gave each other a look, Harry wasn't sure what it meant, but he figured it was somewhat important.

Sirius said, "That's nothing you need to worry about, kiddo."

"But you'll tell me anyway, right?"  Harry asked, then grumbled, "I thought everyone wasn't going to withhold information from me anymore."

Sirius sighed, "Fine.  Besides, you won't stop bugging us about it until you know, right?  Yeah, Hagrid told me how you are with questions you don't necessarily need to know."  Sirius sounded annoyed, but his smile and glittering eyes told Harry that it was nothing short of what he expected.

Remus decided to tell the tale, since it was his house involved.  "Well, Sirius and I went to the house and gathered what we could, but it had to look lived in, so we couldn't take everything.  We copied a few of the pictures that were hanging up and some other mementoes I had.  Anything of value they probably thought I would have in my Gringott's vault anyway, so I took what I could.  I left all the robes and clothes that I wasn't wearing, and anything else that wasn't necessary.  When the Death Eaters came, they were satisfied to break and burn everything left.  So, it all worked out alright."  Remus had explained everything nonchalantly, like he was going over the habitat and habits of some magical creature in class.

Harry just stared at him with his mouth gaping.  "So, your house is gone?  Everything you left is burnt?"

"Yes, but it's alright.  I didn't have anything worth much there anyhow," Remus explained, but Harry could sense the loss of his private sanctuary.

"No, it's not alright.  It's because of me –"

"Harry," Sirius tried to cut him off, but Harry wouldn't have it.

"Listen.  They wouldn't have looked for your house if they didn't think I was there or if I didn't know you.  It's a fact.  I'm going to replace what I can.  It's not up for discussion, Moony.  It's not charity or anything else you might be thinking of not to take it.  What if I borrowed a book from you and carelessly tore out some pages or burned it or made it otherwise unusable.  You would expect me to replace it, correct?"  Harry wasn't sure where this authoritativeness was coming from, but it felt good and he wasn't going to let them stop him.  "I have effectively made your things unusable.  I know it wasn't me directly, but I doubt you're going to get much from Voldemort.  So, I will start with buying you some new clothes and robes.  Alright?"

The two men were stunned.  For many minutes neither moved, nor made a sound.  Finally, Sirius broke out laughing so hard that he rolled off the bed.  This brought Remus out of his stupor and he chuckled lightly along with his friend.  Harry was confused, to say the least.  He expected his offer to be rejected, argued, heck even pitied.  But humorous?  He didn't know what they found so funny about what he wanted to do and said as much.

"Har-Harry, it's not the offer that's funny," Sirius gasped out, trying to gain control of himself enough to talk.  "It's just, you're so remarkably James and Lily, both of them.  It was just a little mind boggling to see them both coming out of you at the same time.  You have James's determination and Lily no-nonsense way of arguing.  She even used to use that exact phrase 'it's not up for discussion' on Moony all the time."  Sirius started laughing again.  Remus just shook his head with a large smile on his face.

"Alright, Harry," said Remus.  "I'll take you up on that offer.  I'm starting to feel myself getting dusty wearing robes we've found around the house."

Harry smiled.  They were letting him do something useful and he was grateful.  And hungry he suddenly remembered when his stomach growled.  This only served to further incapacitate Sirius as he laughed on the floor.

Remus ignored his best friend and turned to Harry, "Are you feeling up to a walk to the kitchen, or do you want us to bring you something?"

"I think I'd like to get up if it's not too much trouble," Harry responded.

"No trouble at all, Harry," Sirius said as he got off the floor.

"I don't know if I want to baby-sit Padfoot, here, while we eat though," said Remus with a surprisingly straight face. 

Sirius put on his best pathetic, puppy-dog look and said, "Pwease, Moony, I wanna come too."

That managed to crack the serious faced lycanthrope into giggles as he said, "Insanity.  Why do I surround myself with insanity?"

"You like company, Moony, why else?" said Sirius with a sarcastic grin.

Harry was laughing so hard that it hurt his already pained chest, but he didn't care.  He would gladly put up with a little pain if he could feel this way all the time.  It was wonderful seeing the two men before him act silly and childish after all the pain they had been through in life.  It not only gave him a sense of belonging and family, but also hope for his own future if he lived through the fulfillment of the prophecy.

With some pain, dulled due to the earlier potion, and more help than he'd like to admit, Harry was seated at the kitchen table with a plate of delicious, Mrs. Weasley cooked, food.  He savored every bite and found his stomach full far before his taste buds wanted to be finished.  With a sigh he sat back and smile slightly.  It had been a good day after he awoke from that dream, and he didn't want to ruin it for himself or Sirius and Remus.  They had been laughing and joking light-heartedly for hours now.  Harry didn't want to worry them more than he already did.  He focused on holding his face and emotions in check, even though he was slowly sinking in the sea of guilt he'd been avoiding since the Creevey's were murdered.

Some of what he was feeling must have come through, however, because Ginny approached with a sympathetic look.  He didn't want pity from her or anyone else.  He just wanted to be left alone; it was only a matter of time before the Headmaster would make him talk about everything that happened.  The only reason he hadn't yet was because Harry had heard he was extremely busy at the time.  Although, if he was coming tonight for a meeting, then to help with his dreams, he knew that he would have to talk about it.  

His thoughts returned to the redhead when she placed a hand on his good shoulder.  

"Can we talk for a bit?" she asked quietly.

Harry looked around.  They were separated from the others at the table by a few spots, since many people had come and gone already.  Harry nodded, not really wanting to say anything.  He wasn't sure what she wanted to talk about, and he didn't want to say anything about how bad he felt if she hadn't really seen it first.

"Harry, I don't know everything that happened… no one does, but it wasn't your fault."  Harry continued to look down at his half empty glass of pumpkin juice.  _Should it be half full?_ He wondered.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Ginny. Of course it's not my fault.  You don't have to waste your time telling me that."  He wanted to reassure her and get out of this conversation.

"The others may not see it, but I do.  I know Sirius and Remus do too, but Ron and Hermione and some of the others can't.  They don't know what it's like to feel responsible for someone else's pain."  She was speaking softly and playing mindlessly with a napkin under the table, showing she was more nervous to bring this up than she appeared.

"And you know what it's like?" he hissed angrily.  He immediately regretted it as her face shadowed and she turned away slightly.  "I'm sorry.  I know you do… I just forget sometimes.  But even then, he used you to get to me.  It's my fault that you had to experience any of that."

"No, Harry, it isn't.  It's Lucius Malfoy's fault that I got the diary, and it's Tom Riddle's fault for doing what he did.  I won't lie and say that I couldn't do anything, because I could have.  I could have stopped writing in it or told someone that it was writing back, but I didn't.  But this is different, Harry.  You didn't even know that they were in trouble until it was happening.  You did nothing to cause it, and you couldn't have done anything differently.  It's hard, I know it is, but you have to accept it's not your fault."  She was staring intently at him and he couldn't look away from the intensity in her gaze.  Finally, she glanced away and spoke again.  "I think you're supposed to get back to bed.  I'll be around," she said with a small smile and left the room.

Sirius and Remus, who had been speaking with Mr. Weasley, walked over to Harry with smiles on their faces.

"So, what have you and Ginny been discussing?" asked Sirius with a smirk.

"Nothing that you need to know," replied Harry.  He knew they would think it was something else, but he didn't really feel like having the whole guilt conversation again.  "Is it time for me to go back to bed?" he asked before anymore Ginny questions could be raised. 

"Yep, Mrs. Weasley was not too happy that we had you up earlier than Madam Pomfrey said, but she calmed down once she saw how much you ate."  Sirius and Remus both grinned.  He had the feeling that they probably persuaded Mrs. Weasley for a while before she let them off without punishment.  Adults or not, no one wants to cross the over-motherly woman.

Harry slowly pushed himself up off his chair and held the table for a few minutes to catch his breath and stop the room from tilting.  He felt much more tired than when they had come down earlier, but he was reluctant to continue to show his weaknesses.  He kept telling himself it didn't matter to anyone in the house, but it didn't seem to improve his attitude on the subject.

Sirius and Remus must have noticed his dilemma or something, because they each held an arm and placed a hand on his back for support.  They slowly helped him out of the kitchen and up the stairs.  All of this was done without a word about it, but there was plenty of banter back and forth to compensate.  About halfway up the stairs Harry needed to stop.  He was leaning almost completely on Sirius now.  Remus was on the side that had gotten injured.  

"You ok, kid?" asked Sirius hiding the concern he was feeling rather poorly.

"Yeah, just need a minute.  Sorry," Harry mumbled.  He was having a hard time catching his breath, and his chest hurt even when taking shallow breaths. 

"You have nothing to be sorry about, Harry.  We never stop to admire the fine carving on this banister anyway," joked Remus while watching Harry carefully.  Harry forced a smile and tried to laugh.

"I think I'll just stay here, ok you guys?  I'll just sit for a while."  The shallow breaths were making Harry lightheaded and he didn't want to fall down the stairs and add more injuries and worry.  He swayed as he tried to lower himself down and Sirius held him fast.

"Woah, why don't we just help you to bed.  I'll float you there so it won't be so rough, alright?"

Harry made some noise, but he wasn't sure what it was.  He really just wanted to make the pain stop and go to sleep.  He pressed his hand against his chest in an involuntary attempt to ease the pain.  He noticed Remus look at his watch and flinch slightly.

"I'm sorry, Harry.  It's about twenty minutes past your last potion time.  We'll give it to you as soon as we get you safe in bed."  Remus walked ahead of the floating Harry to open doors, while Sirius brought up the rear with his wand pointed at his godson.

They put Harry in his bed and gave him the potion straight away.  A few minutes later he was breathing easier and some color returned to his pale cheeks.  He closed his eyes and swallowed automatically when another cup was put to his mouth.  The last thing he felt before he fell asleep was someone tucking in the blanket around him.

***

**A/N: ** Hi again, I keep doing two of these.  Anyhoo, I just wanted to apologize for any really bad errors in this chapter.  I've been sort of scatter brained as I wrote and edited it, sorry!


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: **ugh… see some other chapter, I don't have the energy tonight… alright, alright, I don't own.  Good enough?  Oh yeah, and there are lines from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (1999).  If you need the full citation you shouldn't be reading this fic, or you can email me.  : )

**A/N:**  Hello all.  A little quicker than last time, but not much.  I hope it's alright, I'm actually pleased with the way it came out.  I hope you agree.  : )  I wrote pretty much all of it tonight and did partial proofing.  (I hate mistakes but I'm tired and hungry and if I put this off it won't get posted for another week!)  

**Chapter 13:  August 13th **

Harry was in the middle of a very restful and dreamless sleep when he was being roused by someone.  All he wanted to do was continue the blissful sleep that hadn't been absent of dreams for a long time without aid of a potion.  Eventually, he heard voices.

"… give him a dreamless sleep potion?" asked an aged voice.

"No, just a mild sedative.  He's waking up now, just a little slower than usual."  Remus's voice is what Harry decided, and the older voice was Professor Dumbledore.

"Come on, Harry, you need to wake up for a bit, then you can go back to sleep.  Ok?" Sirius requested softly.

"Mmm wake," Harry mumbled.  He heard low chuckling in the room.  He forced his eyes open and looked at the three older men gathered around him.  Harry tried to hide a yawn from the Headmaster, thinking it rude, but he was fairly unsuccessful and earned himself another chuckle from the old wizard.  "Is the meeting over?"

"Yes, it is.  We've brought Albus to help with the dream spell.  We filled him in on what was happening already.  Was that alright?" his godfather asked carefully.

"Yeah, it's ok.  What do we have to do?" Harry asked Dumbledore.

"Actually, before we start on that, could you tell me what you saw concerning the young Creevey brothers?" Dumbledore asked in a gentle voice.

Harry looked down at the bed.  He didn't want to talk about that right now.  He wanted to do this spell so he'd be able to get some decent sleep.  He didn't think he'd be able to concentrate on that after talking about what he saw.  Although, he was smart enough to know that Dumbledore wasn't going to just drop it and move on, so he tried to clear his mind and organize the memories of his last vision.  

He started speaking in a monotone, like he was reading a narrative and it wasn't actually real.  As long as he stayed detached from it all it wasn't so painful.  He told everything from the unknown owl in the attic to running out onto the street.  Then he stopped and smiled faintly.  "When Lestrange brought in Colin, he just stood proud.  He didn't beg or even say anything Voldemort wanted him to admit.  He had complete faith in us, Professor.  You and I were his greatest heroes.  He told that to Voldemort's face and didn't take it back even while he was under the Cruciatus Curse.  Voldemort told him… he told him that he was there because…"  Harry's blank façade cracked.  His voice was choked off and tears streamed unnoticed down his cheeks.  Sirius put an arm around him, and Harry leaned his head on the older man's shoulder.  After he'd collected himself briefly he went on.  "He and Dennis were only chosen because of how they've always been fans of mine and looked up to me.  Voldemort said that he wouldn't have bothered with muggle-borns like them, because they weren't any threat to him.  He only took them because they knew me."  Harry curled further into Sirius's robes and cried silently while staying absolutely still.

Harry had no idea how long he stayed like that or whether he remained awake or not, but when he pulled away from Sirius, he noticed that Dumbledore and Remus were gone.  Sirius was still holding him like he'd done so many times in the past couple weeks.  He was running his fingers through Harry's hair in a very calming manner.  Harry suddenly realized that he hadn't washed his hair for quite some time and pulled away.

"Don't want to get your hands dirty, Padfoot.  I need a shower like a muddy dog," Harry smirked.

Sirius laughed and replied, "Nah, as long as your hair isn't as greasy as Snape's I can handle it."  He disentangled himself from Harry and the blankets that someone had thrown over them and sat on a chair next to the bed.  He began stretching none too gracefully and Harry laughed when he shook his head like a wet dog.

"What are you laughing at kid?" said Sirius with a half smile.

"Oh, I was just thinking that it's obvious that your animagus form is a dog, not a cat."  Harry just chuckled as Sirius tried to figure out if that was an insult or a compliment.

Harry started to get out of bed and wobbled while he stretched.  He felt an arm at his back steadying him and smiled faintly.  It really was nice to have people who cared, no matter what Harry thought he deserved or the danger in which it put them.  Sirius wasn't going anywhere, and for better or worse, that was a comforting thought.

"Where do you think you're going?" his godfather asked as Harry made his way to the door.

"I was hoping to take a shower, or at least wash up a little," replied Harry.

Sirius looked him over and asked, "Will you be alright in there?  I don't want you to fall and hurt yourself."

Harry tried not to look too horrified as he declined help.  "I'll be fine.  You don't need to come in there or anything… just go get something to eat or whatever for a while."

Sirius grinned, "Awe, is the boy-who-lived embarrassed to have his godfather see him without clothes?  How cute.  Seriously though, I used to changed your diapers, get used to it.  Don't worry, I won't come in with you, but I will stick around if you need anything.  Alright?"

"Ok, but I don't need any help.  I'm feeling tons better," assured Harry.

"Yeah, but you haven't been standing for very long.  Anyway, just promise an old man that you'll ask for help if you need it?" pleaded Sirius.

Harry sighed and ground out, "Fine, I'll call you if I need to.  Now, may I please go clean myself?"

Sirius smiled again and led Harry to the bathroom, making a fuss checking if there were towels and shampoo.  When he was finally satisfied he left and Harry closed the door with an irritated sigh.  The sour expression on his face quickly turned to a smile.  No matter how irksome the overprotective nature of his godfather became, he could never stay that way.  

Harry finished drying and dressing himself in the bathroom after successfully taking a shower without help.  He was trying to get his thoughts back under control before he went back to Sirius and Remus.  They could always tell when something was wrong.  He found his thoughts drifting while under the hot water, though, and that was never good.  It was the first time he'd really been alone since the Creeveys died.  The knowledge that their deaths were solely based on knowing him was finally sinking in.  It had been so long since he'd touched a blade or anything sharp.  Granted, he'd been injured for a few days and that was plenty pain, but it was different.  He hadn't had the energy or opportunity to think of his habit before now, and it scared him how easily the feelings came back.  The need for release from everything.  The guilt was overwhelming.  Harry stood there just staring at a spot on the wall.  He couldn't move in any direction.  If he left the bathroom, he'd lose his only chance to cut.  But if he gave in, what would Sirius think?  He knew he couldn't hide it from him.  Pomfrey was still coming regularly to check for any kind of injury.  She would find any cut easily, no matter where it was.  

Harry looked down and saw that he had an old razor in his hand.  He had no idea how it got there, but two of the drawers were open and brushes, hair ties, toothpaste, and other various items were scattered on the floor.  His breathing came quick as he picked up everything and threw it back in the drawers.  He still held the blade.  What was he supposed to do?  It was too tempting.  He leaned back into the wall, but it was further away than he'd thought, and he hit the solid surface hard.  The impact triggered a coughing fit, and Harry leaned over the sink.  Through the haze of his coughs his mind seemed to come back from wherever it had been and he hastily dropped the razor into a drawer and slammed it shut.  

He swallowed some water and steadied his breathing before gathering his things and leaving the bathroom.

Sirius was in the hall looking slightly concerned.  

"Hey, kiddo, you ok?  I heard you coughing in there."

"Yeah, I'm good, Sirius.  I'm feeling a lot better," Harry told him.  It was true.  He felt like he'd accomplished something by throwing the blade away without so much as a nick.  The need was still there, but not as overpowering and oppressive as it had been.  He had someone to talk to.  Sirius wasn't going to leave him.  He already knew that secret and hadn't left him yet.  Harry knew he could talk to his godfather about what had just happened, but he didn't want to right now.  It was still too fresh, and his mood was rising.  He didn't want to pull it down so soon.

Harry gave Sirius a one-armed hug (his bathing supplies were in the other hand) and Sirius returned it.  The man seemed to know that something had happened in the short time since he'd seen his godson, but he was content to just walk back to Harry's room with him.

When they arrived Harry saw Remus and Professor Dumbledore in the room chatting quietly.  He set his things down and sat on the bed, leaving the last chair for Sirius.  The others stopped talking and turned to Harry.

"Erm… hi," he greeted shyly.  He didn't really know why he needed to be shy around these men, they'd all seen him at his worst before.

"Good morning Mr. Potter," said Dumbledore.  Harry was confused, he didn't think it was morning, although his sleep habits had been odd since everything happened.  Dumbledore smiled and seemed to read his mind.  "It is three fifteen in the morning, Harry.  I'm afraid you'll have to get back into a normal sleep routine once you're completely healed again.  Do you know why I'm here tonight?"

"Yes, sir.  The dream spell, right?" said Harry nervously.  He wasn't sure he could do that right now, not after what had just happened in the bathroom.  He didn't know how to make Sirius see what he wanted him too and not some random dream or nightmare.

"That's correct, Harry.  The spell has a simple incantation, which you must speak as you're falling asleep.  This will be the difficult part.  You will have to hold Sirius's hand and say "_Invito Alucinor_" while concentrating on bringing Sirius into your dream.  Do you understand?"

Harry nodded.  "Yes, but don't I need my wand?"

"No, you won't.  I will perform a sleeping charm on you both, which will provide any energy needed.  It is your trust that will allow the spell to work.  The more you trust the person you are inviting, the better the spell will work.  It would not work very well if you tried with young Mr. Malfoy, for example.  Are you both ready?  Sirius, you will need to lay next to Harry and hold his hand."  Sirius climbed onto the bed and got comfortable, then grabbed Harry's hand loosely.  "Now, Remus will tie your hands with a charmed cord.  Don't worry, it doesn't need to be tight.  The cord only ensures that your hands remain together so the bond isn't broken.  You two should sleep the length of time you normally do each night.  Harry, you might sleep longer than usual because you are still recovering, but, overall, there shouldn't be anything unusual."  

Harry nodded his understanding and turned to look at Sirius, still as nervous as before the Quidditch Cup, but without the excitement.

Sirius gave him a reassuring smile and squeezed his hand gently.

Harry wanted to ask him again if he would throw Harry into St. Mungo's after seeing his insane dream, but decided against it.  Instead, he tried to focus on positive thoughts, like the fact that he might get rid of those horrible dreams.

Dumbledore pointed his wand at Harry, then Sirius, repeating, "_Dormito!_"

Harry felt his lids beginning to droop and quickly said the spell Dumbledore had told him earlier.  He didn't know if it worked or not, but didn't have time to ponder, because he was already asleep.

_~~~_

_Harry was definitely in his dream, because he was back in the little room in the hospital.  No one was around, but he could hear people outside the door.  There was arguing and shouting.  Finally, it was silent and the door opened.  _

_"Sirius!" Harry cried.  He got up and hugged the man for all he was worth._

_"Harry."  Anguish, regret, and relief all existed in that one word.  "I'm so glad you're alright.  Should we get you out of here now?"_

_Harry was confused.  The two realities were mixing again and he didn't know how to react.  He didn't have any doubts that this was his godfather and he was very much alive, but he didn't know if that automatically meant he wasn't crazy.  _

_"Don't we have to wait for the doctor to release me or something?  I mean, am I safe?"_

_"Safe from what, Harry?  Listen, you brought me here.  This is a dream, and we have to leave.  Remember, we did a spell so I could help you get out of here?"  Sirius looked worried now, and Harry didn't want to cause him to worry, but he was just so confused._

_"A dream.  Right.  Of course it's a dream.  Here you are, all alive and everything… it must be a dream.  But wait, you _are _alive, right?"_

_"Yes, I am.  This is only a dream, just remember that.  We're really back at headquarters.  Remus and Professor Dumbledore are with us."_

_"Remus threw me out."_

_"No, he didn't, Harry. That was all part of this dream.  Shit."  Sirius thought for a few minutes.  He seemed to be lost.  Then his eyes gleamed with determination again.  "Ok, I've thought of an idea.  I'll be right back."_

_Sirius left the room, and Harry curled up in a ball in the corner of his room.  He didn't know what was going on.  He thought he remembered something about a spell, but when he tried to focus and remember, it all slipped away.  He hadn't wanted Sirius to leave, dream or not, but he did and Harry was alone.  _

_"Sirius said he'd come back.  I believe him.  He doesn't lie, even if he is dead… or not.  Whatever!" Harry said aloud to himself._

_A few minutes later the door opened again and Sirius walked in with the doctor behind him.  Harry brightened at the sight.  Sirius hadn't lied.  He did come back._

_"Harry, are you alright?" Sirius asked after seeing him curled up in the corner._

_Before Harry could answer, the doctor spoke._

_"Mr. Potter, what do you think you're doing?" he asked in an angry voice._

_"I-I… what do you mean doctor?" Harry asked._

_"The nurses said that you've been having conversations with yourself and insisting that Mr. Black is here with you.  Now, I will have to silence you if any of this foolishness continues.  Is that clear?"_

_Harry nodded as his entire body trembled.  Sirius looked furious._

_"How dare you?" Sirius bellowed.  He ran at the doctor aiming to smash the man into the wall.  Both Harry and Sirius were shocked when he went right through him and hit the wall himself._

_Harry began shaking his head and repeating, "No, no, no," over and over again.  He didn't look up when Sirius called his name, he just kept shaking his head.  The doctor seemed pleased for some reason, but Harry didn't care.  This proved it.  Sirius was either a ghost, or Harry was well and truly crazy.  _

_He was startled when someone shook his shoulder.  He looked up into his godfather's eyes and crumbled.  Why was this happening?  If Sirius was dead, why did Harry believe so adamantly that he was alive?  And if he was alive, why didn't anyone else see him?_

_"Harry!" Sirius shouted in his ear.  Apparently he had been trying to get his attention for a while now._

_"Harry, I have a theory.  Listen to me, ok?  You said in your journal that you see a smiley face, right?" Harry nodded slightly, so the doctor wouldn't notice.  The man was talking to him, but he was paying attention to his godfather.  "Well, when I look at it, it has the Dark Mark on it."  Harry turned sharply and looked into his eyes.  There was no reason for Sirius to lie about something like that.  "Harry, I think this is somehow one of Voldemort's tricks.  Just trust me.  You need to get out of here.  I'll hold the door open.  You need to get past him and I'll try to hold the door closed while you get out, ok?  He can't hurt me in here.  He can't see me.  Ready?"  Harry nodded.  Sirius had been edging him around the corner of the room and now he was between the door and the doctor._

_Sirius opened the door and yelled, "Run!"  Harry took off, but wasn't quick enough.  The doctor grabbed the back of his hospital robes and held fast.  Harry was still pulling forward toward the door and had a sudden idea.  _

_He suddenly jumped backwards with all the effort he had and knocked the doctor to the floor.  _

_The doctor's coffee cup flew up and over Harry, hitting the doorframe.  The cup shattered and there was a cry of despair.  Harry turned to see the doctor literally melting into the floor and disappear.  The people outside the room also disappeared, then the room dissolved before their eyes._

_When the hospital room walls were gone, they were replaced by the stone walls of the Death Chamber in the Department of Mysteries._

_"No, not again," Harry muttered.  He knew this dream all too well.  He looked on as everyone dueled.  He saw himself with Neville and the prophecy.  He watched when Dumbledore came and rounded up everyone except Sirius and Bellatrix.  Finally, he watched his godfather fall through the veil again._

_A comforting hand was placed on his shoulder as he watched himself struggle against Remus.  He looked up into his godfather's face and saw a sad smile._

_"Come on, Harry.  You don't have to come here anymore.  I'm alive, free, and happy.  Let's go," said his Sirius._

_They made their way back to the dark room with rotating walls and opened the door in front of them.  The stepped out and into a graveyard._

_Sirius looked at Harry in surprise.  Harry closed his eyes.  He didn't need to see this again either.  His eyes opened on their own and he was forced to watch the entire scene again from portkey to portkey.  He was shaking severely and collapsed to the ground after watching his parents shadows._

_Sirius was sniffling as well.  Harry couldn't look at him.  He couldn't watch the pain that must have been on the man's face for his old friends.  _

_Gently his face was lifted with a soft hand to look in the eyes of his godfather.  The pain was there, even more than Harry imagined, but what shocked him was that the pain was for him.  All of the love and concern Sirius felt for Harry was locked in his face.  He continued to comfort Harry as he fell apart._

_"This isn't supposed to be happening," Harry whispered._

_"What isn't?" asked Sirius._

_"You're not supposed to see all of this.  It was just supposed to be the one dream, not all of this.  You shouldn't have to see this."_

_"Harry, you're showing me for a reason.  That's how the spell works.  I wouldn't be able to see anything you didn't trust me to see.  I'm sorry you have memories like this to relive.  If I could take it all away, I would."_

_"I believe you," Harry responded, although he didn't think it was true.  Sirius's words rang in his head and Harry was surprised that, yes, he did believe his words.  He knew that Sirius would take away any hurt if he could.  Harry would do the same for him.  Was that love?_

_The graveyard faded away.  They were surrounded by darkness._

_"Is it over?" Harry asked._

_Before Sirius could answer, they heard shouting surrounding them._

_"Lily, take Harry and go!  It's him!  Go!  Run!  I'll hold him off -"_

_The sounds of someone stumbling from a room – a door bursting open – a cackle of high-pitched laughter – _

_"Not Harry!  Not Harry!  Please – I'll do anything -"_

_"Stand aside, you silly girl.  Stand aside, now!"_

_"Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead –_

_"Not Harry!  Please… have mercy… have mercy…"_

_Shrill laughter, and a shout of, "Avada Kedavra!"_

_Bright green light overtook the darkness and Harry and Sirius fell in a pile on freshly cut grass._

_They were both shaking now.  Sirius was white as the clouds overhead and had tears streaming down his face.  Harry couldn't catch his breath.  Somewhere in his mind he recognized it as hyperventilating, but he wasn't concerned with that right now.  He wanted to know where they were and what they would see next, but he really just wanted to give up and not see anymore.  He didn't want to relive his entire life, but he didn't know how to stop the spell._

_"Are you ok, Sirius?" he asked tentatively.  He had no idea how hard that last memory must have been on his godfather.  To hear your best friend and his wife murdered by a lunatic…_

_"I'll be ok… it was just a shock I guess.  I didn't know you remembered that…  Are you ok?" he asked while hugging Harry tightly._

_"Yeah… I didn't ever remember that until I encountered dementors… erm, that's what I hear around them… I used to dream about the green light when I was little.  I knew it had something to do with their death, but I didn't know how.  Anyway, I don't know what we're doing here."  Harry realized they were at Privet Drive._

_Sirius looked at him cautiously.  "What happened here?" he asked nervously._

_Harry didn't answer.  He didn't know what they were about to see, but he didn't have a very good feeling about it.  _

_They saw a tiny boy with messy black hair run by being chased by a fat blond boy and several other bigger boys.  The small boy climbed a tree so he was out of reach of the others.  They retaliated by pelting him with small rocks and sticks._

_"Dinky-duddy-dums!  Why don't you and your little friends come have some treats!  I don't want you to waste away out there with all the energy you're using."_

_"Ok, mum," the fat boy called.  He turned to the small boy in the tree and smiled nastily.  "We'll see you later, Potter."_

_Harry and Sirius watched as the younger Harry climbed out of the tree.  The could see that he was about five years old and this didn't seem to be an odd activity at all._

_Aunt Petunia was waiting outside the door for all the boys to come in, and Harry approached her.  _

_"May I have a snack too, Aunt Petunia?" he asked politely._

_"Why would I waste perfectly good food on a little waste of space like you?  Get back to weeding the garden or you'll have no supper tonight," the horse-faced woman snapped._

_"Yes, Aunt Petunia," the small boy said quietly._

_A large beefy man came around from the back of the house.  _

_"Boy!" Uncle Vernon shouted.  "Get over here.  I refuse to waste my Saturdays mowing the lawn anymore.  You'll learn and do it from now on."_

_"But, Uncle Vernon, I can't reach the handle," pointed out the tiny Harry._

_"I've added one halfway down.  Are you trying to get out of your chores boy?  You are a bad child.  Do I need to punish you?" he asked menacingly._

_"No, Uncle Vernon, I'll mow the lawn."_

_"Stupid boy, I've just done it.  You'll do it next time.  For wasting my time, no supper tonight.  As soon as you're done with your aunt's weeding you'll go to your cupboard and stay there until I say.  Is that clear?"_

_"Yes, Uncle Vernon.  Uncle Vernon, why doesn't Dudley have chores?" Harry asked innocently._

_"Because his parents love him," was the short reply._

_"Did my parent love me?" he asked curiously._

_"What did I say about asking questions?"_

_"No asking questions," he said sadly._

_"That's right, you worthless disgusting freak.  You're parents are dead and we have to put up with you and your unnaturalness.  No one will ever love you.  You are a useless burden.  Enough talking, get in your cupboard."_

_"But I didn't finish weeding," Harry pointed out._

_"Whose fault is that, boy?  Get!"  Vernon shouted as he wrenched Harry by the arm into the house._

_The older Harry and Sirius followed them into the house and to the cupboard.  Little five-year-old Harry went inside, they followed, and Vernon locked the door.  Harry didn't know what to do.  He didn't want to be in this dream anymore.  He chanced a look at Sirius, who he had been avoiding through the entire scene so far._

_The rage on Sirius face could have given a dragon the chills.  _

_Harry didn't know what made him do it be he pictured a large hammer and it appeared in his hands.  He started banging on the cupboard door.  He ripped it to shreds, and there were splinters of wood all over the floor.  When all traces of the door were gone he wearily slumped to the ground._

_When he looked at the spot where the door had been, he didn't see the house beyond the cupboard that he had lived in for ten years of his life.  Instead, he saw his bedroom at Grimmauld Place.  He was still holding Sirius's hand, so he tugged on it and they crawled through.  _

_~~~_

Harry and Sirius opened their eyes at the same time and took in their surroundings.  Thankfully, they were awake and back where they started.

"Good morning," greeted Remus.  He leaned over and untied the cord that had bound their hands for the night.

"Morning, Remus," responded Harry.

Sirius didn't say anything.  He just stared at the blankets.  Harry didn't want to talk.  He didn't want to have whatever discussion Sirius thought they needed to have after what he saw.  He just wanted to be alone and forget about everything.  He got up and left the room.  No one tried to stop him.  He wandered the house, wondering where he should go.  He wanted to be alone, but not really.  He knew if he was alone, then Sirius would come and make him talk.  He also know that the craving in the back of his mind would make itself known again like it had in the shower the previous night.  

He followed giggling voices and came to Ginny and Hermione's room.  Ron and the twins were also there.

"Harry!" they all chorused together.  He smiled at them, only a little forced.

"So, what are you up to?  You look much better today," commented Hermione.

Harry hadn't even realized that the pain was almost gone from all of his injuries.  "I just woke up.  What are you guys doing?" He felt a little silly in his pajamas, but noticed that Ron and the twins were similarly dressed.

"We're discussing new inventions for the shop," said Fred.

"We'd love your advice," added George.

"We're thinking about singing deodorant."

"It works and smells like the normal stuff,"

"but when you raise your arm it makes your armpit start singing."

"It's the perfect prank for those know-it-alls in class!"

Hermione slapped them both on the knee.  "That's cruel."

"Oh, but we wouldn't let anyone do it to you Hermione," said Fred with a wink.

"Yeah, we'll put a warning label on it.  "Not to be used on Hermione Granger."  See, it's perfectly fine."

Harry laughed.  His friends were awfully good at bringing his mood up.  He really enjoyed when they didn't ask him difficult questions when he was quieter than usual.  It seemed they were learning to read him better and knew when he needed to just sit and listen to all of them, but not necessarily input much to the conversation.

He took pleasure in their company until lunch, when everyone ate together.  He kept avoiding the glances from Sirius and Remus.  He'd accepted the fact that he would have to talk to them, but he really just didn't want to.  He knew it was childish, but damn it, he never got to be the child.  He always had to do the grown up thing.  He felt he'd earned the right to pout for a while.  Of course, after finishing those thoughts, he felt even more foolish and decided it would be better to get it out of the way.  Then everything could go back to normal… or whatever normal was for him.

He excused himself from the table with a glance at Sirius who followed.  He walked to his room in silence and sat on the bed.  One of the blankets had a very interesting geometric pattern sewn into it.

Sirius sat down in his usual chair next to the bed.  He seemed to be uncomfortable, but determined to have this little talk session.

Harry wanted to say something.  He wanted to tell him that everything was fine now.  He was ok.  He had an alright life, except for the whole psychotic mass murderer part.  He wanted to say anything to reassure his godfather that he was ok, but instead all that came out was, "I'm sick of being the patient."

Sirius looked up sharply and nodded.  "I know.  I'm sor-"

"It's not your fault," Harry cut in.  "Nothing is your fault, so don't be sorry about it.  Look, I know there was some weird stuff in that dream, but it's ok.  You don't have to talk to me about it.  I'm fine now.  You figured out that the doctor was some sort of Voldemort influence and got me out of there.  Thank you."  Harry tried to make it sound final, but Sirius wasn't going for it.

"I'm glad we got that sorted out for you," Sirius said.  "I just wanted to know if you wanted to talk about the other parts."

"No, I'm fine."

"Just answer some questions then.  Humor me."  He cleared his throat.  "Did you believe your uncle?"

"About what?  I've lived with him most of my life and heard lots of things."

"You know what I mean," Sirius said, clearly frustrated.  He calmed himself and asked, "Did you believe him when he said that no one would love you?"

Harry stayed quiet for a long time.  Of course he believed him.  He was a freak, why would anyone love him?  He didn't really understand the point of the question.  He didn't need anyone to love him.  He'd lived the last fifteen years without it, why was it important now?  _Ah, _a nagging voice in his head said, _last night you wondered if Sirius loved you, because you know that he will never leave you._

"Yeah, I guess I did.  I was five, what else was I supposed to believe?  He took care of me and had all the answers.  Dudley was perfect, I was a freak.  Dudley was loved, I wasn't.  It wasn't that confusing for a five-year-old."

Sirius swallowed, "Do you still believe that?"

Harry was getting sick of this conversation.  It was pointless.  He didn't want to talk about any of this.  What did it have to do with anything?  Knowing Harry lead to death.  He knew Sirius knew that, so why would he wonder if Harry believed he could be loved?  It was silly.  It was irrelevant.  Harry was meant to kill Voldemort or die.  Anyone close to him would likely die.  Harry didn't think you could love someone without being close, so it seemed like a simple argument.  Harry couldn't be loved, because no one could get close, because they would just get killed.  The truth was that his uncle was right, he was a freak.  Why didn't Sirius understand that?  Harry's thoughts were slammed out of mind with two small sentences from his godfather.

"Harry, it's not true.  I love you," Sirius said in a steady voice full of honesty and hope.

Harry just stared at him in confusion.  It wasn't possible.  Why would Sirius say something like that?  

"Did you hear me?  I love you, Harry.  I love you like you're my own son."  His voice was louder this time and more vehement.  

Harry just shook his head and didn't say anything.

"I love you, Harry.  You mean everything to me."

Harry kept shaking his head.  He couldn't take this.  He didn't know what Sirius was doing, but he didn't like it.  

"Go away," Harry mumbled.

"I can't.  I love you too much to leave you alone."

"Why are you saying that?" Harry practically shouted.

"Because it's true," Sirius said simply.

"It's not.  It can't be true.  People don't love me, they just don't.  Some might think I'm some stupid hero or something, but I'm not and it's not true.  But nobody is supposed to love me."

"Why not?  You're kind, intelligent, funny, thoughtful, fun to be with, brave, determined-"

"I'm not!" Harry interrupted.  "I'm ungrateful… worthless… just a tool – prophecy tool or house-cleaning tool… he was right, I'm just a lousy freak."

"Harry, listen to me."  Sirius pulled Harry's face around so they were eye to eye.  "You are loveable.  I love you, Remus loves you, Ron and Hermione love you.  Not to mention the rest of the Weasleys.  Harry, so many people care about you for you, not for what you're supposed to be to the rest of the world.  To the rest of the world I'm an escaped criminal!  Granted, I've been cleared, but that doesn't mean people changed what they've thought for the last fifteen years.  What matters is what you and Remus think of me.  And what you need to know is that those of us lucky enough to know you love you.  We love Harry, not the Boy-Who-Lived.  You aren't banned from love.  I don't care what that… _uncle_ of yours said.  He was cruel and blind not to see what he had in front of him.  I almost feel sorry for what he'd missed out on in loving you."

Harry calmed down some, but still didn't believe Sirius's words.  "You're only saying this because of what you saw."

Sirius sighed.  "That's partially true, but let me tell you why.  I just assumed you knew that I loved you.  It never really occurred to me to say it until I saw that memory.  Do you ever see Ron and Ginny say they love each other?" Harry shook his head.  "Do you think that means they don't?  No, they just know that they do and it's enough for them.  I'm sorry I've been so ignorant about this.  I always just figured you knew.  It was an error in judgment.  I very bad one, but I'm saying it now so everything's clear.  I love you."

Harry nodded slightly.  He was shivering.  He didn't know if he was cold or just shaking from the effort of continuing this conversation.  Sirius covered him with a warm blanket.  The shaking reduced.  

He looked back on the thoughts he had the previous night.  Sirius was there for him and would never choose to leave.  Harry was sure of that.  He'd done things for Harry that not even Mrs. Weasley had.  He was starting to believe the words a little more.  Sirius had gone to the Ministry to save Harry.  He was willing to die for him.  Most convincing of all, Sirius had never lied to him.  Harry knew he wouldn't lie about something this important.  

He took a shuddering breath to clear his head a bit and concentrated on his feelings for Sirius.  He was certain he loved him, but could he say the words?  They were just little words.  Yet, they held so much meaning.  So much of Harry could be destroyed with those words.  What if Sirius was just joking?  What if it was just one of his pranks?  If Harry said the words he might horrify his godfather and chase him away.  

He shook his head quickly.  It wasn't a joke.  He wouldn't joke about this.  Why was this so hard?  He'd heard Ginny say it to Mrs. Weasley a few times.  It just seemed to roll off her tongue.  Why was it so easy?  He had to do it.  He had to say it.  After all Sirius had done for him, he needed to tell him how he felt.  He was crushed when he thought he was dead and didn't get to tell him how important he was.

He looked up and got Sirius's attention.  He tried a shaky smile and gave it up.  "Sirius… I-I love you…"  What now?

"Harry, I'm so happy you said that.  Are you sure you wanted to?  I just want to make sure you were ready.  If you don't think you are, it's ok, but I'm so happy you did.  What do you think?" he asked uncertainly.

"I think it was the hardest thing I've ever said," he laughed with a choked off sob.  Sirius gave a watery smile and nodded.  "But I'm glad I did, I think… I'm sure I do… you know… love you, but it's so weird saying it.  I just never thought I would… I wasn't expecting this when I fell asleep last night."

Sirius smiled.  "Neither was I, but I'm glad we talked.  You know, I haven't said those words very many times either.  Certainly never to any of my family, nor they to me.  I said it first to your dad, Remus, and-and Peter…  I thought your dad was nutters when he was trying to get me to say it.  I didn't know what he was thinking.  I'm glad he did though.  He let me wait till I was ready, but he still had a way of being insistent about it."  He chuckled at the memory.

Harry smiled and yawned.  He was exhausted from that discussion.  He'd been in bed so much lately that he didn't want to go to sleep.  He just wanted to relax for a while.

"Hey, Padfoot, want to play chess?" he asked.

"Sure, muggle or wizard?"

"Well, do you have a muggle board here?"

"Erm… not that I know of."

"Wizard chess it is," declared Harry.

A/N:  Hey look, I ended a chapter without sleeping Harry!  : )  Yes, I realize I'm an idiot.  Someone told me this is more 'angst' than 'general.'  I'd have to say I agree.  When I started the story it was only going to be a little angsty… well, look who's having an angst-fest!  So, I'm changing the category thingy to include angst.  Oh, if you're reading this in the future (today is March 24, 2004), please review.  I think it would be interesting in a couple years to get some random review email thingy about this story.  Anyway, I'm done now.  I need ice cream.


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: **still not mine.

**Chapter 14:  The rest of summer**

The days after his 'L-talk' with Sirius were both tense and uplifting for Harry.  He was constantly worried that Sirius would see his mistake and take back everything he'd said.  Intellectually, he knew his godfather wouldn't do that, but his emotions didn't seem to listen to the rest of his brain, an issue he spent a good half hour thinking about late one night until he got so frustrated he needed a strong calming tea to get to sleep.

Sirius made it easier on him though.  He seemed to understand that Harry didn't want anymore serious discussions for a while, but he let Harry know he was there for him when he needed.  He did small things, such as tucking Harry in at night and telling him he loved him.  He felt like a small child when that happened, but he didn't complain; it was all he'd ever hoped for when he was younger.  Harry knew it would take a long time to get used to hearing those words, but it was getting easier to hear every time.  

Getting three full night's rest in a row did wonders for his attitude also.  He became a little more active in the discussions between his friends, he was eating better, and he just felt better in general.  He had no idea how much the dreams were really getting to him until they stopped.  So far, Voldemort hadn't found another way in, yet, either.  Although, Harry had been taking small doses of dreamless sleep potion, because some scenes from the past still threatened his sleep.  

Perhaps the most positive part of the past few days was that Harry hadn't felt the overwhelming need to cut since the night before his and Sirius's joint dream.  He would think of something painful and the urge would be there, but he was able to push it away eventually.  This was one of the reasons he spent almost no time alone.  If someone had told him at the beginning of the summer that he would be with another person constantly, he probably would have hexed them.  However, it being his own choice, he was glad to have the company.  He wasn't naïve enough to think that just because he _hadn't _cut recently meant that he _wouldn't _cut if the desire and opportunity became too great.  

He hadn't told Sirius about the incident before the joint dream, because he didn't want to get into another deep conversation.  He wanted to be a normal teen and enjoy his summer holiday.  However, he felt guilty about keeping such a secret from his godfather after all of his support.  He promised himself that he would tell Sirius about it before they left for Hogwarts in a little over a week.

Currently, Harry was in the Drawing room with Ron working on the last of their homework.  While Hermione was astonished that they would even think of leaving it so late in the summer, Ron commented that this was before he usually started any of his summer work.  As predicted, this sent Hermione off on an hour long tirade about the importance of putting more effort into their studies.  Ron and Harry just exchanged amused glances when she wasn't looking.  When she finally finished, they politely informed her that she had spent an hour talking instead of working.  Flustered, she moved her things across the room and started editing an essay for the fourth time.

Harry and Ron had waited for their O.W.L. results to come before starting any summer work.  Hermione, who everyone knew passed every subject, had done all of the assignments earlier in the summer.  Personally, Harry didn't see any reason to do assignments for classes he may not take the next year, but Hermione insisted that it was a good learning experience anyway.  He nodded, but didn't say anymore on the subject.

Harry was finishing off his potions essay, on which he had worked surprisingly hard.  He'd been amazed that he received a high grade so that he could continue the class, but he didn't really look forward to the daily torments for another two years.  He was glad he made it, though, because his option for becoming an auror was still viable.  He wasn't decided on his future career yet (he was only sixteen for Merlin's sake!), but it felt good not to be blocked from a path in which he was at least somewhat interested.  

He had done very well in the subjects he needed and actually liked, except for Astronomy.  He liked the class well enough, but during the astronomy exam, Umbridge had tried to take Hagrid away, and McGonagall was hurt in the chase when she tried to protect him.  He'd managed an 'A' only because he did reasonably well on the theory portion.  

He was grateful that he achieved a 'P' in Divination so he wouldn't have to sit in that stifling tower listening to death predictions for two more years.  He was very pleased with his 'O' in Defense Against the Dark Arts and Charms and his 'E' in Transfiguration.  

He was amazed that he could do so well on schoolwork.  He'd never really put as much effort into his classes as he could, and he wondered if his marks would improve much if he did.  He wasn't a bad student, just not focused; he usually had more important things to worry about.  

The fact that he'd never had anyone care about his marks before also played a factor.  Hermione, of course, wanted him to do well, but he just saw that as her own perfectionism spilling into her concern for her friends.  The Dursleys certainly never cared about how he did in school.  In fact, if he came home with better results than Dudley, he was usually punished for cheating or 'showing up his poor misunderstood cousin.'  Harry once pointed out that if Dudley did his own homework, instead of bullying Harry to do it, the boy might have made better marks.  He learned quickly not to mention that again.

 Harry put down his quill and rubbed his eyes.  His hand hurt from writing so much, and his mind was mush from a day of homework.  He stretched accompanied by a wide yawn.

"Let's do something," he said.

Ron snorted, "Like what?"

"Not homework," Harry said flatly.

"Sounds good."  Ron took the opportunity to stretch his cramped muscles also and stood up.  Hermione agreed to stop for now since she was almost done with her revisions. 

They left the Drawing Room and went to the kitchen.  It was the most likely place that people would be, and they figured they deserved a bit of a snack after all their hard work.

Sirius and Remus were gathered around a tray of what looked like chocolate chip cookies.  Harry thought they smelled like the best thing in the world at that moment.  

"Did you make those, Moony?" he asked as they approached.

Sirius looked offended.  "Now, why do you automatically ask _him_?" he jabbed a finger at Remus.

"Er, because you seem more like a bread man?" Harry tried to say by way of an excuse.  He failed miserably when Remus snorted and Ron didn't even try to cover his laugh.  He could see the laughter in his godfather's eyes as well, and it made him happy to know he was regaining some of what he had lost in Azkaban.  

Sirius nodded, and with a straight face said, "That's right, and it's so good I'll be providing the rolls for the Welcoming Feast this year.  I've heard some of the house elves are extremely jealous."

Harry sighed dramatically.  "You just can't please everyone, can you?"

"No, no you can't," Sirius finished sadly.  He gave Harry, Hermione and Ron access to the tray, and asked, "So, what are you three up to anyway?  Given up on homework?"

"Yes," grunted Harry as he sat at the table.  Hermione gave him a cross look, but said nothing.  "Can we go out?" he asked after the other had settled.

Sirius looked thoughtful, and Remus shook his head.  "It isn't safe.  We'd need guards and Dumbledore's permission.  Not to mention emergency portkeys, lookouts, and check points need to be set up."

Harry groaned.  "If only we were muggles," he said as he flopped his head onto his crossed forearms on the table.

"No way!  Not to be able to do magic?  I can't imagine," protested Ron.

"It isn't that difficult, Ron.  It's just different to what you are used to," said Hermione matter-of-factly.

"I can imagine it now," said Harry looking up into some imagined sky.  "We don't have wands, but look, we can go outside without being attacked.  Oh, what was that?  Right, we can't travel in an instant, but at least we can go somewhere…"

"Prat," grumbled Ron.  "I know what you're saying.  I just wouldn't want to give up magic for a few hours of wandering around outside.  We'll be at Hogwarts in a week; we can walk the grounds all you want after that."

"You're right, I know.  I just can't stand being locked in again," Harry said with a shudder.  Memories of being locked in his cupboard or room at the Dursleys mixed with the results of Sirius being kept here last year.  The older he got, the more he grew to abhor the restrictions placed on him by others.  He knew they were for his own protection, but it didn't make him any happier about it.

"I have an idea," said Sirius with a small smile.  He got up and motioned for them to follow. They left the kitchen through a door Harry had never noticed before.  He found that odd since he'd been in the kitchen plenty of times, and he thought he knew everything that was in there by now.  Sirius turned to face them, "It's charmed.  You can't see it unless you know it's there and you know where you want it to lead."  This only made Harry more confused.

He followed down a short hallway at stopped in front of another door.  Sirius opened the door and pushed the rest of them through.  Harry's jaw dropped at what he saw.  

In front of him was a small sandy beach with a large body of water beyond.  There were palm trees scattered about, and the sky was blue with a few fluffy, white clouds.  He saw a bird fly out of the corner of his eye, and recognized it as one that Sirius had used to deliver letters before Harry's fourth year.  To say Harry was surprised would have been an understatement.  He was completely and utterly speechless.  He could actually feel the sun beating down on him.  He grinned and tackled his godfather with a huge hug.  

Sirius laughed happily and ruffled the hair on Harry's head.  "Do you like it?" he asked with a grin.

"It's, it's," Harry stuttered as he fished for words.

"Brilliant," said Ron and Hermione together.

Harry noticed that Remus had a faintly surprised look as well.  "When, how – who did this?" asked Harry, finally getting a partially coherent thought out.

"Well, my mother and father built this part of the house with enchantments similar to the Room of Requirement.  They used it for… less pleasant things.  I had Albus help me fix it up, and here we are," he said stretching his arms wide.

"What did you need to fix?" asked Hermione, ever curious.

Sirius grimaced, "I tried to use it a few times, and well, let's just say the results weren't pretty.  It was infused with dark magic that warped and distorted anything I tried.  Finally, I sealed it up and hid the door so no one could be hurt.  Albus and I just finished undoing and recasting the spells this morning."

"I never knew this was here," said Remus to Sirius with a slightly questioning look.

"Yes, well, it wasn't a place I liked to visit when I was a child.  Mother could create some fantastic nightmares in here," he said as a shadow seemed to pass over his face.  Everyone was silent, not wanting to think of the implications of that statement.  Sirius cleared his throat and smiled again.  "It's great, now, though.  There is swimming gear in that hut, complete with changing rooms.  The water is perfect.  I had to test it this morning," he grinned.  

Harry looked over to a small grass hut he hadn't noticed before.  He couldn't wait to go swimming with his friends.  The only time he'd really tried swimming was during the second task of the Triwizard tournament.  Pushing those memories out of the way brought a different variety of unwelcome thoughts.

As Ron and Hermione walked to the hut, Harry pulled Sirius to the side.

"What is it, Harry?" Sirius asked.  "You don't want to swim?"

"No, it's not that… it's just, er, could you maybe cast a concealment charm on my arms?" he asked quietly as he studied the sand beneath his feet.  The gloomy house of number twelve Grimmauld Place had a persistent chill, which called for wearing long sleeves, so he hadn't had to deal with the possibility of his friends seeing the scars on his forearms.  He knew he wouldn't get away with swimming in long sleeves, though.  It would just cause them to ask questions, and he wanted to avoid that.

Sirius looked at him contemplatively.  "Are you going to tell them?"

"What?  No!"  Harry was startled by the question.  Of course he wasn't going to tell his friends about his cuts.  It was too personal, too private.  It was bad enough that Sirius and Remus knew.  He didn't exactly want to announce it to the world in the Daily Prophet or something.

Sirius sighed.  "They're your friends.  I'm sure they'd like to know what's been going on with you this summer.  I get the feeling you haven't talked much with them.  Am I right?"

Harry nodded reluctantly.  "I guess that's true; I haven't talked to them much.  But I don't want to tell them this.  Please, it'll only make it harder.  They already worry so much, I just don't want to add to that.  I-I honestly feel like I'm working through this," he waved in general at his arms.  "What if I promise to t-talk to you about it later… will you just put the charms on for now?  I really want to go swimming with everyone," Harry pleaded.  

He didn't want to talk about this at all, but it was the best option at the moment.  He didn't want his friends to see the marks on his arms, faint as they were, because he didn't want them to know about what he did.  He couldn't swim with a long sleeved shirt, because of the questions it would raise.  And he couldn't simply leave, because that would cause more questions (plus he really did want to swim).

Sirius looked at him for a minute or so and finally sighed.  "Alright.  I'll do it, but you are going to talk to me after, right?"  Harry nodded glumly.  "I don't mean to push you into it, Harry.  We'll go chat after this, and if you really don't want to talk about things then, you don't have to.  I get the feeling at least part of you wants to though, or you wouldn't have offered that as a trade."  

Harry thought about that as Sirius placed the charms on his arms.  It was true that he had been wanting to tell him about the last few urges he'd had, but did that mean he really wanted to talk?  Harry wasn't sure, but he was relieved that Sirius said he could wait if he needed.  He also wanted to talk to Remus, or, more accurately, he wanted Remus to talk to him.  Harry wanted to find out more about his story.  Why did such a seemingly together and under control man ever need to find comfort in a knife?  

He would never know if he didn't ask, so Harry resolved to talk to Sirius, and ask questions of Remus if he was willing.  

Harry went to the changing hut and found everything he needed for swimming inside.  He eagerly met his two best friends out on the 'beach' where they laughed in delight at what they were getting to do.  This new room was definitely going to make being cooped up more enjoyable.  It was a pity they only had a little more than a week to enjoy it before going back to Hogwarts.  Of course, there was always Christmas and next summer.  

Harry grinned at his friends and started counting, "One, two, three!"  They all ran at the same time out into the water and clumsily dove under.  Neither Ron or Harry had much experience swimming, but Hermione had apparently taken lessons in the muggle world before starting Hogwarts.  She knew most of the basic strokes and was trying to teach them to Ron and Harry, who rolled their eyes and alternately splashed her.

Remus joined them, and after about twenty minutes Sirius came back with Ginny.  Harry hadn't even seen him leave in all the splashing.  Soon, the youngest Weasley and his godfather were a part of the water war too.  

Harry couldn't help noticing how… different Hermione and Ginny looked in their bathing suits.  He saw Ron's face go red anytime he accidentally touched Hermione and just laughed at his friend.  There was no way he would forget she was a girl wearing that.  Harry was forced to admit that Ginny wasn't just Ron's kid sister anymore either.  She seemed to be growing into a shapely body, and Harry had no doubt she would be gorgeous when she finished Hogwarts.  

It was Harry's turn to blush when his thoughts strayed to Cho Chang.  He wondered what she would look like in the water wearing only a tight suit.  Harry dunked himself and cleared his head.  Definitely not a good idea to think about that in mixed company.  He only hoped no one noticed his blush.  He didn't think it was likely with all the activity going on.  

Sirius conjured a large floating raft with a ladder, so they could jump off and do some stunts.  Four currant and two former Gryffindors made for tough competition.  Surprisingly, it was Ginny who one the biggest splash contest, and she was the smallest one of them!  Sirius seemed to take personal offence to this and started jumping over and over again in all different styles to try and match her, but he never did manage it.  Finally, he assured them that it was due to his 'natural grace' that he couldn't make a large splash.  The others revoked this theory when he also lost the smallest splash competition.  Remus one that with his slight body.  Harry came in a close second.

They hardly noticed the time slipping by until Mrs. Weasley came in and called to them from the sandy beach.  They had been swimming for three hours.  Harry was starving after he got dressed.  He eagerly ate up the snacks Mrs. Weasley put out for them.  She kept glancing at him with relief in her eyes.  He knew she must have been worried for him lately.  He was glad she was releasing some of that now.  

Harry hadn't even thought about Voldemort, the Creevey brothers, or his self-injuring behavior the entire time they were in the water.  He felt so much better after that break from life.  Although, he did feel guilty that he had been having fun at a time of war like this.  He really should have been looking for ways to destroy Voldemort, instead of spending the afternoon in mindless fun.  He'd managed to douse his good mood in just a few minutes, but he kept a smile on his face for the others' sakes.

After a half hour of food and senseless chatter, Harry excused himself with Sirius.  His friends didn't even ask questions when this happened anymore.  He wasn't sure if that was a sign that they trusted him to tell them if something was important, or if they were simply growing apart and didn't care anymore.  _Don't think like that, Harry.  You know it's not true.  They just know you need time with Sirius, and they're being very understanding.  You wouldn't want to answer their questions anyway, so be thankful they aren't asking._

They were in their usual positions in the room; Harry on the bed and Sirius on a chair next to him.  Harry hadn't moved back into the room he shared with Ron after he was recovered.  They both decided they'd like their own rooms for a little while longer before school term started and they had to share their five person dorm again.  Harry appreciated the privacy, because the last few nights Sirius had sat with him until he fell asleep.  Harry would have been too embarrassed to let him if he was sharing a room, but he was happy to soak in the comfort his godfather provided at night.  

However, comfort was not what Harry was feeling at the moment.  He was nervous to the point of queasiness, and he couldn't make himself relax.  His hands were shaking and his breathing erratic.  _What did I agree to?  Why did I make that deal?  I should have just said I was sick and not gone swimming.  It was fun, but why should I have fun?  There's a war going on outside this house, and I'm just sitting in here with my friends.  I can't believe I let myself be happy for a few hours when there are people dying… Colin and Dennis.  They never did anything, but they died.  I can't do this.  I don't need or deserve whatever kind of 'therapy' Sirius wants to give me.  It isn't his duty to make sense of his freak of a godson.  I've been a mess for so long, but I can keep it together until I fight Voldemort.  Merlin, what happened to the good feeling of the last few days?  Is a talk with Sirius really that scary?  _

"Harry?" Sirius asked, sounding like it was probably the last in many attempts to get his attention.

Harry looked up a little surprised and asked, "Yes, Sirius?"

"I was just wondering if you wanted to have that talk now.  I know you're probably 'talked-out' by now, but it seemed important.  Do you still want to talk to me?"

Harry fidgeted with the blankets on his bed and shrugged, not meeting Sirius' eyes.

Sirius went on from Harry's silence.  "I know it makes you nervous to talk about things you haven't told anyone before.  But I think you want to talk."  Harry finally looked up at his godfather with a puzzled face.  "Well, like I said before, you offered to talk to me.  Granted, it was part of a deal, but you could have made some other offer.  Do you trust me, Harry?" he asked seriously.

"Yes, of course!" said Harry incredulously.  "How could you think I don't?"

"Calm down, Harry.  I know you trust me quite a bit.  Your dreams the other night showed that.  I just wondered if you trust me enough to talk about your problems.  I don't mean Voldemort problems or anything like that.  I'm talking about your personal feelings about anything.  I realize this is extremely difficult, Harry.  I've never been there for you when you needed me."

"That's not true," Harry interjected.  He wasn't going to let Sirius blame himself for Harry's problems.  "You're always there for me. You're a great godfather, Sirius."

Sirius smiled, though a bit sadly.  "Thank you, Harry.  That means a lot to me, but you know it's not true.  I wasn't there for you for almost thirteen years.  After that it's been sporadic support at best.  Hell, we barely had contact last year with Umbridge monitoring all the communications.  A large part of our relationship has been based on working against Voldemort together, but that's not how it should be.  It's ok for you to be upset that I haven't been there for you.  Tell me about it.  Tell me about the nights you spent awake with no one to talk to, because I wasn't there.  Tell me how you wanted to break down from all the pressure, but you couldn't because you knew there was no one to put you back together again.  About how you weren't allowed to be happy, sad, or angry when you were younger, because your relatives wouldn't allow it.  Please, just tell me about all of it.  I wasn't there then, but I'm here now."  Sirius had tears in his eyes, but didn't break eye contact with Harry.  

Harry felt awful for making Sirius so sad and worried all the time.  He hated what Sirius had just said.  How could Harry ever feel angry with his godfather, just because he wasn't able to be with him all the time, and it wasn't his fault?  He hated himself, because it was true.  As much as he loved and trusted Sirius, he hadn't been there when it mattered.  What was he supposed to say now?  If he agreed, did that mean Sirius wouldn't want him anymore?  It was a completely irrational thought, but nothing in this conversation (or any conversation since Sirius came back) was entirely rational.  He knew Sirius wasn't going to let this go, so he decided it was better to get it over with now rather than worry about it any longer.

"Sirius, I don't want you to go anywhere.  I'm grateful for everything you've done for me already, and I wouldn't trade that for the world.  But I guess… you're right.  You haven't been around for much…"  Harry didn't know what else to say.  

He didn't want to get his guardian angry at him.  He'd already spent a lifetime with people who hated him; he didn't want to turn Sirius into a second 'Uncle Vernon'.  He knew that wasn't likely to happen, but his insecurities weighed heavily on his mind.  Sirius grabbed his hand and held it loosely.  He gestured for Harry to go on.  Against the insecure voice in his head, he did.  He closed his eyes, so he wouldn't have to see the hurt or anger in Sirius's face.  Then he let the words come tumbling out without thinking about them.

"You came and offered me a new life, one you couldn't give me.  It's not your fault. I _know_ that.  It's Pettigrew's fault.  But you still left.  You were going to take me away, but you left and I had to go back.  Then you-you talked to me about my scar and Voldemort, and I know you were worried about me, but I didn't get to see you or talk to you when I wanted.  I needed – but I couldn't, and it's not your fault, but you weren't there.  Voldemort came back… Cedric died.  You left.  Dumbledore made you.  I understood, but I hated Voldemort and the Order for making you leave. I didn't even know what the Order was then, but I hated whatever it was you had to do.  I knew why you had to leave, but I needed you.  I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have thought you'd want to stay with me, but I just…"  He paused and took a long shuddering breath.  

Keeping his eyes closed and his mind off, he continued.  "Then the dementors attacked me and my cousin.  I fought them off, and all I got was reprimands from everyone, but no one would tell me what was going on.  I expected it from Dumbledore, and even Mr. Weasley, but I thought you might have been proud of me… I didn't know why I had to stay with them.  They hate me; they always have.  I was supposed to be safe, then the dementors…  I didn't know why I had to stay when I was attacked there.  Couldn't I have been just as safe here or at Hogwarts?"  

Harry looked pleadingly up at Sirius and saw silent tears falling down his godfather's face.  He had to look away.  It was easier if he kept his eyes closed.  "Then that toad, Umbridge, and all her rules.  I couldn't even talk to you or write to you.  And the dreams… no one told me what was going on.  I had to figure it out.  I didn't trust Dumbledore or the rest of you to have everything under control.  I didn't think I could ask anyone about my dreams either.  Dumbledore was ignoring me, and everyone else thought I was too young to know anything.  Why couldn't anyone just tell me he might try to get in my head?  Bloody hell, I'd already seen the worst things I could imagine.  Nobody realized that I'm not a child, and I haven't been for a very long time…  After Mr. Weasley was attacked, you were there.  It was so good to have someone there."  Harry smiled briefly at Sirius.  It was a horrible experience, but Sirius had been there for him.  

"But when I needed you the most… it doesn't make sense.  You were dead, of course you couldn't be there with me, but still – you left me.  You died, and I was all alone.  I needed you to help me get through that, but you were dead.  I know it's stupid, but I couldn't do it.  I couldn't make alone.  I was… drifting.  I don't know how to explain it.  I just couldn't do it.  Then there were all kinds of other dreams-visions.  The prophecy I had to hear without you there…  I couldn't handle it.  You weren't there.  I thought, if I could just talk to you, maybe you could help with the visions and the pain.  But no matter how many times I thought I saw you in the house, on the street, whatever, you weren't really there.  You just disappeared.  I don't know how I figured out that pain helped.  It was just something that had always been a part of my life, but it was gone too.  The physical pain I mean.  I don't know how to-to describe it.  But when I gave myself that pain again… it helped.  It was a friend that would always be there when I needed it and listened to everything I had to say without complaint.  I could call it back when I needed to, and it helped me."  Harry stopped talking and noticed that the hand Sirius wasn't holding was clenched into a tight fist.  

Sirius looked like he wanted to say a hundred different things, leave the room, and stay forever.  He finally settled on a question.  "When was the last time you cut?"

Harry thought about it.  He didn't want Sirius to know that he had hurt himself at Remus's, but he wasn't going to lie either.  He'd already said enough to ruin their relationship, if that was going to happen.  "That night at Remus's… after I had the dream where he kicked me out.  It was a tiny, little cut.  I really wanted to since then though…  Right before we did the dream spell in the bathroom.  Everything finally caught up, Colin and Dennis and everything, I just couldn't take it.  I had a blade and I wanted to so much.  But I didn't.  I thought you'd be mad.  I didn't want you to be disappointed in me.  I finally got under control, well mostly."

Harry looked up at Sirius to see him wiping at tears on his face, while others streamed out to take their place.  Harry touched his own face and wasn't surprised to find that it too was wet.  He wiped the moisture off on a sheet, and looked up calmly at Sirius.  He didn't know why he was calm now, but he was.  He'd said so much more in the past hour than he'd ever even admitted to himself, and somehow, he didn't really care what Sirius's response would be.  Well, that was not entirely true, but he didn't think it would be negative.  Somehow, he just knew that Sirius would still accept him.  He wouldn't disown Harry for what he'd just said.  Harry wondered from where that piece of security came.  A few weeks ago, he would have been scared to death of the reaction.  Although, a few weeks ago, he never would have admitted so much of himself.  So, he waited patiently for Sirius to get himself put back together.

The first thing Sirius did was hug him fiercely.  It was tight to the point of painful, but it felt so good.  Harry hugged back just as strongly, and they sat like that for Merlin only knows how long.

"I love you," came Sirius's muffled voice from somewhere around Harry's shoulder.  The man leaned up then and looked at his godson with unguarded love and regret in his eyes.  "I can never apologize for not being there all those times.  You already know I'm sorry and wish I could have been there.  All I can offer is to be with you now.  I've bought a house in Hogsmeade.  It's not much, but it's better than this dark place.  I've already talked to Albus, and he agreed to let you visit on Hogsmeade weekends.  Plus, I can visit Hogwarts whenever I want."

Harry smiled a large, true smile that Sirius probably hadn't seen since he'd invited him to live with him in third year.  "Really?  He'll let you come to the castle whenever?"  Sirius nodded with a smile.  "Even if I want to see you everyday and bug you to keep visiting?"  Sirius's grin grew as he nodded.  Harry didn't stop smiling, but he asked, "But, isn't that kind of a blatant show of favoritism by Dumbledore?"

Sirius shook his head.  "No, actually.  Any parent or guardian can visit their child as long as they give advance notice to the Headmaster or Deputy.  It just happens that most parents are too busy to make the trip, and most students are too busy to take time out to visit.  The only restrictions are the week before and during exam times, so I probably won't see you then unless you really want me to.  You do need to think of your studies, after all," said Sirius with an air of all-knowing-parent.

"This from the man that didn't study for his O.W.L.s," quipped Harry.

"Hey, I did alright.  Besides, someone had to make up the fun Moony was missing out on.  Always with his nose in a book, that one," Sirius said sadly shaking his head.

"Is someone in here talking about my nose without permission?" asked Remus from the door.  Harry grinned as Sirius firmly shook his head 'no.'

"That's what I thought," said Remus with a scolding look.  Sirius hung his head in shame and held out his hands.  Remus slapped his wrist lightly and grinned.  Harry just laughed at the overgrown children.

"Hi, Moony," greeted Harry after the laughter died down.  "What are you up to?"

"I was just checking in.  Padfoot said you might want to talk?" he said, leaving an opening. 

"Oh, yeah, I guess.  I just wanted to ask you some questions actually.  You might not want to answer them though, and that's ok.  I don't want to make you… uncomfortable."

 Remus sat and looked at him carefully.  Finally, he gave Harry a small smile and nodded slightly.  "You want to know my reasons."  It wasn't a question, but Harry nodded anyway, knowing exactly to what Remus was referring.  "Ok."  He poured himself a glass of water from the pitcher on the table and took a long drink.  Harry knew this was difficult for him, even after so many years, so he just waited patiently.  

"I was six years old.  My parents and I were out on a picnic on the edge of the village where we lived.  There was a very nice grassy area before the forest where the children always played during the day.  Actually, it was basically our backyard.  I was watching this tiny rabbit on the edge of the woods as my parents chatted.  I had even named it Rupert.  Anyway, just as it was getting to be afternoon, my parents called me in and the picnic was over.  I didn't want to stop watching Rupert, but I knew I could see him the next day.  As a six year old, I didn't really grasp the idea that he wouldn't stay in the same spot.  

"Later that night, my father let Mr. Swift out; he was our owl.  Don't ask about the name, my parents were weird," he said with a somewhat forced grin.  

"I asked my father what owls hunted.  He told me mice, rats, and maybe even smaller rabbits, along with other small mammals.  I was scared for Rupert.  He was a very small rabbit, so I ran out of the house, after my father left the room, and into the picnic area.  My mother must have seen me, because she caught up to me when I was at the woods edge.  

"I was looking all over the spot for Rupert.  I didn't even hear a growl or bushes rustling.  I just remember being barreled over from the side and my mother's scream.  I remember pain too, but that wasn't as bad as my mother screaming at the wolf to get off me.  She threw rocks and beat it with a stick.  

"Finally, the wolf turned on her and went straight for her neck.  I sat, watching in horror as this wolf ripped out half my mother's throat in one swift swipe.  I tried getting its attention back on me, throwing rocks and sticks like my mum, but it didn't turn.  It had bigger prey; there was no reason to mess with me anymore.  I was no threat to it."  Remus took a deep breath as he recalled his history.  

"I heard a loud bang, and the wolf ran off into the woods.  My father was raised muggle, so he always had some muggle things around the house, like a rifle.  He didn't hit the wolf, but successfully scared it off.  I tried to crawl over to my mother, but I had lost a lot of blood already and must have passed out.  

"I remember waking up… my father was there waiting.  He pulled me off the bed in the small clinic and took me to a room to see my mother's body.  He told me she was dead.  I already knew but was still hoping.  

"My father and I never really got along after that.  We were close before it happened, but a part of him died with her.  He always took care of me, made sure I had clothes and food and school supplies, but he rarely talked to me.  He didn't want to have to be near me if he didn't have to.  He blamed me for her death, as did I.  If I hadn't run out of the house that night, it wouldn't have happened.  I was a foolish child, completely oblivious to the dangers of the world."  He stopped and took another drink of water.  

"When I was eight, I didn't think I could take anymore of it.  The pain of the transformations was almost nothing compared to my father's coldness towards me.  By the time I was nine, I had seriously contemplated suicide.  Nine years old…  I was still young and foolish.  I guess in a way, I'm lucky I found release through hurting myself.  I don't know if I would have made it otherwise, but it is not something I'm proud of.  I wished, later, that I had never done it, but I did.  There's no way to change that, now.

"Anyway, by the time I got to Hogwarts, I had already been doing it for some time.  It took Sirius and James longer to figure out that secret than my being a werewolf.  In a way, that made it easier to hide.  I could always say the cuts came from my transformation.  Eventually, they helped me through it along with Lily."  

He stopped talking and watched Harry.  Harry just sat for a few minutes, taking in the story.  He realized, again, that Remus probably did understand him.  At least more than most people.  It sounded like Remus had been injuring himself for the better part of a decade before he stopped.  Harry had only been for roughly a month.  He found reassurance that Remus actually _did_ move on from his old problems.  Even if Harry didn't necessarily _want_ to stop now, he knew he should for his godfather's sake.  He knew that wasn't enough of a reason.  He had to want to for himself, but it was a start.  

"After you, er, got through it, did you ever do it again?" Harry asked curiously.  

Remus looked down for the first time since starting his story.  "Yes, actually.  There was a period after your parents died and Sirius… well, things were not going well.  I lost everyone important to me in one night.  I tried going to my father, which was a mistake.  He only made things worse and brought back the old feelings again.  I left and just wandered the country for a time.  I didn't even think of the fact that I was still in the Order and they might have needed me.  I simply left and didn't tell communicate with anyone for almost six months.  They tracked me down eventually, I never found out how, and I went to stay with Poppy Pomfrey.  I never told her about my injuries, and she didn't ask.  She just put me to work cleaning up the infirmary and restocking her healing potions.  She taught me a few more advanced healing spells, which I've all but forgotten by now.  I managed to grieve properly, and after a while I left.  I kept traveling, but stayed in contact with Poppy and Dumbledore until I was hired in your third year."

Harry thought, again, after hearing this information.  He assumed Sirius already knew all of this, because he wasn't saying anything.  

"Why didn't you ever –"  Harry clapped his hand over his mouth to stop the question he started.  It wasn't his place to ask.  Remus had been through enough, and told Harry enough tonight hat he should just thank him for sharing.

"You're wondering why I didn't come and get you, or at least see you," said Remus.  Harry nodded shakily.  He didn't want to hear that he just wasn't wanted by his parents best friend.  Harry was trying to think of a way to derail the conversation, quickly.  He wasn't fast enough; Remus continued speaking.  

"I tried right away, that first day.  I got as far as the doors to the Department of Magical Homes and Families where I was met by four aurors.  They held me for questioning all day.  They were preparing to have a hearing with the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures.  This was at the time when people were being thrown into Azkaban without trials, like Sirius.  I was fortunate enough not to have been executed on the spot if you think of it that way.  Anyway, Albus came, and they released me.  Although, I was legally and magically banned from coming near you.  If I had approached within five kilometers of you, their orders were to 'shoot first, ask later' as the muggles put it.  Obviously, that regulation is no longer in effect.  They had to remove it before I could start teaching.  So, I hope I've brightened your day," he said sarcastically.

Harry nodded.  "Yeah, you've shone a light on another reason for me to dislike the Ministry.  Urgh, maybe I should get into politics and try to reason with the incompetent fools."

Sirius spoke up with a small smile, "Never argue with an idiot.  They bring you down to their level then beat you with experience."

"Very wise, Padfoot," commented Remus.

Sirius grinned.  "Thank you.  Best advice I ever got off a bathroom wall."

Harry just stared at him, not sure whether to laugh or knock him over the head.  Remus solved his problem and did both.  Then Harry laughed.

"So, are we all good here?" asked Sirius vaguely after a few minutes of silence.

Harry rolled his eyes and gave his guardian a small smile.  "Yeah, we're good."

Remus laughed at Harry's attitude and agreed.

"Good.  Let's go get a snack.  These big talks take a lot of energy."  Harry had to agree.  He was happy at the thought that they wouldn't need too many more of these talks.  He loved spending the time with Sirius and Remus, but he would much rather be doing something fun, or at least not depressing.  

In the next week before returning to school, Harry spent his time split between his friends and his two godfathers (it was too hard to try and find a title for Remus, so he just referred to them both as godfathers in his head).  They all took pleasure in the ocean-like room everyday.  Fred and George joined them often.  They managed to produce a 'Floating Fudge'.  The eater's head would blow up to the size of a small raft and float.  It worked out of the water as well, because it could easily refer to the Minister's overly-enlarged ego.  Of course, they kept most of those comments to themselves.  Harry wasn't too fussed about badmouthing the Minister.  After all, the man had been doing it to him for well over a year now, and the public was finally seeing through his mask.  

Harry was excited to return to Hogwarts.  With his godfather free and nearby, he knew it would be a better year than the last.  He found out that Remus was also staying in Hogsmeade with Sirius.  They had been invited by Professors McGonagall and Flitwick to help with classes occasionally, so Harry knew he would be seeing them from time to time.

They stood on the platform in front of the Hogwarts Express saying goodbye to the various Order members.  Harry hugged Mrs. Weasley and Tonks before making his way to his godfathers.  

He hugged Remus and the man spoke in his ear, "Behave, we'll be close."  He smiled and Harry gave him a very forced innocent look.

"I always behave," he declared.  Remus laughed and pushed him into Sirius.

"I've been thinking of investing," said Sirius off-handedly.

"Really?  In what?" asked Harry, curious as he didn't know what his godfather would be doing now.  Financially, the man would never have to work, but he was not one to sit idle and watch life pass by.  He'd had too much imprisonment to do that. 

"It seems Weasley's Wizard Wheezes wants investors to open a second store located in Hogsmeade."  

"You're joking!" exclaimed Harry with a grin.

"I never joke about pranks," said Sirius with his hand solemnly over his heart.

As the train sped away from the station, Harry could just make out a large black dog running and barking with a grin on it's face.  Harry smiled to himself and joined the conversations around him, catching up with friends he hadn't seen over the summer and laughing with those he had.  Yes, this was definitely going to be an interesting year.

_The end._

**A/N:**  That's all for A Birthday Wish.  I wish there was another chapter, because I don't like even numbers, but this is the end.  I'll have to find some other way to deal with my neurotic number behavior.  : )  Thanks for reading and reviewing.  If you have any questions, just review or email me.  I had some responses, but I've forgotten them all by now.  That reminds me, sorry for the lateness of this last chapter.  Finals are evil.  Happy Harry reading to you all!


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